"i.just.don't.know."

I'm standing on the street corner with a friend of mine and this random guy in a convertible pulls up and says to him, "You're a very lucky man." and then drives away. My friend looks at me, smiles and says, "He must think you're my wife."

What...?! ...and, what??!

I was never the pretty girl growing up. I was more the cute sidekick, or the token Asian girl who was cool to have around.

Somehow, it seems I have guys coming out of my ears right now... but, what do I do with them when I only want one.... who's ... unavailable? ...but, keeps moving all of the pieces around and, in the meantime, manages to make me feel wonderful....

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I went to the final dress rehearsal for Scapin the other night - a show with incredible physical comedy that had me laughing throughout the performance... but, I left the theater feeling unsatisfied. I wanted to come away feeling affected. Moved. Changed. I wanted to experience something... more than laughter, I guess...?

The characters were wonderful, but I didn't have much invested in them. I never saw them risk anything. There was dancing, silly walks, elastic body movement... but no real growth or vulnerability.

I guess this brings me back to the question(s) I have about art and judgment. It's all about empathy... no?

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Disneyland!

I had the pleasure of meeting my wonderful friends, Stacey and Todd, at Disneyland this weekend!! You couldn't ask for better company at the happiest place on earth. :)
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September 11th

"Peace Fountain celebrates the triumph of Good over Evil, and sets before us the world's opposing forces - violence and harmony, light and darkness, life and death - which God reconciles in his peace."

I remember taking BART in for work and finding the city strangely quiet. My building was closed and I was told to go home...
I laid on the couch watching the twin towers fall again and again with tears in my eyes and my stomach in knots.

With great respect and hope...my heart goes out today.

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I heart NY

I've just adjusted to this timezone - and back to Cali I go...

A quick breakdown:

Beowulf
My Artichoke Heart
The Highline
Katz's deli
Spanish wine place with the crazy drinking apparatus thingy
Dancing
Brooklyn bridge
Sleeping in the grass
UCB
Columbia campus and the Cathedrals
Matsuri
John, Tom, Des, Holly, Jen... and of course, Simón... :)

*sigh*

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Drunk - 5 stars

I love everyone and I am wasted... wine needed to be drunk... cause I'm leaving tomorrow and it will go bad and it takes like 1 drink for me to be drunk....

I have some amazing people in my life right now. Amazing. Love.

Yeah...

I remember how I shouldn't drink and blog, but I'm trying to not be wasteful. I got new contacts today and I'm not sure that I like them... And, then, today was my bosses last day...which was kind of a surprise cause she was supposed to be here through like two wednesdays from now...

and, now....

And, what the....

I was basically bribed, off the record, to stay at my job through January. It just keeps getting better and better, doesn't it? And after NY, I'm going to Disneyland. Seriously, I am.

Okay, pouring this glass down the drain...

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Moments

Someone once told me that when you have ringing in your ear it means you're about to lose the ability to hear that frequency...so, I guess as the frequency dies...it cries out... and then it's gone...
I have no idea if that is true, it's just something I was told once...

I feel like in my effort to stop reporting and do more thinking and writing, I've missed some moments that I should've captured... incredible clown shows, a perfect trip to Santa Cruz, a Ramadan dinner and a poker night, the Duck boat and other birthday parties for my beautiful friends... nights on the town, a bit of romance... auditions, the theater festival, mom's visit... Beach Blanket Babylon, Total B.S., IN THE WOUND... and friends friends friends... I'm exhausted and blessed.

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In the last couple months, this has become my daily routine...

I park in the garage below my building at work. Upon arrival, Billy (one of the parking guys) says, "My princess is here!", gives me a hug, and wishes me a good day...and then I say hi to the rest of the parking guys on my way to the stairs.

When I get to the lobby, I say hi to Penny (our daytime security guard), do the robot with her, we laugh and she thanks me for the robot, and I head into my office where I greet the girls at the front desk.

When I leave for the day, I do a high pitched screechy greeting/farewell with Moses (the night security guard) which was created by him and I think is in reference to me being small, and then I head down the stairs to the garage where I yell, "Helloooo?", and Sam and Arnell (the night parking guys) yell, "Kristen!", and come running to give me my keys. We have random happy exchanges where they try to guess where I'm going, and then I leave.

All of this happens, with slight variation, everyday.

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HA!

It's sort of like the moment when you discover your fly is down and you wonder how long it's been that way...

Wait, maybe not.

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The Marina

I love to admire the city from a distance... by daylight as a faded silhouette...by night as a dense constellation...

When I got to the marina, the car next to mine had a man in the driver's seat reading. The weather was perfect today, so both of our windows were down and his car had been backed in so our windows met as I pulled in. I was singing along to a Sam Cooke song, and must've smiled at him as I parked.

"You have a beautiful smile." He said as I opened my door. "Thank you so much..." I replied. He mentioned something else about how much he liked my smile and then wished me a good day. I wished him one as well and made my way to the rocks by the water.

It felt so good to sit and listen to the bay... the water lapping gently against the rocks... the seagulls... the boats coming in for the night... people's voices sounding relaxed and happy as they strolled along the way...

After about an hour, I decided I was ready to go.

As I approached my car, the man in the car next to mine started to tell me from his window about how another man had come up to my car while I was away. The other man stood for a while behind my car trying to get into my trunk, until he realized he was at the wrong car. He and the man in the car chuckled about it for a bit, talked about the beautiful weather, and then the other man went to his car and left.

The man in the car next to mine thanked me for parking next to him and told me I had made his day... I wished him a good night, smiled, and drove away.

:)

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from "the book" (face)....

So, last night, I can't get this sad song out of my head that starts with the lyrics "once upon a time...", so I post that as my status update... and this is what ensued.

``````````````````````````````````

once upon a time...

o
in the land of enchanted hills.

o
I bought a sandwich and it was good

o
so I bought another and brought it to the King

o
And the king gave me a horse and rode through the town

o
telling everyone how much he LOVED the sandwich! he told the town's people that anyone who brings him a good sandwich... will also get a horse. ... until they run out of horses...

o
In the mean time, the horses got together and decided that their safety, health and overall well being were not to be tempered with in such a reckless manner. So instead they...

o
made amazing sandwiches for the King. Upon presenting them the King granted them their freedom from humans and gave them each a large tract of land for their own.

o
Until the land ran out and the King began giving away his daughters to those that brought him a sandwich. He had 7 daughters in total....

o
And I gave the king 7 sandwichs. Then the king gave me all 7 daughters. But as I looked at them I quickly realized that they were gigantic. And so I took my horse and rode away very very fast...

o
....the ride was terrible and my thirst great. I took a drink from the tanned deer's bladder that one of the giant daughter's gave me. It was full of her tears; she claimed her tears were more hydrating than coconut milk. As I rode I got ......woozy. The next thing I remember is coming to in a dark, dank room; my head was pounding. I wasn't able to move my body and my clothes felt soggy. A man with a taut brow in a black robe appeared in my field of vision. He stared at me then asked, "Tell me, why are you so soggy?"

o
i replied, "i've been drinking the tears of a giant woman... "

o
Is that like drinking from a firehose?

o
said the man in the black robe...

o
there was a stable boy who hated cheese puffs.

o
Because...they always turned his fingers orange...

o
He considered his fingers to be for either horse manure, pleasure or both. Orange would not do. Orange was a fever dream.

o
the man in the black robe said aloud... "but that's probably the enchanted hills talking...ha!" still, it brought him to the conclusion that i must be soggy because i was drinking from a firehose of tears! he and i spoke of my adventures for a while until he finally said, "how can i help you, soggy man, who's been riding on a horse that owns land, with 7 giant daughters full of tears chasing you?"....i still couldn't move and didn't know how to respond. my robed friend furrowed his brow...thought for a minute...

...and then made me a perfect sandwich...

the end.

:) love you all.

Bay Area nights...

I used to frequent the local underground music scene - it had been a while...

I miss the dark tiny venues, warehouses covered in stickers and graffiti, the toxic beach.... Hoodies and dickies accessorized in metal, converse, tattoos...angst. All I ever needed was my camera and someone to bum me a smoke....

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"You gotta keep on your toes...you never know what might be coming at ya..."

One night when I was a waitress, I was swinging my tray around and I accidentally launched it at a couple at a nearby table. The tray flew and hit the side of their table pretty hard. I ran up right after it and, in the middle of their shock, grabbed the tray and said, "You gotta keep on your toes...you never know what might be coming at ya! Haha :) ". They seemed entertained - and as I walked away I tried to figure out what the hell had just happened.

Last night, I was at a progressive birthday party with a Pirate theme, which included a stop at a Pirate themed bar. One of the girls at the party was only 20 years old, so early in the night we knew we'd have to come up with a plan to get her into the bar. When we arrived (at the bar), me, the 20 year old, and her 21 year old friend were standing on the street devising a plan while waiting for the rest of the party to arrive. While we were standing there, a guy turns from a group of girls and says to us, "You can come to my party too!"...which we soon realized was inside the bar. Me and the 21 year old were on the same page... she said, "Maybe you can help us... see, my friend is only 20 years old... can you get her in?" I stepped in and said, "Here's what we need you to do... just put your arm around her, and just walk her in..." Simple. He said his name was Mohammed. He started toward the door, so we tucked the 20 year old under his arm and followed them. As he entered the door, the door man was eyeballing our young friend, so I quickly put my ID in his face as a distraction. It worked like a charm and soon we were all crashing Mohammed's party in the basement of the bar.

Sometimes things just work out perfectly when you least expect it.... :)

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Twenty Six

I'm 35 this year, and have been told by so many people in the last 5 months they thought I was 26... People at work, guys at the club, friends who didn't know my age, strangers just guessing or carding me... That's such a specific age. 26. And it's been so consistent. No, 25 or 27...only 26.

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