Holidaze

I walked outside, threw on my hood and, as I shielded my face from the rain, looked down and saw this.... A baby owl lying by a tree next to the sidewalk.  It looked like it was comfortably sleeping, having deep, peaceful dreams.  It's eyes were closed, and feathers looked fresh, soft, and fluffy, like they had just been cleaned -- dirt and weather not having soiled them a bit.  I wanted to touch them.  I stood, gazing at the owl for a minute, before realizing it must be dead.  ...a sad sight, yet strangely beautiful.  I looked around wondering why no one else seemed to see it -- was it real?  ...a baby owl on the side of a busy street in the middle of San Francisco...?  

I've been reading a book called A Visit From The Goon Squad.  It's written like a bunch of short stories taking you through generations of people connected through the New York and San Francisco music scenes...but, what it's really about is relationships, being young, growing up, getting old, and remembering those moments that change your life forever.  It's the movement of life wrapped in pure nostalgia.

I flew to Colorado for Christmas late last night.  My flight was delayed due to the weather in San Francisco so I didn't get to my parents house until 4am MT.  I hadn't really slept the night before, so it was a long day... But, it was/is nice to be "home" -- even though it's like entering a life I once knew where I'm supposed to fit a mold I broke a long time ago.  My life doesn't resemble anything close to what I imagined it would when I was a kid.  I realize this happens to everyone but, when I'm in a moment like this, of realization, I become acutely aware of the person I thought I would be, and my absolute distance/experience from that person... From the mold.  I couldn't fit back into it if I tried, and I don't think I'd want to, but... from time to time...I long for it.

Rainy Sunday

I've been sick (off and on) for a week, and have become very accustomed to this view. 

I took the week off, for what was supposed to be a nice little stay-cation, and then I got sick last Sunday.  I guess I'm thankful that, since I was sick, I was in the comfort of my own home instead of being off on a real vacation. 

I did manage to slip in a nice dinner with Matt, Jessica, and little Wilder in the middle of the week, and I got to spend a sleepy day with Aatman while he studied.  Aatman and I also made it out to a couple of Christmas parties on Saturday night - one of which was a really lovely time at the Michaels'. 

Today, has been a rainy, chilly Sunday.  I've been nursing my stomach and watching movies all day. 

I love the color of the changing leaves outside my balcony.

Tired

Joe's been letting me sleep on his couch between work and soccer, which has been amazing, especially for our late games.  Tonight, I took this picture of Pei mid nap. 

The last couple of weeks have been exhausting.  The film takes a lot out of me, especially after a full day's work.  Add to that, a social schedule, and I'm barely standing.  I've been back at soccer, had a fun double date with Michelle and Joseph, had a nice dinner with Star, got to catch up with Joan, saw A Christmas Carol with Anna, shot a very small role to help a friend out with his student film, and had some great quality time with Aatman. 

I am very tired...  Although, right at this moment, I can't seem to sleep... 

Post show... blues?

Film rehearsals started the day after the show closed.  Perfect, crazy, timing... and then, I went to the Hip Hip Dance Fest!  I know I've said this before, but I love the Hip Hop Dance Fest!  It is one of my favorite San Francisco shows!!!  I bought a ticket to the only performance of the weekend I could make. :)  ILL-Abilities almost had me in tears, but the Academy of Villains remains at the top of my list.  They, alone, were worth the price of admission.  CJ is not only an exceptional choreographer, he is a charismatic, creative, and inventive performer.  I HEART.

After the weekend, I ended up with a couple days to breathe and get my life back in order, and then Thanksgiving!  

Thanksgiving was spent with Maureen and Dave and their family up in San Rafael.  It was so nice to spend time with them and watch little Lily run around the house all day.  :) 

The show closed on a rainy San Francisco night last night to a small, appreciative crowd.  A perfect ending to great show... 

Twelfth Night

I'm sitting backstage near the end of show 3 of 7.  When this night is over, I'll have 3 days off in a row -- I can't wait!

The hardest part of theatre is going from work to show to sleep to work to show to sleep -- for what seems to be forever.  The weekends help a bit, but still don't feel like your own... It's a hard process -- though filled with so many things that I love.

:)

...and, I've found that place where I'm proud of the work I've done. 

A time to eat

One new variable in your routine can change everything.

I've recently added three.  Big ones.  I've already mentioned them.

The boy. 
The play. 
The film.

All of these things require my heart, my undivided attention, complete vulnerability, and significant amounts of time....

First of all, it's a drastic shift to go from singledom to boyfriendland.  The process is invigorating and challenging, and this particular relationship makes me feel like I'm in a perpetual state of shock.  ...but, in a good way.  :)

The play has been a process, but we're getting there.  It's now in nightly rehearsals, which will lead us straight into tech week, and then it opens for a two week run.  I've finally invited people to come, but I'm very nervous about it.

Once the show is over, I jump straight into film rehearsals.  I'm exited about the film, but I'm not really sure what to expect from it.

I just canceled EIGHT for December because I already feel in way over my head...

...and, I'm really missing some of my friends that I never really see enough of to begin with....  

A fairytale

It was a magically perfect October day in the mountains of Colorado... The sun was out, the skies were impossibly blue, and my brother and his soon-to-be wife gathered the most generous and loving group of people together to witness their commitment and dedication to one another. 

Todd wanted to find the perfect girl and, with his standards, it was no easy feat... but, it was well worth the wait because he found her.  :)

Here's to wishes for a happily ever after! 

A Lovely Day

I've been meaning to write about a documentary I saw with Maureen and Aatman called A Lovely Day, but I can't seem to find the right words to describe it. It's about these Oakland kids and, after living in Oakland for as long as I have, I've found that there are some things you just have to experience to really understand.  The film seemed to capture that somehow.  

The director of photography was a guy I used to live with back in my West Oakland/Dogtown days.

The golden hour

Home for Todd's wedding! 

It's been a year and a half since I've been home, and I somehow forgot how clear the skies were at night. 

How could I forget so many stars....?

You look like a rabbit

my version:  

After eating a gourmet style burger, Aatman sat across from me slumped slightly in his chair with his elbow resting on the table.  He peered at me over the ruins of our meal as he chomped on a big piece of lettuce that was used as garnish for his burger....

Me:  "You look like a rabbit."

Aatman:  ...  "YOU look like a rabbit." 

his edits: 

After eating a gourmet style burger, Aatman sat across from me slumped slightly in his chair with his elbow resting on the table. In a somewhat pensive mood, he inadvertently picked up a piece of lettuce used as garnish and gnawed insipidly at it while waiting for the check.

Me: "You look like a rabbit."

He snapped out of his trance and peered quizzically at me over the ruins of our meal at what had seemed to be a discordant characterization.

Aatman: "... YOU look like a rabbit."


*heart*

By the bay

Taking a break by the bay to enjoy the gorgeous weather....

I'm sitting on the pier by the stadium and there are a couple of half naked guys in a boat next to me blasting Don't Stop Believing.  Of course.

I was just offered the starring role in a paid short film project where I'll play an FBI agent.  This time I get to do some good fighting on screen.  I'm pretty excited about it.  We'll shoot the film after the first of the year. 

I'm also presently working on a theatre production of the Twelfth Night that will go up in November. 

I'm starting to think I should skip the December installment of 8 and start again in February.... hmmmmm.  We'll see. 

Things that make me laugh uncontrollably, part 1

I was sitting by a fire in the woods with my church youth group and someone decided we should tell scary stories.... I hate scary stories, so I plugged my ears so I wouldn't have to hear them.  Matthew got up and started going on and on about the Silver Fox -- which, supposedly, was a fox that roamed the woods and killed kids, or something like that...  All of a sudden, everyone jumped up and ran to the other side of the fire except me and my friend Lance.  They were laughing and pointing, and when I unplugged my ears they said, "Lance farted really loud and you couldn't hear it because your ears were plugged!!!!"  

Down the rabbit hole.

Sometimes, you have to follow the rabbit to see the woods.

... or something like that ...


I'm guessing you've gathered that I have a boyfriend.

I would like you to know that he is amazing, and that I feel very lucky. :) ...even though the whole thing kind of twists my brain up...

Rebecca's birthday

Rebecca was the first friend I made when I moved to the Bay Area.  We went for a burrito for lunch one day, and have been friends ever since.  Saturday was her 40th birthday.  She had the kind of gathering that reminds me of why I can't seem to leave this place -- lots of music, and lots of genuine, creative, and fun-loving people...  :)

EIGHT (take 4)

September 8th.

Gabriella Arroyo and Ronitte Libedinsky
Christian Cagigal
Lisa Hyde
Carolina Duncan
Meredith Clark
Stephen Ku and Dash Kwiatkowski
Enormvs Muñoz
Matthew Solberg

Rob managed the sound, Carl ran the house, Aatman worked the door, and Dan and Luis shook up the bar... 

This was my first sold out show. 

The crowd was fantastic. 

The lineup was excellent, and in the prefect order. 

I learned that the sound equipment should be checked thoroughly before the show, putting a harp in the middle of a crowd is an excellent idea, and no one will know you have a live chicken in the house until it's held in front of a naked man to cover his... um, stuff. 

You woke up

I'm feeling really grateful right now for: my family, my health, and my incredible friends --

for all of the talented and inspiring people in my life...

for love, for laughter...

...and, for reminders to not take any of it for granted...  

tick tock

This week I'm taking it easy.  It's been in a bit of a whirlwind with the travel, the boy, the show...

By the way, Teresa's bachelorette party was de-lightful.  :)  ...and, I went to the World of Dance with Michael which was awesome.  AWESOME. 

Anyway, as you may know, show planning consumes half of my brain from the moment I commit to a date until the moment I pay the performers.  The process makes me feel alive and stressed out, and generally preoccupied...and, I love every minute of it.  I have no idea how I've managed to facilitate bringing together such talented people to remind us of the importance of -- art.  It's amazing to me.  At every show, I see people challenge themselves and grow....

I am grateful and happy and, you know, terrified.  :)

Bean

I remember sitting in the dark in a house in Greeley...  Chris was playing Apex Twin's ambient works and we were just listening to it -- Danny, Matt, Heywood, Chris, Vanessa, Max, me...  I remember not being sure how I managed to find myself in such exquisite company and how I never wanted to leave it.  

Max got married last weekend to a woman who shines.  :)  And, me and these fools got to spend some very quality time together again because of it.  

<3

Timing is everything.

We're sitting in a wine bar and he starts telling me about the mural club he was in back in Boston...  his story is interesting, but I somehow manage to space out to think about how he held my hand for the first time on the way to the bar.

Holding hands is sweet -- such a simple gesture to be close to someone, while simultaneously feeling like a grand statement about your relationship to the world.  He is not super tall, and his arms are a natural length for his height, but the combination of our heights, plus my 4" heels, (as sweet as it was) resulted in slightly awkward hand holding.  I didn't care, but I did notice and start thinking about it in the middle of his mural story... 

I tuned back in as he was saying something like, "...three stories high...", at which point I sincerely asked (a question that my brain would have never processed as strange until after it had been said aloud).

"Do you have really long arms?" 

He gave me a squinty half smile and a, "Har har... yeah, I have really long arms... No, we used scaffolding!"  

... 

:)

Oh hai...

I love New York in the summertime....

Drinks w/ work
Sailing w/ Vasilia
Des's party in Brooklyn
Dinner w/ Simón + Serials w/ Holly
One Man, Two Guvnahs + Momofuku + 7S w/ Holly

Ah, what a great work trip.  :) 

Shake it all about

The Butterfly Effect.  

I have so much in my head...  

I'm presently freezing my ass off in an apartment on the 22nd floor of an air conditioned building in the middle of Manhattan.  It's very much summer outside, and the feel of it makes me long for it....   

I've been working on this trip since the beginning of the year, but the pieces didn't fall into place until last Tuesday...and then everything happened so fast that I feel like I can't remember how I got here.  ...though, the 7 hours I spent on a plane next to an old woman whose first question to me was, "Do you speak English?" should jog some memories.  Well, that and the cab driver who somewhat shyly asked me if I was Japanese and if I knew the Japanese baseball guy who was transferred from Seattle to the Yankees.  I'm pretty sure he meant to ask if I knew of him....even though that's not at all how it seemed.  Oh, New York... there's something about you that's always so real.  I love that.

I'm missing someone right now.  

Boom

I just confirmed the venue I wanted for the next EIGHT.

Hells. YEAH. :)


I've been slacking on blogging so here's a bit of catch up.

Fourth of July weekend was awesome. I say "weekend" because, even though it was on a Wednesday, my work gave us the rest of the week off so -- perfect 5 day weekend it was. 

It started with Brian and Teresa's BBQ -- a great spread, bean bag game, champagne tasting, yummy dessert, and of course Brian and Teresa and friends... all good things.  I went from there to Alex's BBQ -- beer pong, random burnt BBQ, fire crackers, hot (almost) 24 year old following me around all night, and of course Alex and Joe and friends.  It was an excellent day all around.  The rest of the weekend managed to be the perfect balance of doing nothing and having fun, and included a great night of dancing with Stella bella, and seeing Brave with Joan.

And then, last week was perfect in so many ways... I had a great dinner with Michael and Michael at their gorgeous new condo in Burlingame, my soccer team had an epic farewell karaoke party for one of our teammates who just moved back to Mexico, I went on a great date, we played a great soccer game, Gabriella and Morgan had a fabulous BBQ, I went to see some improv with Joe, I did the Color Run with Alex and friends, saw Truffaldino Says No w/ Gabriella and Morgan, went on a nice hike, and had another great date. 

Next week, I go to New York... then Teresa's bachelorette, then Max's wedding, then...the next EIGHT....? Hopefully, it won't all happen quite that fast.

Absurd

*flashback*

I'm 21 years old playing capture the flag in the woods, and a bunch of 14 year olds are following me around because they think that I'm also 14.  I eventually have to show them my ID to convince them to stop following me and that I am not, in fact, 14.

*present day*

I'm 37 years old playing beer pong (yes, I know) at a party, and an almost 24 year old (he was about to have a birthday) is following me around trying to get me to give him my phone number.  I tell him my age and he says he doesn't care. He somehow manages to impress me, so I give him my number with the disclaimer that it is not to be abused.

I suppose this has been happening to me most of my life so I shouldn't find it so surprising, but I can't help but feel continuously surprised by it. I guess as I get older and more aware, it just seems more and more absurd. ...but, there's a part of me that wonders why it should? I mean, I hang out with a lot of young people, and they are still single and normal, so... maybe I should just be grateful. Who knows... ?

...and, does everything happen for a reason?

And beyond...

I've been doing my best to take some real time for myself these days because not relaxing, in the middle of All The Crazy, has brought me to the point of wondering if exhaustion will actually be the cause of my death...  

By the way, apparently "real time for myself" means watching the entire series of Scrubs.  (It takes a big turn in the later seasons, which I didn't like at first but... the new cast is growing on me.  ?)

Anyway, on to the crazy...  Where should I begin? 

After Palm Springs I was still sick, so I took it easy for a minute and then I played soccer -- which I think helped... And then, I had an amazing, but painfully over booked weekend. 

It started out on Friday night with the lovely Laura Lee.  We had intended to go the Liz Roman show (a dance performance whose lighting was done by Jennyb!), but we showed up to find the show completely sold out.  I had some friends djing over at the Beauty Bar, so we headed that way instead.  As it turned out, Laura Lee also had some good friends hanging at Beauty Bar that night, so we had a great night with friends.  :)  

Saturday morning, I was having a dream about being late to Miss Lily's first birthday party and then I woke up late for Miss Lily's first birthday party.  Damn... Dave and Maureen live in a beautiful house in San Rafael, about 40 minutes from me, so I hopped out of bed, picked the best outfit I could come up with for the day's activities, and managed to get to the party just in time for birthday singing and cake demolishing... whew!  It was a really nice time with Maureen's family and friends. 

After the party, I picked Anthony up at West Oakland to take him to a hip hop battle in East Oakland.  My directions had us driving down International blvd all they way, so we had a solid dose of ghetto by the time we got to the venue -- which looked like it was maybe in the back of a tattoo parlor, and had a bunch of thug life kids hanging around out front.  It was a rougher scene than what we had expected.  Anthony didn't seem comfortable, so we skipped the battle, and I took him on a tour of the nice parts of Oakland instead in an attempt to correct his first impression of the East Bay.  Yeow! 

After a good drive and some walks in the pretty parts of Oakland / Berkeley, Anthony and I headed to the city to join Star and Cindy for an Asian American magazine party.  The party happened to be booked with a bunch of performances, including some hip hop dance.  :)  Awesome.  We hung out there until Alex started texting me to head over to Joanna's birthday party at Orbit. 

Joanna's party was full of soccer friends, which is always fun.  We hung out until the bar closed, and then I headed home because I had to be up early on Sunday for the Odyssey. 

The Odyssey was a 5 hour interactive theater adventure / hike on Angel Island.  It was staged as a journey on which we were to accompany Telemachus following the footsteps of his father in hopes to find him.  Really fun show!  The performances were great, the settings well thought out, the interaction appropriate and playful, and I found it to be a very enjoyable production.  I had some friends performing in the show, who were fantastic. 

After the show, I got right on the ferry to head to Matt and Jessica's for a nice dinner.  :)  A perfect way to end a crazy weekend...  

Palm Springs

I'm in Palm Springs and I am sick. Blahhhhhh.....

I've been sick for like 4 days now.  Body aches, congestion, sore throat... I want it to be allergies, but I'm pretty sure I have a sinus infection.  ...and, I probably also have allergies.

I'm visiting my parents who are on a golfing vacation, which is actually not so bad for being sick... I mean, my mom's here - which instantly makes everything better - and the only thing on the agenda is golf, which I don't do, so it's easy to skip (rather than tag along) if I need to.

At the bagel shop....

I was sitting outside the bagel shop, reading and enjoying the day, when a couple walked up.  The boy slyly gave me a smile as they walked through the door. 

As I sat, contemplating how in the 5 minutes it took me to walk there I'd been smiled at by 3 different men accompanying their wives/girlfriends, and finding myself unsure on how I felt about that, the couple emerged back onto the patio. 

They were handsome together.  The girl had wavy, sandy hair falling to her shoulders, and long bangs covering one of her eyes.  She was in a simple sundress with just the right cinching and bunching to make it worthy of a special occasion.  She had big round eyes surrounded by perfect angles.  She was lovely. 

He was the casual mirror of she, with a touch of ethnicity...darkening his features. 

As they ate, she barely moved -- maintaining a perfect picture.  He fidgeted, stole glances -- shifted. 

When he left to get her a cup of water, the picture changed...briefly. 

Her smile returned as he did and, without affection, they got up from their table and continued on their way....

Abandoned spaces

After the show, I managed to book a small role as a fighting zombie alien (or something like that) in an indie film.  The film was about... alien zombie post apocalyptic something or another... ? and was being filmed in the ruins of an[other] old, abandoned building.  The cast was full of very hot young men.  I was made up to look like a crazy zombie/alien lady.  (I just wrote "alien" and "zombie" in 3 out of 4 sentences.)  Awesome.... :)   It was a really fun, dirty day -- I got to fight with pipes 'n stuff.  

In the last few weeks, around planning the show, I've played a lot of foosball and soccer and have done a lot of sword fighting.  I saw Bruja at Magic, Othello at Phoenix, Playground at Thick House, the fireworks at GG Bridge, saw Tyler play at the Hemlock, and Matt play at the Fillmore!!  I got to spend some great time with girlfriends:  Joan, Gabriella, Jessica, and Sarah.  And, I finally let go of the guy who's been jerking me around.  I also went on another crappy date but whatevs... life is excellent.  :) 

Eight, take 3

Where should I begin... ?  I think this was the hardest show yet -- but, then, I'm not sure if they've all been hard, and this one just seemed harder for some reason.  It did have more unknown variables than the last couple.  ...I think. ?

There are 4 big phases of preparing for the show.

1.  Booking the space.

In the past, this has been the easiest part because I was always booking Main Street, which is run by my good friends so... piece of cake.  This time, I decided to move the show to explore more underground spaces.  I spoke with Bob at Cyclone, and Carl who books the Secret Room, and was in limbo between the two of them for a couple of weeks.  The Secret Room fell through around the same time Cyclone came through -- and, voilá!  There was a point when I had Main Street on hold just in case because the venue situation wasn't looking too promising -- but, it all worked out.

2.  Getting the performers.

The first couple of shows I booked friends (or close friends of friends) to perform.  It made for a good response, and a good basic idea of how the show would go.  This time, I booked a few friends, a guy I really admire, and some friends of friends whom I didn't know too much about.  I was able to book the first few spots pretty easily, but I had a hard time filling my last few spots, which was a bit daunting when I hadn't finished my lineup and the show was less than three weeks away.  It was an interesting and stressful challenge that somehow turned out great.

3.  Getting the invitation out.

I'm still working on the best way to present the show, the words to use, the kinds of invitations to send...  It's hard to know how public I should make the show given the [not completely legal] nature of things ... :P  This time I tried a very ticket driven approach.  It seemed to work well.

4.  Waiting to see what happens....

I generally have a decent guess of how the show will turn out, and I'm generally right... so, you'd think I could let go and relax a bit. Ugh.  This show felt like a giant mystery to me for some reason, but I sort of feel like it always seems that way until I get there and my 'decent guess' manifests.  I think being in a new space, with new performers, and no idea if ticket sales were an indication of things, made me kind of crazy...


...but, it all turned out great.  :)


The lineup:

Andy Strain - Trombone
Sean Sanford - Story performance
Stephen Ku - Stand-up comedy
Texas and Abraham - Clown/Magic act
Alex Kelly - Cello
Anna Ishida - Singing
Bernard Vash - Clown storytelling
Agatha Rupniewski and crew - Hip Hop dance


It was an incredible night. I had Rob (always) on sound, Kasmira working the bar, Joan checking the door, and Bob fearlessly running the house....and, the result, was excellent. :)

Smile

Someone once told me that when you smile, whether you're happy or not, you trick your brain into thinking that you're happy - which will actually make you feel happier.  Apparently, this has been scientifically proven. 

Right now, I am grateful for amazing friends, laughter, adventure, art, health, a good job, successfully producing underground warehouse shows, and ... for you, of course. 

;)

Pink

I decided to change the status quo... so, I put on a pink shirt and had a macaroon for breakfast.  :)  

Two things have impacted me greatly today: 

1.  Faith is the key. 

2.  It's not rewarding bad behavior; it's not letting others change who you are because of their actions.  ....keep pouring honey until they taste the sweetness.... 

I went to see a show on Sunday called White Rabbit, Red Rabbit -- a piece written by an Iranian man who was denied a passport for not doing the required military service in his country.  He wrote a play and sent it out into the world instead.  The play is done as a cold read by a local actor and creates an acute awareness of the playwright, the present place in which the play is being done at which the playwright is absent yet present in words (?), and is completely entertaining while also being completely confrontational.  Fascinating, thought provoking, value challenging.  Holy crap.  A game changer.  

Here's a song that seems fit.

http://www.myspace.com/music/player?sid=61786679&ac=now

I suppose I should also mention the APA Vagina Monologues, an amazing creative workshop day in Half Moon Bay, and the 2nd Annual Wine Competition - reminiscent of a night that would change my life forever.

- though, doesn't everything...?

Dream a little dream

Stars shining bright above you
Night breezes seem to whisper, "I love you"
Birds singing in the sycamore tree
Dream a little dream of me

(This is a picture of the super moon from a week or so ago at the Lake Chalet with Anna and Andy....)

I saw a fantastic play at Cutting Ball theater on Friday night.  It was a documentary theater piece called Tenderloin using incredibly versatile, talented actors to bring a diverse, run down, avoided part of town onto a little, black box stage.  Aside from being beautifully performed, the piece brought to mind the humans we tend to forget about when faced with their conditions.   It was an impressive, inventive take on what might have otherwise been forgotten stories...  Thanks Simón. 

On Saturday, I got to spend time with Terry, a very pregnant friend of mine that I used to hang out with in college.  It was so wonderful to just tool around with her and catch up. 

And then, Sunday, I got to see Sky and Dan!  After some previously missed efforts, we finally found ourselves together at a pub in the Haight for a lively catch-up session.  It was soo good to see them.  ...actually, to see all of the above.  :)

I just realized how much has happened since I last wrote, including the House of Prime Rib, twice, and almost getting killed at an abandoned Silo.  Oh, and I saw the Color Purple at Stanford tonight.  Nchedo was in it.  She was fantastic! 

It's amazing going to the House of Prime Rib with a bunch of young guys who have too much money.  Lots and lots of wine.... :)  It's fascinating to go, again, with a whole new set of guys who can finish off a plate to get to the, apparently, free second plate of meat.  !! 

All I have to say about the Silo is when someone is throwing bottles and bricks from a top floor broken window, and seems to be aiming to hit you, it's time to get the hell out of there. 

The Marty party

The Marty party was a private birthday concert thrown in an unmarked space just off of Union Square.

Marty is quite a talented singer and song writer -- and also happens to be a very romantic husband.  During this concert he sang a bunch of original songs, a few well done covers, and a favorite song of his wife's that he'd been rehearsing in secret to play for her for his birthday show!   ...  <3  An inspiring night of love and talent, and friendship!  The room was full of what seemed to be Marty's closest friends... and, me. 

I met Marty when Josh and I joined the dragonboat team a few years ago.  When we broke up, the team decided they wanted to keep me....  and then, a few of their guys hit on me right away.  I was so upset that I started avoiding the team, and this has gone on for the last couple of years.  Since then, Marty and his wife have come with Andy (one of the few people I've kept in loose touch with) to support me in some of my shows, and I guess that somehow managed to get me on this very special guest list. 

Take a bow

Last weekend....

I went to Friday Nights at the de Young Museum to see the Gaultier exhibit with Gabriella.  Incredible.  INCREDIBLE.  

Saturday, I went to Angel Island for Shara's birthday party.... and then, to the Naked and Famous concert with Alex, Rebecca, and Jason.  (I meant to take a shower between the party and the concert, but instead I took a nap, and then chased a bug around my apartment...)

Sunday, I assisted a small sword class, helped choreograph some slaps for a production of Othello, checked out the Cherry Blossoms Festival, and saw Solo Sundays at Stage Werx with Anna. 
 
AWESOME...!!! 

It all actually started on Thursday, with the Alex Kelly cd release party.  Alex's cello playing puts me in some kind of a crazy, blissful, trance....

~~~

(Saturday around 6:30pm)

.... I woke up from a nap to find a Mosquito Eater in my living room.  Yeah, ew.  I wanted to keep it alive because, at the time, I thought Mosquito Eaters actually ate Mosquitoes...but, I just read on wikipedia that they don't.  :P  Awesome.  Anyway, I'm also really bad at squishing bugs, so it seemed to make sense to try to help it back out of the open screen door, from which I can only assume it came.... 

I chased the Mosquito Eater around my apartment using a piece of paper to scare/guide it back toward the door.  I was focused, swiping at it gently - keeping it moving while climbing the couch and brushing against walls - determined to get it back outside to eat more Mosquitoes!  

Finally, the Mosquito Eater flew right in front of the door so, with a gentle swing of the paper, I knocked that sucker right out.  Victory!  ....at which moment I realized I'd been running around chasing a bug in my underwear in front of a giant open door for about 30 minutes straight.  Damn.  My neighbors must love me... or, find me completely inappropriate and ridiculous.... 

*bow*

wersthecat

Sometimes I wake to little ears perked over fluffy billows on an old feather bed I store on the top shelf of my closet.  Mercy leaps up there gracefully from the top of my clothes tower.  When she hears me stirring in the morning, her little ears appear and wait for me to show signs of being awake, and then she jumps down and greets me on my bed.  She likes to nudge her head into my hand while incessantly purring.  Frankie J also likes to greet me on my bed in the morning, purring and headbutting... but, Frankie will stop and cuddle if she finds that I'm still hitting snooze. 

There's a great Calvin and Hobbes strip where Calvin sits up, sleepy in his bed, and is suddenly very aware of Hobbes flying through the air at him.  Hobbes tackles him and they roll around in a scuffle, and when they stop, Calvin says, "It's hard to stay mad at someone who misses you while you sleep.".  :) 

~~~~~~~~

I haven't mentioned that I attended my first Jewish Seder. Isabel and Wilder and Emily all had birthdays. Maureen had a bbq.  And, I got to see an amazing performance by the Marcus Shelby Orchestra.  All awesome in distinctly different and delightful ways.

The Ides of March

I agreed to let my friend Michael sign me up on eharmony for one month. 

Online dating has been kind of a nightmare because I HATE dating.  HATE.  HAAAATE.  So, what could be worse than putting me in a position where I'm supposed to go on a bunch of dates?!  ...but, Michael's sick of watching guys jerk me around, and thinks I deserve someone who will give me everything because I'm gorgeous and I deserve the best, and eharmony has a formula that works....

Ah, such great intentions.

We started a subscription on the 15th of March -- the Ides of March -- because that seemed like a good omen for this kind of experiment... ?  ...and, since then I have gone out on 2 eharmony dates, and one date with a friend of a friend.  (I figured, if I had to date anyway, I might as well test reality against the internet...) 

The result so far is -- I still hate dating, and I have no desire to go on a second date with any of the dates.  I have also rejected countless unsuspecting men who think I joined eharmony intentionally.  ...and, in the process of all of this, I have sort of fallen for the guy Michael was trying to help me forget.  Awesome. 

So, now what... ?  I have two days left in this experiment and then I'm DONE.  ...and, I'll be left with a bit of a broken heart because, now, I know that what I want.... is someone who's kind of jerking me around....


*sigh*


*the photo is from an amazing day I had in Half Moon Bay with a bunch of creative people working on various projects.  We took a break to walk on the beach...

Tahoe!

This weekend I went to Tahoe for snowboarding with Brian and Teresa!  I can actually barely type this because my arms are so sore from falling -- but, it was totally worth it.  (ow.) 

For starters, we had the most perfect weather.  Perfect.  Clear roads up and back, with a gorgeous snow storm right smack in the middle.  Slopes full of lots and lots of fresh powder!  So. Much. Fun.  !! 

Of course, the pain in my arms, legs, back, neck, etc. comes from my complete lack of snowboarding skills.  ...and, although powder is great to fall in and board through, it's pretty hard to get up out of.  (ow.)  ...and, regardless of the powder, I just tend to fall.  ...but, still...so much fun.   :) 

We stayed in a cabin with Brian and Teresa's friends, Chris and Lorena.  A few of their friends were also staying for the weekend.  Excellent company all around. 

It was so fun to spend the weekend in nature with great friends.  I feel like I've been beat up a few times, and I'm not sure I'll be able to move tomorrow, but I think I progressed a bit on the board, and I can't wait to go again.  Next time... I'll really learn to carve....?  I think I might need to invest in a helmet.  ;)  

(ow.)

I am.....so-bored-at-work....!!

...though, aside from being bored, work has actually been going really well... I mean, I'm getting along with my boss, I love my co-workers, we have fun things going on, and I don't mind any of the work I have to do - there's just not enough of it!  I like to be really busy.  Like, crazy busy.  Like...on the verge of chaos.  ...but, lately, I get everything done in the first 30 minutes I arrive, and the rest of the time I obsessively check facebook, read RSS feeds, listen to music, email, chat, send links to people I think will appreciate them, take walks, stand in the kitchen, go to auditions... okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a little and it's not really that bad -  but it's not really good....  For me, anyway.  Although, every time I feel like this and wish for chaos, it generally happens, and not always in the good way so.... maybe I should stop right here and say that things are good... I just want to be busier, please.  

BAH!

~~~~~~

The list:

Hunger Games w/ Josh
Dinner w/ Gabriella
Happy Hour w/ Star
Trivia!
Dinner w/ Matt and Jessica

Tonight is soccer.  Tomorrow - Tahoe... :) 

Rain

We finished the short film today in the rain. It was an easy end after last week's all day shoot. I'm anxious and a bit nervous to see how it will turn out - it's the first film I've starred in...

After the shoot, I had an audition for a student film and then a couple parties on my calendar. I went to the audition, and then skipped the parties for a much needed night on the couch with the cats. I love it when both cats snuggle up with me, especially on rainy nights. It's like being surrounded by little furry heaters.

Although this week was tiring, it was full of amazing conversations, great art, interesting challenges, and so much fun! The highlights include: A Doctor in Spite of Himself with Lachelle, Playground with Noah, lunch w/ Alex, Skype date with Holly, dinner w/ Brian and Teresa, catching up with Stacey, dinner and half of Titus Andronicus with Alessandra, and out and about with Anna and friends. So many good things... :)

Sara

This is Sara's profile picture from facebook. Even though she's gone, her account is still active.


I have developed an easily argued against theory (yes, you read that correctly) that the preview of your friends on facebook reflects the people who stalk you the most. Most of the time, my theory seems to make sense because the people who show up in my preview seem to be the people I hang out with or are who I would imagine would be the most curious about me - and, it tends to be the same people, or a variation at the same rate that the people I hang out with vary... but, in the last few days, Sara has been showing up in my preview...

I was talking with Stacey tonight and realized that maybe I haven't done a good job in dealing with Sara's death. I haven't really talked to anyone about her because I don't want to bring people down... but, maybe that means I've sort of avoided dealing with the loss. I feel like I tend to deal with death in a very personal way, though, so maybe talking about her isn't necessary. I don't know. ? At the same time, I do publicly blog about her...

*sigh* ...the pain from it seems to creep up on me when I least expect it.

Post show blues...

*this picture is from Eight! - featuring the side of the house where no one was sitting... :P

I had so much anxiety and anticipation leading up to Eight! that I found myself with a big case of the post show blues the next day. The best way to cope with the post show blues is to throw yourself into another show or project so, that weekend, I found myself back on set for a short film. A director friend of mine asked me to play a runaway bride.

Dressing up as a bride and running around the city makes people think you are actually getting married...which, I guess makes sense, and was fascinating.

The rest of the week was weirdly exhausting... and then this weekend was a mess. I completely overbooked myself to the point where I actually forgot about one of the events I said I would go to, filming yesterday took about 7 hours longer than we scheduled, and I've missed multiple other engagements.... it's very unlike me to be flaky, so it's making me feel crazy and awful, but I guess it's the result of really overdoing it.

This next week will be just as bad, if not worse... but THEN... I will... I want to write slow things down, but I have a feeling I will just acclimate instead. ;)

Eight!

Take 2!

I. am. exhausted....but, still awake and blogging. 

Eight! 

8 acts for 8 minutes.  An incredible lineup of performers.  A
good cause.  A Thursday night...

My incredible lineup:

Edwin Li:  stand-up comedy
Jessica Gruner: literary reading
Nikolas Strubbe: storytelling
Texas Holly: burlesque
Kara Penrose/Me: stage combat
Bernard Vash: clowning
Michael Katz: storytelling
Matthew Solberg: music

I also had Brian Koloszyc serving his tasty home-brewed IPA, Aria
Zuloaga displaying her beautiful artwork, Robert Liebsch perfecting
our sound, Tony Walker working/securing the door, Teresa Tamburello
rockin' the bar, and Joan Howard flawlessly running the house.

A big thanks to everyone who made this night possible and successful....

Tonight is a full moon

This photo was taken last night, which feels like days ago...

Eight! goes up tonight. 

I'm second guessing the outfits I've picked out even though last night they seemed perfect, the emcee notes are written, the programs are printed and folded... my head keeps spinning through the possibilities of attendance, how my fight will go, how the night will go...? Did I put the performers in the right order? What if we don't have enough people in the audience? What if we have too many? Was it a mistake to really put myself out there by performing in this show?

Part of the proceeds from tonight will go to Destiny Arts, an inner city youth organization dedicated to violence prevention and using theatre and dance to promote social change. It's a program that I believe in, and that also fits with my goals of pushing and promoting local art. 

Giving back to the community was an important part of this process for me, which gave me a whole new perspective on producing the show. Making money for the kids trumped my insecurity about performing...which means I invited everyone. I know this is good for me, but it's really pushing my limits.

I've dedicated the show to the memory of Sara.... You know, cause adding multiple layers of conflicting emotions seemed like an excellent idea....

*deepbreathandjump*

Totem!

Thanks to Michael and Kevin, I got to take Nchedo and myself to the opening night of Totem in San Jose!

Cirque shows never cease to impress me.

This show had a beautiful rollerskating piece, some really hunky ring guys, and a delightfully unique juggling act. They also had lots of sparkly costumes. :)

They pushed the limits with...head balancing? I don't know what else to call it... Head balancing another human on the end of a pole while walking on elevated bamboo sticks. And, their trampoline stuff was done on skinny, flexy beams that were also held in the air. CRAZY! They had a very charming trapeze act, some great bowl balancing/flipping while riding a unicycle stuff, and a really wonderful Native American dancer/hoop artist? It could've maybe used a stronger storyline, but regardless, it was a fantastic show!

I'm up -- waiting for allergy medicine to kick in so I can breathe and sleep. 

In the middle of working through and trying to understand the tragedy of Sara's death, I've still had a show to plan...which has made things a little crazy.  Unfortunately, and fortunately, life just keeps moving no matter what the circumstances.  It actually helps me because I tend to deal with pain by staying really busy... I already had a bunch of plans and a lot of things to do for the show over the last couple weeks, so I just continued to move through them.  I've been surrounded by so many friends. 

Here's the list of wonderful friends, and moments to remember:

Epic soccer practice with the Europeans
How We Met at Marine's Memorial w/ Nik
Pican and Paramount movie classics w/ Noah
Dodgeball w/ Brian, Irvin, and Dan
Jessica's birthday
Lots of stage combat with Kara
The Vow w/ Michael
Sid's commercial
Dinner and a movie w/ Josh
Drinks w/ Patti and Cathy
Winning our first soccer game!
The Poor House w/ Shannon
Pirates of Penzance w/ Gabriella and Morgan
Joe's birthday
Fool for Love w/ Anna

...in a better place...

We say that someone is in a better place when they pass away...

Sara's memorial service was yesterday.  It was a simple ceremony held at a place where she used to work.  They said a few words about her, and then just opened up the mic for people to speak.  People told stories about her life and her smile and her love of animals and wine and sports... we laughed and cried, and let ourselves feel grateful for how our lives were touched by hers. 

I found the courage to approach the mic and tell the stories of how she and I met at work and used to run out to get sushi for lunch together.  How we became good friends.  How we lost touch for a while, and then reconnected a couple years ago and fell right back into our friendship.  I talked about the last two times I saw Sara.... once, giggling uncontrollably at the bar for my birthday... and, the last time, back at our favorite sushi restaurant for dinner and a catch-up session. 

Sara was so happy the last night I saw her.  We talked about the boy she'd brought to my birthday and how she was really excited about him.  I felt like she was finally in the kind of relationship she deserved -- one that was balanced and giving, and very unlike her last relationship.   While she was talking that night, I couldn't help noticing how beautiful she was, and how happy I was that she seemed to have found this moment where everything was falling into place.  She deserved that so much. 

In the last moments I was with Sara, she wanted to show me the tattoo she had just gotten.  She lifted her shirt and said, "Okay, this is kind of ghetto...but, I didn't have the right bandages so I taped a paper towel over it."  :)  We stood in the parking lot, giggling behind the sushi restaurant, and she showed me one of the most beautiful tattoos I'd ever seen. 

As she drove me home, she told me that she'd wanted to get the tattoo a few months ago, but her sister told her to wait until she was in a good place to get it so she wouldn't associate it with her last break-up.  She had just gotten it that weekend.  

Oh, Sara, I miss you so much already....

Waking to nightmares

Immortalized in beauty and tragedy.

Headline:  Man kills ex-girlfriend, then himself in Alameda

Late last night I saw a facebook post that said, "Rest in peace, Sara..." It was just after midnight, and was posted by a guy who used to date one of my friends.  I scrolled down to my last text from Sara, which was from the day before at 4:53pm.  I thought, "It can't be, it doesn't make any sense..." but, I was afraid to text her to find out.  I went to Sara's facebook page to see if anyone else had posted something like this and found post after post of rest in peace wishes...  With shaky hands I went back to Daniel's page to ask what happened. He replied with, "She was murdered last night...".

It wasn't real.  I just saw her last Wednesday, she just texted me.  We have plans to meet up on Sunday!  I googled and found this:  http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2012/02/15/BA3L1N7DU7.DTL  About an hour and a half after her last text to me, Sara's most recent ex-boyfriend showed up at her home and shot her. 

Last night I kept waking up with nightmares.  I would find myself imaging the stories she would tell about how it all felt... when she saw the gun, what it was like to be shot... to die.  In the news, it's a vague, nameless story of another relationship gone bad with a tragic ending... but, this is not another news story, this was a great friend - someone who was smart and ambitious, thoughtful, beautiful... someone I could giggle with all night and tell secrets to.  Sara didn't live in the ghetto or have a drug problem - her ex sounded like an emotional rollercoaster, but not like a violent person. 

How did this happen.... ?

I'm sort of numb and okay, and then I can't hold back the tears. I read the article again and again and again... I can hear her voice. I can hear her telling me...every detail, and I can't seem to process any of it -- but it all hurts. 

:'(

Goodbye, my friend...

Jury duty

...the view from the hallway outside the courtroom.  

Let's start with the case:  The defendant was being tried on four accounts: domestic violence, child abuse, threatening to kill, and damage to a cell phone (it's a crime to damage a cell phone if someone is trying to use it to call for help).  We found the defendant guilty on all accounts but the cell phone charge -- we believed he was unaware the victim was trying to call for help.  

The proceedings were painful... not only because of the uncomfortable nature of the content, but I hated the lawyers, the judge seemed strangely passive and uninterested, and the courtroom felt like a soul-sucking, out-dated, box of hell.... okay, maybe I'm being a little dramatic.

The prosecuting lawyer was this big, dorky, young guy with a weird comb over - even though he had thick, bushy hair, and didn't seem to have anything to comb "over".  Maybe no one ever taught him where to part his hair.  He was commanding and bit likable, but had a tendency to hold a slight smile when addressing the jury...which was completely disconcerting given what he was presenting. 

The defending lawyer was this cute, tiny, young Asian girl who would talk in circles, ask conflicting questions and then expect a simple answer, and who would reiterate her points ad nauseum.  I found her to be completely intolerable.  She asked each jury member to promise to treat her client, with whom she had the privilege to represent, the same way we'd treat a loved one or family member who was innocent.  Puke. 

Deliberations weren't that bad.  We were mostly in agreement, but were all very willing to go through the process of really exhausting both sides of the case before coming to a final ruling.  All of my fellow jurors were thoughtful and level headed...except one.  The one wasn't terrible, just annoying in the fact that he would get stuck on details that either didn't matter or we couldn't change. 

This is how I described it on facebook: jury duty was like having to watch a 3 day-long disturbing play being performed by bad actors -- and then having to dissect each scene, with a random assortment of strangers, until everyone agreed on what the playwright was thinking when he drunkenly wrote it. thank god that's over...i also have to say that, though it was painful, it was a fascinating process to have to go through. i understand the importance of serving...even if it means they keep you in captivity while dampening your hope in humanity. :P

Hero for the day!

Sooo, tonight Anna and I headed into the city to see "a live radio show performance" starring my friend Joan as the folly artist.  It was a fun and creative performance by a very talented group of people. 

After the show, we'd decided to head back to the East Bay to catch a band playing in a bar in downtown Oakland. We grabbed a quick bite to eat and then went to find my car.  

...I had no idea where I had parked my car...

All of the streets around the theatre looked pretty similar, so Anna and I wandered around for about 20 minutes looking for my car with no luck. We were getting to the point of it's-going-to-be-a-long-night, when this guy on a crazy lit up bike rounded the corner... I looked at Anna and said, "Maybe that guy could give us a ride to help us find my car...". At that moment, That Guy pulled up and said, "Hey, would you girls like a ride?"

YES.

The bike, as you can sort of see, was a double decker tandom (with the top level about 6 feet off the ground), made of fiber glass and steel, and doubling as a giant boom box. Paul was our fearless driver/savior.

Anna grabbed the seat on the bottom of the bike, where she would help pedal. I was lifted to a space behind the driver's seat on the top, where I would hold on for dear life until the ride was over.

Paul drove us around and then asked where he could drop us off. We told him we had lost my car, so he circled the blocks around the theatre until we found it. HERO FOR THE DAY!!

Ah...the things that make me love San Francisco... :)

Speaking of, last night I got to catch a bit of Sketchfest in North Beach with Noah. A night of Italian food, comedy, and great company.

shhhhhhh....

*This photo was taken this summer in Paris from a balcony at the Centre Pompidou.

I had an amazing weekend.

Josh graduated from animation school. I had a great meeting with Joan about shows for the warehouse. I went to Thang's birthday party where I played Fruit Ninja until my arms were sore, and then giggled through an intense game of Taboo. Josh and I had a great meeting about him doing an animated card for my mom's birthday, and then he and I and his friend went to the archery range and shot arrows. I ended the weekend with Randee's latest modern dance piece.

I'm going to bring back Eight in March. I'm pretty excited about doing a show again, even though the work I'll have to put into it feels a bit daunting...but, I think it's just what I need right now.

I seem to think that I'm through with love... for the moment. ...this could easily change by morning.

And now...

I need to remember to order decaf Americanos.

I'm sitting here, with no contacts in or glasses on, looking at my computer screen thinking I'm more tired than I am because of my blurred vision.  Strange how not being able to see clearly has that effect.  On me, anyway...

I'm wearing pink silky pajama bottoms with embroidered flowers on them, a blue VS Pink sleep tank (silk screened with the little dog and the number 80 because VS knows that reference to sports and dogs while you're sleeping is totally sexy), black slipper socks that are big and fuzzy with the anti-slip traction on the bottom, a brown shrug, and the bear hat Sky made for me.  I am warm.  ...and, I'm guessing I look kind of crazy. 

I can't sleep! 

My head is full of possibilities and unanswered questions.  My calf muscles are SO SORE after soccer practice yesterday, and the game today, that I'm seriously wondering how I will walk tomorrow.  The balloon in my apartment that says, "Congratulations!" seems to confuse my cats.  The coffee from this afternoon is lingering in my veins. 

it's almost 3am and I am now drinking wine...