Dreaming is free

I went to Boston for the 4th of July to spend some time with Aatman, and to celebrate our anniversary and his birthday.  (He's in Boston, on a very demanding month long medical rotation.)  We knew the trip might find us right across the street from each other with no real contact, but we made a couple of hopeful dinner reservations anyway.   

Because I wasn't sure we would see each other much, I had planned a walking tour, solo brunch, a visit to a museum and to the library... but, then, Aatman was let out of work early on the 4th and we were able to have the most magical anniversary celebration together!  We had an amazing brunch at the Tip Tap room, went to Faneuil Hall to see the street performers, and wandered around the water front district, ending up at the aquarium for a few hours which included seeing a great IMAX film about sharks.  Our anniversary dinner was at one of Aatman's favorite sushi restaurants, and then we got back to my hotel to find the best private view of the fireworks we could've possibly asked for.  

Aatman's birthday is on the 6th, but we planned to celebrate it on the 5th because we knew he'd have to work on the 6th (and, my return flight was scheduled on that day).  He was let out of work a bit early on the 5th as well (!), so we wandered around Charles Street, hung out at the bar at the Liberty Hotel (which used to be a prison and is now a luxury hotel), and then we went to a really nice Italian dinner at Grotto.  :)  

I also ended up with some solo time, so I did the walking tour, saw the library, checked out the esplanade and wandered the charming streets of Boston a bit on my own.     

It was a short trip, but it was perfect.  :)

Panic attacks and foreboding joy

Things are great things are great things are great, and then -- BAM!! ...you start getting panic attacks -- which make you feel like you're dying.  And, I mean, like, for real dying.  Like, I should call someone, write a will, and check myself into the hospital kind of dying.  Like, if I keep thinking about this vs doing something it might be too late and then I will be dead kind of dying.  

Apparently, that last one (thinking about it vs doing something) is key to differentiating between panic attacks and actual dying.  If you're actually dying, supposedly there wouldn't be a debate going on in your head, you would know something's really wrong and would either go to the hospital, or die.  (Disclaimer: This blog and my hypochondria should NOT to be used for medical diagnosis.)  

But, as I mentioned, things are great.  

There's this thing called "foreboding joy".  It's the feeling, or fear, that when things are going really great something bad might happen. 

Along with the panic attacks, I've been having a lot of foreboding joy lately because things have been great.  Which is ridiculous because, when I really start looking at my life, I know there are many things that aren't great.  My relationship has some obstacles to overcome, my mom had a pretty big surgery today, the theatre where I've produced most of my shows is about to be torn down, a couple of my closest friends are moving away, and I started having panic attacks because of some serious unnecessary drama at work.  

The "problem" is, the drama at work has since subsided along with the panic attacks, my relationship has grown a ton recently and feels wonderful regardless of the obstacles, I have amazing and inspiring friends and I know that having some of them move on will be the best thing for them, my mom's surgery has the potential to really improve her quality of life, and I'm still alive because I was only having panic attacks.  

I think the lessons here are:  Panic attacks are terrifying (but you'll be just fine), and sometimes when things are great it leads to foreboding joy.  :P