I am.....so-bored-at-work....!!

...though, aside from being bored, work has actually been going really well... I mean, I'm getting along with my boss, I love my co-workers, we have fun things going on, and I don't mind any of the work I have to do - there's just not enough of it!  I like to be really busy.  Like, crazy busy.  Like...on the verge of chaos.  ...but, lately, I get everything done in the first 30 minutes I arrive, and the rest of the time I obsessively check facebook, read RSS feeds, listen to music, email, chat, send links to people I think will appreciate them, take walks, stand in the kitchen, go to auditions... okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a little and it's not really that bad -  but it's not really good....  For me, anyway.  Although, every time I feel like this and wish for chaos, it generally happens, and not always in the good way so.... maybe I should stop right here and say that things are good... I just want to be busier, please.  

BAH!

~~~~~~

The list:

Hunger Games w/ Josh
Dinner w/ Gabriella
Happy Hour w/ Star
Trivia!
Dinner w/ Matt and Jessica

Tonight is soccer.  Tomorrow - Tahoe... :) 

Rain

We finished the short film today in the rain. It was an easy end after last week's all day shoot. I'm anxious and a bit nervous to see how it will turn out - it's the first film I've starred in...

After the shoot, I had an audition for a student film and then a couple parties on my calendar. I went to the audition, and then skipped the parties for a much needed night on the couch with the cats. I love it when both cats snuggle up with me, especially on rainy nights. It's like being surrounded by little furry heaters.

Although this week was tiring, it was full of amazing conversations, great art, interesting challenges, and so much fun! The highlights include: A Doctor in Spite of Himself with Lachelle, Playground with Noah, lunch w/ Alex, Skype date with Holly, dinner w/ Brian and Teresa, catching up with Stacey, dinner and half of Titus Andronicus with Alessandra, and out and about with Anna and friends. So many good things... :)

Sara

This is Sara's profile picture from facebook. Even though she's gone, her account is still active.


I have developed an easily argued against theory (yes, you read that correctly) that the preview of your friends on facebook reflects the people who stalk you the most. Most of the time, my theory seems to make sense because the people who show up in my preview seem to be the people I hang out with or are who I would imagine would be the most curious about me - and, it tends to be the same people, or a variation at the same rate that the people I hang out with vary... but, in the last few days, Sara has been showing up in my preview...

I was talking with Stacey tonight and realized that maybe I haven't done a good job in dealing with Sara's death. I haven't really talked to anyone about her because I don't want to bring people down... but, maybe that means I've sort of avoided dealing with the loss. I feel like I tend to deal with death in a very personal way, though, so maybe talking about her isn't necessary. I don't know. ? At the same time, I do publicly blog about her...

*sigh* ...the pain from it seems to creep up on me when I least expect it.

Post show blues...

*this picture is from Eight! - featuring the side of the house where no one was sitting... :P

I had so much anxiety and anticipation leading up to Eight! that I found myself with a big case of the post show blues the next day. The best way to cope with the post show blues is to throw yourself into another show or project so, that weekend, I found myself back on set for a short film. A director friend of mine asked me to play a runaway bride.

Dressing up as a bride and running around the city makes people think you are actually getting married...which, I guess makes sense, and was fascinating.

The rest of the week was weirdly exhausting... and then this weekend was a mess. I completely overbooked myself to the point where I actually forgot about one of the events I said I would go to, filming yesterday took about 7 hours longer than we scheduled, and I've missed multiple other engagements.... it's very unlike me to be flaky, so it's making me feel crazy and awful, but I guess it's the result of really overdoing it.

This next week will be just as bad, if not worse... but THEN... I will... I want to write slow things down, but I have a feeling I will just acclimate instead. ;)

Eight!

Take 2!

I. am. exhausted....but, still awake and blogging. 

Eight! 

8 acts for 8 minutes.  An incredible lineup of performers.  A
good cause.  A Thursday night...

My incredible lineup:

Edwin Li:  stand-up comedy
Jessica Gruner: literary reading
Nikolas Strubbe: storytelling
Texas Holly: burlesque
Kara Penrose/Me: stage combat
Bernard Vash: clowning
Michael Katz: storytelling
Matthew Solberg: music

I also had Brian Koloszyc serving his tasty home-brewed IPA, Aria
Zuloaga displaying her beautiful artwork, Robert Liebsch perfecting
our sound, Tony Walker working/securing the door, Teresa Tamburello
rockin' the bar, and Joan Howard flawlessly running the house.

A big thanks to everyone who made this night possible and successful....

Tonight is a full moon

This photo was taken last night, which feels like days ago...

Eight! goes up tonight. 

I'm second guessing the outfits I've picked out even though last night they seemed perfect, the emcee notes are written, the programs are printed and folded... my head keeps spinning through the possibilities of attendance, how my fight will go, how the night will go...? Did I put the performers in the right order? What if we don't have enough people in the audience? What if we have too many? Was it a mistake to really put myself out there by performing in this show?

Part of the proceeds from tonight will go to Destiny Arts, an inner city youth organization dedicated to violence prevention and using theatre and dance to promote social change. It's a program that I believe in, and that also fits with my goals of pushing and promoting local art. 

Giving back to the community was an important part of this process for me, which gave me a whole new perspective on producing the show. Making money for the kids trumped my insecurity about performing...which means I invited everyone. I know this is good for me, but it's really pushing my limits.

I've dedicated the show to the memory of Sara.... You know, cause adding multiple layers of conflicting emotions seemed like an excellent idea....

*deepbreathandjump*

Totem!

Thanks to Michael and Kevin, I got to take Nchedo and myself to the opening night of Totem in San Jose!

Cirque shows never cease to impress me.

This show had a beautiful rollerskating piece, some really hunky ring guys, and a delightfully unique juggling act. They also had lots of sparkly costumes. :)

They pushed the limits with...head balancing? I don't know what else to call it... Head balancing another human on the end of a pole while walking on elevated bamboo sticks. And, their trampoline stuff was done on skinny, flexy beams that were also held in the air. CRAZY! They had a very charming trapeze act, some great bowl balancing/flipping while riding a unicycle stuff, and a really wonderful Native American dancer/hoop artist? It could've maybe used a stronger storyline, but regardless, it was a fantastic show!

I'm up -- waiting for allergy medicine to kick in so I can breathe and sleep. 

In the middle of working through and trying to understand the tragedy of Sara's death, I've still had a show to plan...which has made things a little crazy.  Unfortunately, and fortunately, life just keeps moving no matter what the circumstances.  It actually helps me because I tend to deal with pain by staying really busy... I already had a bunch of plans and a lot of things to do for the show over the last couple weeks, so I just continued to move through them.  I've been surrounded by so many friends. 

Here's the list of wonderful friends, and moments to remember:

Epic soccer practice with the Europeans
How We Met at Marine's Memorial w/ Nik
Pican and Paramount movie classics w/ Noah
Dodgeball w/ Brian, Irvin, and Dan
Jessica's birthday
Lots of stage combat with Kara
The Vow w/ Michael
Sid's commercial
Dinner and a movie w/ Josh
Drinks w/ Patti and Cathy
Winning our first soccer game!
The Poor House w/ Shannon
Pirates of Penzance w/ Gabriella and Morgan
Joe's birthday
Fool for Love w/ Anna

...in a better place...

We say that someone is in a better place when they pass away...

Sara's memorial service was yesterday.  It was a simple ceremony held at a place where she used to work.  They said a few words about her, and then just opened up the mic for people to speak.  People told stories about her life and her smile and her love of animals and wine and sports... we laughed and cried, and let ourselves feel grateful for how our lives were touched by hers. 

I found the courage to approach the mic and tell the stories of how she and I met at work and used to run out to get sushi for lunch together.  How we became good friends.  How we lost touch for a while, and then reconnected a couple years ago and fell right back into our friendship.  I talked about the last two times I saw Sara.... once, giggling uncontrollably at the bar for my birthday... and, the last time, back at our favorite sushi restaurant for dinner and a catch-up session. 

Sara was so happy the last night I saw her.  We talked about the boy she'd brought to my birthday and how she was really excited about him.  I felt like she was finally in the kind of relationship she deserved -- one that was balanced and giving, and very unlike her last relationship.   While she was talking that night, I couldn't help noticing how beautiful she was, and how happy I was that she seemed to have found this moment where everything was falling into place.  She deserved that so much. 

In the last moments I was with Sara, she wanted to show me the tattoo she had just gotten.  She lifted her shirt and said, "Okay, this is kind of ghetto...but, I didn't have the right bandages so I taped a paper towel over it."  :)  We stood in the parking lot, giggling behind the sushi restaurant, and she showed me one of the most beautiful tattoos I'd ever seen. 

As she drove me home, she told me that she'd wanted to get the tattoo a few months ago, but her sister told her to wait until she was in a good place to get it so she wouldn't associate it with her last break-up.  She had just gotten it that weekend.  

Oh, Sara, I miss you so much already....

Waking to nightmares

Immortalized in beauty and tragedy.

Headline:  Man kills ex-girlfriend, then himself in Alameda

Late last night I saw a facebook post that said, "Rest in peace, Sara..." It was just after midnight, and was posted by a guy who used to date one of my friends.  I scrolled down to my last text from Sara, which was from the day before at 4:53pm.  I thought, "It can't be, it doesn't make any sense..." but, I was afraid to text her to find out.  I went to Sara's facebook page to see if anyone else had posted something like this and found post after post of rest in peace wishes...  With shaky hands I went back to Daniel's page to ask what happened. He replied with, "She was murdered last night...".

It wasn't real.  I just saw her last Wednesday, she just texted me.  We have plans to meet up on Sunday!  I googled and found this:  http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2012/02/15/BA3L1N7DU7.DTL  About an hour and a half after her last text to me, Sara's most recent ex-boyfriend showed up at her home and shot her. 

Last night I kept waking up with nightmares.  I would find myself imaging the stories she would tell about how it all felt... when she saw the gun, what it was like to be shot... to die.  In the news, it's a vague, nameless story of another relationship gone bad with a tragic ending... but, this is not another news story, this was a great friend - someone who was smart and ambitious, thoughtful, beautiful... someone I could giggle with all night and tell secrets to.  Sara didn't live in the ghetto or have a drug problem - her ex sounded like an emotional rollercoaster, but not like a violent person. 

How did this happen.... ?

I'm sort of numb and okay, and then I can't hold back the tears. I read the article again and again and again... I can hear her voice. I can hear her telling me...every detail, and I can't seem to process any of it -- but it all hurts. 

:'(

Goodbye, my friend...

Jury duty

...the view from the hallway outside the courtroom.  

Let's start with the case:  The defendant was being tried on four accounts: domestic violence, child abuse, threatening to kill, and damage to a cell phone (it's a crime to damage a cell phone if someone is trying to use it to call for help).  We found the defendant guilty on all accounts but the cell phone charge -- we believed he was unaware the victim was trying to call for help.  

The proceedings were painful... not only because of the uncomfortable nature of the content, but I hated the lawyers, the judge seemed strangely passive and uninterested, and the courtroom felt like a soul-sucking, out-dated, box of hell.... okay, maybe I'm being a little dramatic.

The prosecuting lawyer was this big, dorky, young guy with a weird comb over - even though he had thick, bushy hair, and didn't seem to have anything to comb "over".  Maybe no one ever taught him where to part his hair.  He was commanding and bit likable, but had a tendency to hold a slight smile when addressing the jury...which was completely disconcerting given what he was presenting. 

The defending lawyer was this cute, tiny, young Asian girl who would talk in circles, ask conflicting questions and then expect a simple answer, and who would reiterate her points ad nauseum.  I found her to be completely intolerable.  She asked each jury member to promise to treat her client, with whom she had the privilege to represent, the same way we'd treat a loved one or family member who was innocent.  Puke. 

Deliberations weren't that bad.  We were mostly in agreement, but were all very willing to go through the process of really exhausting both sides of the case before coming to a final ruling.  All of my fellow jurors were thoughtful and level headed...except one.  The one wasn't terrible, just annoying in the fact that he would get stuck on details that either didn't matter or we couldn't change. 

This is how I described it on facebook: jury duty was like having to watch a 3 day-long disturbing play being performed by bad actors -- and then having to dissect each scene, with a random assortment of strangers, until everyone agreed on what the playwright was thinking when he drunkenly wrote it. thank god that's over...i also have to say that, though it was painful, it was a fascinating process to have to go through. i understand the importance of serving...even if it means they keep you in captivity while dampening your hope in humanity. :P

Hero for the day!

Sooo, tonight Anna and I headed into the city to see "a live radio show performance" starring my friend Joan as the folly artist.  It was a fun and creative performance by a very talented group of people. 

After the show, we'd decided to head back to the East Bay to catch a band playing in a bar in downtown Oakland. We grabbed a quick bite to eat and then went to find my car.  

...I had no idea where I had parked my car...

All of the streets around the theatre looked pretty similar, so Anna and I wandered around for about 20 minutes looking for my car with no luck. We were getting to the point of it's-going-to-be-a-long-night, when this guy on a crazy lit up bike rounded the corner... I looked at Anna and said, "Maybe that guy could give us a ride to help us find my car...". At that moment, That Guy pulled up and said, "Hey, would you girls like a ride?"

YES.

The bike, as you can sort of see, was a double decker tandom (with the top level about 6 feet off the ground), made of fiber glass and steel, and doubling as a giant boom box. Paul was our fearless driver/savior.

Anna grabbed the seat on the bottom of the bike, where she would help pedal. I was lifted to a space behind the driver's seat on the top, where I would hold on for dear life until the ride was over.

Paul drove us around and then asked where he could drop us off. We told him we had lost my car, so he circled the blocks around the theatre until we found it. HERO FOR THE DAY!!

Ah...the things that make me love San Francisco... :)

Speaking of, last night I got to catch a bit of Sketchfest in North Beach with Noah. A night of Italian food, comedy, and great company.

shhhhhhh....

*This photo was taken this summer in Paris from a balcony at the Centre Pompidou.

I had an amazing weekend.

Josh graduated from animation school. I had a great meeting with Joan about shows for the warehouse. I went to Thang's birthday party where I played Fruit Ninja until my arms were sore, and then giggled through an intense game of Taboo. Josh and I had a great meeting about him doing an animated card for my mom's birthday, and then he and I and his friend went to the archery range and shot arrows. I ended the weekend with Randee's latest modern dance piece.

I'm going to bring back Eight in March. I'm pretty excited about doing a show again, even though the work I'll have to put into it feels a bit daunting...but, I think it's just what I need right now.

I seem to think that I'm through with love... for the moment. ...this could easily change by morning.

And now...

I need to remember to order decaf Americanos.

I'm sitting here, with no contacts in or glasses on, looking at my computer screen thinking I'm more tired than I am because of my blurred vision.  Strange how not being able to see clearly has that effect.  On me, anyway...

I'm wearing pink silky pajama bottoms with embroidered flowers on them, a blue VS Pink sleep tank (silk screened with the little dog and the number 80 because VS knows that reference to sports and dogs while you're sleeping is totally sexy), black slipper socks that are big and fuzzy with the anti-slip traction on the bottom, a brown shrug, and the bear hat Sky made for me.  I am warm.  ...and, I'm guessing I look kind of crazy. 

I can't sleep! 

My head is full of possibilities and unanswered questions.  My calf muscles are SO SORE after soccer practice yesterday, and the game today, that I'm seriously wondering how I will walk tomorrow.  The balloon in my apartment that says, "Congratulations!" seems to confuse my cats.  The coffee from this afternoon is lingering in my veins. 

it's almost 3am and I am now drinking wine...