"I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing..."

Headphones on. Volume up.

If I can just keep myself distracted and busy enough...

This week I finished an intermediate acting class at ACT. The rest of the week I have been volunteering at the SF Hip Hop Dance Festival after work and will continue throughout the weekend... Next week is Thanksgiving, the week after I'll be in Carmel on a film set with my brother and our film producer friend... and then I head to NY for a week for work. I'll get back and have a week here, head to Colorado for Christmas, and then straight to LA for a week long stage combat workshop. ...and then it's 2011.

...I think my best friend has breast cancer... she hasn't explicitly said it, but she's had some tests and said the results weren't good and she'll have to go into surgery next week or the week after....

If I can just keep myself distracted and busy enough...

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Coffee break

I found this drawn on my coffee cup when I got back to the office. I think it's a penguin... ?

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Made in Korea

I was born in Korea, abandoned, taken to an orphanage, put in a foster home, adopted at 6 months old - and then thrown into a white middle class world I would never visibly fit into...

The eyes seem to give me away.

Have you ever seen the movie The Jerk? Where Navin (Steve Martin) is raised by a black family, and doesn't realize he's not black until he comes across "white" music on the radio one night and, for the first time in his life, can move to the rhythm...?

When I was in college, I hung out with a bunch of Hawaii kids. A few of them were really racist against white people and would make comments about them in front of me. I would find myself angrily defending my family, my friends, and...myself - the white kid in the Asian disguise... At the time, I had a boyfriend who was half black and half white. We used to talk about how it felt isolating to not really fit into either culture...but how, simultaneously, it seemed to allow us to fit in everywhere...

It's strange when you perceive yourself one way while the world sees you as something else... and fascinating how much that perception can make a difference.

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

A case for vulnerability and wholeheartedness

A beautiful talk. You won't regret making the time to listen to the entire thing.

Respect

I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately. Not just romantic relationships, but all relationships. I've found that mutual respect is key in making a relationship work, and feeds into many aspects. Respect means, (taken from dictionary.com) esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability. It means, favor or partiality. To show regard or consideration for, to refrain from intruding upon or interfering with, to relate or have reference to.

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Fall

Let's see...amazing shows I've seen that I've neglected to review include: Circus Oz, The Brothers Size, Mike Birbiglia, and an impromptu trumpet performance in front of a brick wall facade in a warehouse by a friend's roommate's boyfriend. *grin* There have been more shows - but these were especially unique and completely wonderful. They deserve my sincere compliments and praise for the inspiration, authenticity, skill ...but, I'm not sure my words would do them justice...

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

East vs West, Right vs Left

At a bar on Folsom where I'm meeting some friends, there's a bun truck outside, so I order from it. I'm waiting to receive my food and this man starts to talk to me. He's older, from New York, and is visiting his friend in San Francisco. I tell him I've been toying with the idea of moving to New York and he says to me, "Don't move to New York - just visit. Move into San Francisco instead - it's so much nicer here. Don't move to New York".

Every time I set foot in New York, I feel like I have to move there...and every time I come back to the Bay I fall in love with it again.

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Perfect

Today was perfect in exactly the ways a day should be perfect...

I woke up late and guilt free. Got some stuff done this morning that I'd been putting off. Found out my favorite Patrick will be in town next week. Had an impromptu lunch with John, whom I love. Went to a delightful tasting with the delightful Shannon to assist in holiday party planning. Went to see Cameron's art installation which left me completely impressed and inspired. Watched the end of game 2 of the Giants winning - while practicing juggling. :) Then met up with Ikenna to watch The Social Network...which I had personally banned, but had to see after all the good reviews, and it was great! And Ikenna is great. :)

The weather was perfect today, which always makes a difference, and now, I'm up too late, as usual.

:)

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Broken hearts leave jagged edges...

Here's an update on random guys who've hit on me recently because I know some of you find this entertaining...

I'm in an alley photographing graffiti. This guy says, "They're beautiful, aren't they?" ...and asks what I'm doing in the alley. I tell him I'm going to a show. He asks if he can come with me and pretend he's my date, says we should smoke pot and discuss our story... I watch him disappear into a nearby warehouse....

On a street in New York, this guy passing out cards tells me that I'm beautiful and asks me my name. I tell him and, as I walk away, he calls out to me. He asks if he can take me to coffee, gives me his number, kisses me on the cheek...

The Safeway guy. We almost collide, and then he follows me around the store. He asks me out from the aisle behind the checkout line I'm standing in. A group of people in line look back and forth between us for each response. He gives me his number with hopes that I'll call...

A fire alarm goes off during a tech rehearsal I've been invited to. Outside, the musician in the show approaches me. His music is haunting and beautiful. I find him online later and ask to be put on his list. He asks if I'd like to have drinks after one of his shows...





Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Hi rain

Speeding down the freeway with the window down and music blaring, I inhale as deeply as I can...

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Today

Today, the weather was perfect. I pulled into the garage and Arnel's smile had returned. I went upstairs, and Penny said, "Let's bring it back for Billy!" and she started to do the robot with me. :)

We had a service for Billy yesterday in the courtyard of our building, and it was so wonderful how many people were there and how many smiles he still brings to everyone's faces - even as we miss him.

I felt great today.

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Find your light

You can't have darkness without light...

It's been a rough run this year. I feel like my heart's been broken again and again... and then, in the meantime, I've found these wonderful moments of love and friends and light. ...like the universe is doing its best to counter balance the pain...

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

"For you cannot see the tears in the falling... "

Today, Billy, the parking guy who would greet me every morning with a hug and good wishes, suffered a heart attack in the garage, and died...

...just like that.

When I went to get my car tonight, Ali, one of the other parking guys, gave me a hug. I began to sob. He wiped my tears away and, fighting his own, said, "Now, none of that...we need you to be strong for us. We need your smile...".

I am broken...

:'(

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Perspective

In reference to what she's observed about the way I fall in love, my friend Gabriella said something like, "When you love someone, you love all of them... the good, the bad - and the stuff where you're like, whaaaaa...?????". Haha - I'm not completely sure what that last part meant exactly... but, she's right. I fall in love with all of the beautiful details of someone. I get lost in them... to the point where I sometimes forget to take a step back...

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile