Resilience

re·sil·ience

/rəˈzilyəns/

noun

1. the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.

2. the ability of a substance or object to spring back into shape; elasticity.

I've been told that I am very resilient. 

...I guess that's what happens when you can't stop trying...

Mercy Blue Monkey Pants

I had to say goodbye to Mercy yesterday... 

Mercy had made it to the ripe old age of 17. She had lost her hearing and some teeth, and when I took her to the vet in May for a check up, they said her kidneys were a bit elevated. Otherwise, she seemed okay though, especially for her age (aside from her teeth). 

A few weeks later she started to vomit over and over. I thought it was time to put her down -- but, then she stopped. She started vomiting again a few days later, pretty consistently, but it was less vomit and less frequent, and somehow it seemed like she was okay -- she was still purring and cuddling, and she still had an appetite and energy... ? 

In the last couple of weeks, her appetite declined significantly, and some of her vomit was showing traces of blood. I was in denial about the blood until I woke up yesterday to a pool vomited blood... 

Mercy was a wild and fierce little fighter with a spark that made it easy to think she was okay, even though she was likely suffering for much longer than I was aware. 

I am already missing her crazy meow, the way she would demand pets, how she would purr and cuddle incessantly, her beautiful coat, her bright eyes, and her cute little black paws. She was a vibrant, tiny, demanding, loving little monkey pants who will not be forgotten. 

My sweetest Mercy Blue. 💙

2 weeks

Joliet, Traverse City/East Jordan, Chicago, Colorado Springs. 

The trip started out with 24hrs in Joliet to visit my aunt and uncle and grandparents! It was short and sweet, and so great to spend the time with them -- and, was a nice little stop on my way to Michigan. 

Michigan was a ladies retreat with my friend Mel (!) and a handful of women Mel is close to. We started in Traverse City, where Mel and her husband have a house, and then ventured out to East Jordan, where Mel and her husband have a lake house! The list includes: Boathouse Restaurant, wandering the peninsula, catamaran cruise, paddle boards, kayaks, the pontoon boat, yoga, stage combat fun, water colors, marshmallows, stars, and one epic rescue mission. :) 

After Michigan, I had a 13 hour layover in Chicago, where I got to see my friend Michael! I hung out with him and his partner for the day, and we met up with some of their friends at the Shore Club on the beach of Lake Michigan. It was beautiful and so much fun to be in the heat and in great company. 

Then, off to Colorado Springs for a week with my family! Lots of fun time with my niece and nephew, and some good quality time with my parents, my brother, and my sister-in-law. 💗 I also got to see a few friends this time around. The list includes: boating and tubing, North Pole and Joy's crazy backflip, swimming all day with the mermaids, naps, walks with Mom, Garden of the Gods club with Michelle, Indian food w/ Mark/Lani/Rex, hiking Seven Bridges with Todd and Joshua, Dad's birthday, bocci ball, brunch w/ Katie, breakfast with Todd, and a couple of nice dinners with the family all together. 

Filling your heart up by spending time with people that you love is always a good choice. 

Celebration

Ah, and these two in the front of this photo got married too! 

The groom recently admitted to me that, before he met his bride, he was serial dater. I asked him what changed. She required more of me, he said. When I told his bride that in a later conversation, she said, he does the same for me too. 

✨

#baybrosandsistas

Getaway

A couple within the group got married during lockdown and wanted to celebrate with a getaway! We rented a place in Camino, CA and hungout, played games, walked the dogs, used the hot tub, ate some great meals, went to Placerville, hit up an apple orchard, and went to a lovely little cafe on our way out of town. It was so nice to have the time to spend together. 

#baybrosandsistas

Grandma

This is my beautiful 94 year old grandma. 

My 3 year old niece just handed her the pony she's holding which is why she looks confused. You'll also notice that my grandpa is gently holding her hand. 

A simple moment can capture so much. 

Breathe Bitch

I had a panic attack last week. 

If you've ever had a panic attack💥⭐ you know that it makes you feel like you're having a heart attack and, it. is. awful. And, when you look up heart attack symptoms during a panic attack, you suddenly have all of them, which makes the symptoms worse and confirms that you're probably about to die. And, if you're a woman, and rational enough to think that maybe it IS a panic attack, reading about the differences in how a heart attack affects a woman vs a man brings you back the probability of a heart attack and thus, again, worsens the panic attack. Basically, it would be irresponsible to NOT consider the situation serious if your chest feels tight, your arms are going numb, you can't seem to catch your breath, you're nauseated, and you're pretty sure you're going to pass out -- because, it could actually be a heart attack.  

7 years ago I was also having panic attacks, but they were nothing like this one -- though, both times happened when it seemed like things were going well, after getting through some things that were hard. 

This time, the hard things were complex, break-your-heart-open-and-show-you-things-you-didn't-know-were-there kind of things, along with some very stressful victories (Google Lizzo concert pictured above). But, it's like, apparently, it all just piles up and then, when you have a moment to breathe, it all comes crashing in...  and, attack! 

...but, it's so important to breathe, and to be in the moment, and to allow for all the things to crash in when they need to, and to feel...all of it. 

It's so important to breathe... 

Transition

There have been a couple of times when flowers seemed to mark an important transition in my life. Roses surrounded me when I moved to the Bay Area. And, orange flowers found me one magical night at the end of a week that seemed to define the beginning of my independence here. 

In the last year and a half I've been working with an energy healer as a part of my journey to...well, healing -- and, during our last session she mentioned something about roses. That I should bring them into my life in different ways. So, I went out and bought myself some roses. At the same time, an orchid I've been nursing for about a year started to re-bloom (!!). 

As the pandemic starts to wane (hopefully, for real this time!) and my life shifts around me, I can't help but hope for the next big positive transition marked by these gorgeous blooms. 

Not A Pretty Girl

"Our father who art in a penthouse

Sits in his 37th floor suite

And swivels to gaze down

At the city he made me in

He allows me to stand and

Solicit graffiti until

He needs the land I stand on

I'm my darkened threshold

Am pawing through my pockets

The receipts, the bus schedules

The urgent napkin poems

The matchbook phone numbers

All of which laundering has rendered pulpy

And strange, loose change and a key

Ask me

Go ahead, ask me

Go ahead, ahead ask me if I care

Go ahead, ask me if I care

I got the answer here

I wrote it down somewhere

I just gotta find it

Somebody and their spray paint got too close

Somebody came on too heavy

Now look at me made ugly

By the drooling letters

I was better off alone

Ain't that the way it is

They don't know the first thing

But you don't know that, how they take that

Until they take the first swing

My fingers are red and swollen from the cold

I'm getting bold in my old age

So go ahead, try the door

It doesn't matter anymore

I know the weak hearted are strong willed

And we are being kept alive

Until we're killed

He's up there

The ice is clinking in his glass

He sends me little pieces of paper

I don't ask

I just empty my pockets and wait

It's not fate

It's just circumstance

I don't fool myself with romance

I just live

Phone number to phone number

Dusting them against my thighs

In the warmth of my pockets

Which whisper history incessantly

Asking me

Where were you

I lower my eyes

Wishing I could cry more

And care less,

Yes it's true,

I was trying to love someone again

I was caught caring

Bearing weight

But I love this city, this state

This country is too large

And whoever's in charge up there

Had better take the elevator down

And put more than change in our cup

Or else we

Are coming

Up"

Ani DiFranco. "Coming Up" Not A Pretty Girl

There was a time in my life when I would listen to Ani DiFranco nonstop. 

It was a time full of dreams and love and sadness and photographs and artists and musicians -- and, of a future just waiting to be written. It was a time that led me here. Somehow. Here. This moment. When I get lost in the lyrics again. And, in the spoken word that finds me. 

It will be important for me to remember this moment. 

Dusk

My birthday this year was sweet. It included midnight wishes, breakfast out at a cafe, a very small gathering of friends on the rooftop deck with an unexpected band practice turned private concert just for us, dinner out, an arcade, and a day full of sweet wishes from all around. It was quite lovely. 

Then, I got covid. Being fully vaxed and boosted, it was a pretty easy ride aside from feeling trapped by the quarantine (I don't like being stuck at home), but my symptoms were mild and it was quick. I tested positive on a Tuesday, and negative on the following Tuesday, and limited my contact with people until the weekend to be sure I was in the clear. 

And then, just as I was back out in the world and ready to take on the year, my relationship ended -- again. 

*sigh*

2021

Well, hell. 2021 was a rough and important ride. I learned so much about myself, faced big challenges, took risks, made important decisions, had significant victories and growth, and fought all the way to the end. Transformation is hard... and, is apparently an ongoing life long process -- but, I've heard it gets easier as you go...? 

I also got in some fun and adventures, live art (finally!), great hikes, time with family and dear friends, and rekindled my relationship. 

And, I spoke to Trevor Noah, twice! It was for about 30 seconds or less each time and was to give him instructions for shows at work -- but, even in that small window of time, he was so lovely, grounded, and real, just like you'd expect. :) 

Life is a challenging, delightful, complex ride -- and, on to 2022 we go.... ! 

Surf camp!

In March, Yuki mentioned something about going to a surf camp with her husband Colin and asked if I would be interested in joining them. YES. A few weeks later we were registered for a week long surf and yoga retreat in Costa Rica over Thanksgiving week. Perfection.

Then this summer happened. Sigh. There's so much I haven't written, but the quick summary is that everything turned out okay. But, it's funny how life can take something lovely and filter it through a lens that completely changes it from lovely to a deeply felt blessing. 

This retreat was a great adventure wrapped in a deeply felt blessing. 

Here are the things: 

• Yuki and Colin - great friends to travel with
• Tiny plane ride from SJO to Tambor - beautiful (the second first time around) :) 
• Hotel Tropico Latino was right on Playa Santa Teresa - gorgeous 
• Sunsets 
• Howling monkeys in the mornings
• SURFING
• Learning so much 
• Great instructors and company all around
• Bioluminescence tour with the stop at the beautiful private island 
• Zip lining upside down! 
• Shopping in the tiny town
• So much food at every meal
• Little surprises throughout the week (shirts, coconuts, awards)
• Being in the warm ocean
• Battling the waves 
• A nice deck with a hammock to hang out on in the afternoons
• Kundalini yoga 
• Morning yoga 
• The best massage 
• Little local eateries 

I'm covered in bug bites and bruises, my body is exhausted, there's zinc in my fingernails, and when I close my eyes I can still feel the ocean moving all around me -- my toes digging into the sand, bracing for the next wave, looking for the moment to jump on the board and start paddling, catching a wave... 

I'm so grateful for my health, strength, means, and for the opportunity to go on this soul filling adventure. 🏄

Sunset

I stood at the edge of the water until the sun vanished from sight and all that was left was that metallic glimmer on the waves as the tide rolled in. Gorgeous. Like I had been drawn to the city for that moment and nothing else. 

Make a wish

I keep trying to write this post but I'm starting to realize that it's not something to post; it's something I need to feel my way through... but, in the spirit of documenting an important moment in my life, I'll leave this here.