YUM

Just looking at this photo makes my mouth water... I had taken a few bites before snapping it, which is why the dish is not as beautiful as it was when it was presented to me. I think it tasted even better than it looks, though, because that brown stuff was some kind of special addiction sauce. 😋

J- is a chef -- and, he is extremely talented and I feel spoiled all the time now even when he "basically does nothing". 

I'll never eat the same again. 

Passion Flower

The Passion Flower looks like it's from another planet to me. It's so unique and layered and interesting!  

~~~

I threw a birthday party on the rooftop deck again this year, but this time I invited all of my closest local friends. I sent out the invite 4 days before, promised to serve beer and popcorn only, and somehow managed to have 24 people show up! It was a fun and chaotic, chilly gathering turned house warming party (as the group thinned and could be moved into the warmer confines of my condo). People brought snacks and flowers and drinks and energy to share and it was quite a lovely time. 

Then, that evening, the guy I started dating (excused from the afternoon barrage) greeted me with flowers and took me out to The Progress for an incredible and indulgent dinner. 💖

I'll also report that Valentine's Day was sweet with the guy, including another a nice meal, a forgotten poem, a delivered poem, and a beautiful nighttime walk to the top of Bernal Hill. 

I feel fortunate and grateful for all of the people who've made me feel so special in the last few weeks. 

Seasons

On the day after Christmas, my dad slipped on some ice while trying to get into a car. He managed to keep himself from falling, but whipped his head back and forth in a way that resulted in a serious vertebrae fracture at the top of his spine where it connects to the skull. We learned that he was in need of emergency surgery and, because of the location of the fracture, a neurosurgeon would need to be called in to do the procedure. We also learned that the surgery was risky, given the location of the fracture and my dad's current health conditions. 

I sat with my parents before my dad was to be wheeled off to the operating room. My parents held hands and spoke quietly while I tried not to cry. When it was time to go, my dad gave me a big hug and said, "Make sure to take good care of your mom.". 

The surgical team said they would update us via text at each stage of the surgery so, for the next 4 hours, every text that came through held both anxiety and comfort, until the final one that said the surgery was complete and everything went great. ! 

The next few days had a lot of ups and downs with symptoms that could indicate something critical or something normal. Luckily, we landed on normal every time. 

The last month has continued this trend... It's been challenging and exhausting, with many unexpected wins, and my dad has remained strong and present every step of the way. 

It's been inspiring to see my dad focused on the future and on his hopes to getting back to the things that he loves. Even when he's not feeling well, his hope remains strong. 

Divine intervention

On the day we made the offer, my realtor and I thought I had my condo in the bag. I had great credit, a great job, a great down payment, friends in the building -- and, my offer was nicely above asking. When we found out someone had made an almost identical offer as mine, we were pretty surprised, but I decided to go for it with my full budget to make sure I would get the place. 

Later that day, my realtor called to tell me that the other party raised their offer by the exact same amount I did (WHAT?!), but they added a contingency...  The sellers hadn't made a decision to accept my offer, though, and she wasn't sure why (I had no contingencies). My realtor talked to the seller's realtor, and it sounded like they were very interested in the numbers, and that offering just a little more might secure the deal. !! 

I was frustrated. And at the top of my budget. And single, and it was late so I couldn't even call anyone to talk about it. I tried talking to my cat, which, of course, was like talking to a cat... I could just wait and hope that they picked me based on the contingency, but was that risky? Especially, when the place seemed perfect for me. 

I grabbed my laundry from down the hall from a machine that was often broken, and while I was putting things away and hating doing laundry down the hall, I heard some tapping in the kitchen. I thought my cat was doing something weird but, when I went to look, I found dirty water actively falling from the ceiling onto my kitchen counter... 

I lived on the third floor of a 3 story building built in the '70s. Part of my place was under the roof, and part of it was under the penthouse on the roof. At times when it would rain, the ceiling that was under the roof would leak, fall in, or would be in danger of falling in. In the later years, when a leak would begin, building management would preventively pull down a panel and work to manage the water flow with plastic, duct tape, a hose, and a bucket, which would kind of work, until it didn't. After the last leaky ceiling incident, I swore to myself that I would not be living in that place the next time the ceiling fell in! 

On this particular night, IT WASN'T EVEN RAINING, so I called my realtor and told her to add an extra 2k.  

The sellers accepted my offer mid morning on the following day and now I live in a wonderful little condo, and I am SO GRATEFUL that I live in a warm and safe place EVERY TIME IT RAINS... !!! 

...which is right now, and for the last two weeks, and predicted for the next week. 

🙏

2022

Have you ever been caught in the ocean where the waves just keep knocking you down over and over, and just when you think you can breathe again, another one comes. But, you're in the water, and it's fluid and unpredictable and glorious, and it's exactly where you chose to be...

Meet Epiphany

When I walked into the humane society, the first thing that caught my eye was a litter of 4 two month old kittens. They were little black/brown/gray striped tabbies all piled on each other like a heap of fur with multiple sets of ears. One of them had some light orange coloring around her face and throughout her fur. She was watching me as I said hello to her and some kittens in a different kennel. When I put my hand in to pet her, she leaned into it and just stared at me. She was so sweet and kept watching me, and it seemed like she was the one I needed to take with me. 

When I got her home, I kept asking her what she wanted to be called. I was thinking of something having to do with light because of the orange highlights in her coat, or maybe a goddess name, or something related to the fight direction work I do. Sunset? Persephone? Dagger? None of them really fit. I looked up unique names and sifted through them, then cat names to see if anything stood out. Then I looked up beautiful words. Epiphany. Hm, I asked her, "Would you like to be called Epiphany?". She started purring. Epiphany it is. 

epiphany

noun

epiph·​a·​ny i-ˈpi-fə-nē 

    3a

(1) : a usually sudden manifestation or perception of the essential nature or meaning of something

(2) : an intuitive grasp of reality through something (such as an event) usually simple and striking

(3) : an illuminating discovery, realization, or disclosure 

This is our first selfie together. Lol 

I also call her Pipsqueak or Squeakah because she meows like a squeak toy. :) 

Capture

Speeding across the San Mateo bridge, I glance to the right and the Bay opens up like a smooth slate of silver. The clouds are hovering low creating a narrow glowing landscape with cities silhouetted along the shoreline. The streetlights look like thin allen wrenches all lined up, like two sides of a rounded edged rectangle, and the towers for the power lines are majestic wire robots accompanying us across the bay. There's a person behind me, trying to get around, speeding, swerving - I notice that he's wearing an unusual hat which makes his urgency seem less urgent somehow. My teeth hurt a little, but antibiotics have changed to the pain into more of an itch. 

Resilience

re·sil·ience

/rəˈzilyəns/

noun

1. the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.

2. the ability of a substance or object to spring back into shape; elasticity.

I've been told that I am very resilient. 

...I guess that's what happens when you can't stop trying...

Mercy Blue Monkey Pants

I had to say goodbye to Mercy yesterday... 

Mercy had made it to the ripe old age of 17. She had lost her hearing and some teeth, and when I took her to the vet in May for a check up, they said her kidneys were a bit elevated. Otherwise, she seemed okay though, especially for her age (aside from her teeth). 

A few weeks later she started to vomit over and over. I thought it was time to put her down -- but, then she stopped. She started vomiting again a few days later, pretty consistently, but it was less vomit and less frequent, and somehow it seemed like she was okay -- she was still purring and cuddling, and she still had an appetite and energy... ? 

In the last couple of weeks, her appetite declined significantly, and some of her vomit was showing traces of blood. I was in denial about the blood until I woke up yesterday to a pool vomited blood... 

Mercy was a wild and fierce little fighter with a spark that made it easy to think she was okay, even though she was likely suffering for much longer than I was aware. 

I am already missing her crazy meow, the way she would demand pets, how she would purr and cuddle incessantly, her beautiful coat, her bright eyes, and her cute little black paws. She was a vibrant, tiny, demanding, loving little monkey pants who will not be forgotten. 

My sweetest Mercy Blue. 💙

2 weeks

Joliet, Traverse City/East Jordan, Chicago, Colorado Springs. 

The trip started out with 24hrs in Joliet to visit my aunt and uncle and grandparents! It was short and sweet, and so great to spend the time with them -- and, was a nice little stop on my way to Michigan. 

Michigan was a ladies retreat with my friend Mel (!) and a handful of women Mel is close to. We started in Traverse City, where Mel and her husband have a house, and then ventured out to East Jordan, where Mel and her husband have a lake house! The list includes: Boathouse Restaurant, wandering the peninsula, catamaran cruise, paddle boards, kayaks, the pontoon boat, yoga, stage combat fun, water colors, marshmallows, stars, and one epic rescue mission. :) 

After Michigan, I had a 13 hour layover in Chicago, where I got to see my friend Michael! I hung out with him and his partner for the day, and we met up with some of their friends at the Shore Club on the beach of Lake Michigan. It was beautiful and so much fun to be in the heat and in great company. 

Then, off to Colorado Springs for a week with my family! Lots of fun time with my niece and nephew, and some good quality time with my parents, my brother, and my sister-in-law. 💗 I also got to see a few friends this time around. The list includes: boating and tubing, North Pole and Joy's crazy backflip, swimming all day with the mermaids, naps, walks with Mom, Garden of the Gods club with Michelle, Indian food w/ Mark/Lani/Rex, hiking Seven Bridges with Todd and Joshua, Dad's birthday, bocci ball, brunch w/ Katie, breakfast with Todd, and a couple of nice dinners with the family all together. 

Filling your heart up by spending time with people that you love is always a good choice. 

Celebration

Ah, and these two in the front of this photo got married too! 

The groom recently admitted to me that, before he met his bride, he was serial dater. I asked him what changed. She required more of me, he said. When I told his bride that in a later conversation, she said, he does the same for me too. 

✨

#baybrosandsistas

Getaway

A couple within the group got married during lockdown and wanted to celebrate with a getaway! We rented a place in Camino, CA and hungout, played games, walked the dogs, used the hot tub, ate some great meals, went to Placerville, hit up an apple orchard, and went to a lovely little cafe on our way out of town. It was so nice to have the time to spend together. 

#baybrosandsistas

Grandma

This is my beautiful 94 year old grandma. 

My 3 year old niece just handed her the pony she's holding which is why she looks confused. You'll also notice that my grandpa is gently holding her hand. 

A simple moment can capture so much. 

Breathe Bitch

I had a panic attack last week. 

If you've ever had a panic attack💥⭐ you know that it makes you feel like you're having a heart attack and, it. is. awful. And, when you look up heart attack symptoms during a panic attack, you suddenly have all of them, which makes the symptoms worse and confirms that you're probably about to die. And, if you're a woman, and rational enough to think that maybe it IS a panic attack, reading about the differences in how a heart attack affects a woman vs a man brings you back the probability of a heart attack and thus, again, worsens the panic attack. Basically, it would be irresponsible to NOT consider the situation serious if your chest feels tight, your arms are going numb, you can't seem to catch your breath, you're nauseated, and you're pretty sure you're going to pass out -- because, it could actually be a heart attack.  

7 years ago I was also having panic attacks, but they were nothing like this one -- though, both times happened when it seemed like things were going well, after getting through some things that were hard. 

This time, the hard things were complex, break-your-heart-open-and-show-you-things-you-didn't-know-were-there kind of things, along with some very stressful victories (Google Lizzo concert pictured above). But, it's like, apparently, it all just piles up and then, when you have a moment to breathe, it all comes crashing in...  and, attack! 

...but, it's so important to breathe, and to be in the moment, and to allow for all the things to crash in when they need to, and to feel...all of it. 

It's so important to breathe...