Breathe Bitch

I had a panic attack last week. 

If you've ever had a panic attack💥⭐ you know that it makes you feel like you're having a heart attack and, it. is. awful. And, when you look up heart attack symptoms during a panic attack, you suddenly have all of them, which makes the symptoms worse and confirms that you're probably about to die. And, if you're a woman, and rational enough to think that maybe it IS a panic attack, reading about the differences in how a heart attack affects a woman vs a man brings you back the probability of a heart attack and thus, again, worsens the panic attack. Basically, it would be irresponsible to NOT consider the situation serious if your chest feels tight, your arms are going numb, you can't seem to catch your breath, you're nauseated, and you're pretty sure you're going to pass out -- because, it could actually be a heart attack.  

7 years ago I was also having panic attacks, but they were nothing like this one -- though, both times happened when it seemed like things were going well, after getting through some things that were hard. 

This time, the hard things were complex, break-your-heart-open-and-show-you-things-you-didn't-know-were-there kind of things, along with some very stressful victories (Google Lizzo concert pictured above). But, it's like, apparently, it all just piles up and then, when you have a moment to breathe, it all comes crashing in...  and, attack! 

...but, it's so important to breathe, and to be in the moment, and to allow for all the things to crash in when they need to, and to feel...all of it. 

It's so important to breathe... 

Transition

There have been a couple of times when flowers seemed to mark an important transition in my life. Roses surrounded me when I moved to the Bay Area. And, orange flowers found me one magical night at the end of a week that seemed to define the beginning of my independence here. 

In the last year and a half I've been working with an energy healer as a part of my journey to...well, healing -- and, during our last session she mentioned something about roses. That I should bring them into my life in different ways. So, I went out and bought myself some roses. At the same time, an orchid I've been nursing for about a year started to re-bloom (!!). 

As the pandemic starts to wane (hopefully, for real this time!) and my life shifts around me, I can't help but hope for the next big positive transition marked by these gorgeous blooms. 

Not A Pretty Girl

"Our father who art in a penthouse

Sits in his 37th floor suite

And swivels to gaze down

At the city he made me in

He allows me to stand and

Solicit graffiti until

He needs the land I stand on

I'm my darkened threshold

Am pawing through my pockets

The receipts, the bus schedules

The urgent napkin poems

The matchbook phone numbers

All of which laundering has rendered pulpy

And strange, loose change and a key

Ask me

Go ahead, ask me

Go ahead, ahead ask me if I care

Go ahead, ask me if I care

I got the answer here

I wrote it down somewhere

I just gotta find it

Somebody and their spray paint got too close

Somebody came on too heavy

Now look at me made ugly

By the drooling letters

I was better off alone

Ain't that the way it is

They don't know the first thing

But you don't know that, how they take that

Until they take the first swing

My fingers are red and swollen from the cold

I'm getting bold in my old age

So go ahead, try the door

It doesn't matter anymore

I know the weak hearted are strong willed

And we are being kept alive

Until we're killed

He's up there

The ice is clinking in his glass

He sends me little pieces of paper

I don't ask

I just empty my pockets and wait

It's not fate

It's just circumstance

I don't fool myself with romance

I just live

Phone number to phone number

Dusting them against my thighs

In the warmth of my pockets

Which whisper history incessantly

Asking me

Where were you

I lower my eyes

Wishing I could cry more

And care less,

Yes it's true,

I was trying to love someone again

I was caught caring

Bearing weight

But I love this city, this state

This country is too large

And whoever's in charge up there

Had better take the elevator down

And put more than change in our cup

Or else we

Are coming

Up"

Ani DiFranco. "Coming Up" Not A Pretty Girl

There was a time in my life when I would listen to Ani DiFranco nonstop. 

It was a time full of dreams and love and sadness and photographs and artists and musicians -- and, of a future just waiting to be written. It was a time that led me here. Somehow. Here. This moment. When I get lost in the lyrics again. And, in the spoken word that finds me. 

It will be important for me to remember this moment. 

Dusk

My birthday this year was sweet. It included midnight wishes, breakfast out at a cafe, a very small gathering of friends on the rooftop deck with an unexpected band practice turned private concert just for us, dinner out, an arcade, and a day full of sweet wishes from all around. It was quite lovely. 

Then, I got covid. Being fully vaxed and boosted, it was a pretty easy ride aside from feeling trapped by the quarantine (I don't like being stuck at home), but my symptoms were mild and it was quick. I tested positive on a Tuesday, and negative on the following Tuesday, and limited my contact with people until the weekend to be sure I was in the clear. 

And then, just as I was back out in the world and ready to take on the year, my relationship ended -- again. 

*sigh*

2021

Well, hell. 2021 was a rough and important ride. I learned so much about myself, faced big challenges, took risks, made important decisions, had significant victories and growth, and fought all the way to the end. Transformation is hard... and, is apparently an ongoing life long process -- but, I've heard it gets easier as you go...? 

I also got in some fun and adventures, live art (finally!), great hikes, time with family and dear friends, and rekindled my relationship. 

And, I spoke to Trevor Noah, twice! It was for about 30 seconds or less each time and was to give him instructions for shows at work -- but, even in that small window of time, he was so lovely, grounded, and real, just like you'd expect. :) 

Life is a challenging, delightful, complex ride -- and, on to 2022 we go.... ! 

Surf camp!

In March, Yuki mentioned something about going to a surf camp with her husband Colin and asked if I would be interested in joining them. YES. A few weeks later we were registered for a week long surf and yoga retreat in Costa Rica over Thanksgiving week. Perfection.

Then this summer happened. Sigh. There's so much I haven't written, but the quick summary is that everything turned out okay. But, it's funny how life can take something lovely and filter it through a lens that completely changes it from lovely to a deeply felt blessing. 

This retreat was a great adventure wrapped in a deeply felt blessing. 

Here are the things: 

• Yuki and Colin - great friends to travel with
• Tiny plane ride from SJO to Tambor - beautiful (the second first time around) :) 
• Hotel Tropico Latino was right on Playa Santa Teresa - gorgeous 
• Sunsets 
• Howling monkeys in the mornings
• SURFING
• Learning so much 
• Great instructors and company all around
• Bioluminescence tour with the stop at the beautiful private island 
• Zip lining upside down! 
• Shopping in the tiny town
• So much food at every meal
• Little surprises throughout the week (shirts, coconuts, awards)
• Being in the warm ocean
• Battling the waves 
• A nice deck with a hammock to hang out on in the afternoons
• Kundalini yoga 
• Morning yoga 
• The best massage 
• Little local eateries 

I'm covered in bug bites and bruises, my body is exhausted, there's zinc in my fingernails, and when I close my eyes I can still feel the ocean moving all around me -- my toes digging into the sand, bracing for the next wave, looking for the moment to jump on the board and start paddling, catching a wave... 

I'm so grateful for my health, strength, means, and for the opportunity to go on this soul filling adventure. 🏄

Sunset

I stood at the edge of the water until the sun vanished from sight and all that was left was that metallic glimmer on the waves as the tide rolled in. Gorgeous. Like I had been drawn to the city for that moment and nothing else. 

Make a wish

I keep trying to write this post but I'm starting to realize that it's not something to post; it's something I need to feel my way through... but, in the spirit of documenting an important moment in my life, I'll leave this here. 

Time

Hard news has a way of reshaping reality. 

In the past couple of months, I've been managing a close friend's serious illness, a parent's failing health, and an old friend's sudden passing... and, in the midst of the ongoing pandemic it all magnifies, making sure I take stock, and making unnecessary conflict or hardship so evident while still being strangely hard to personally manage. 

I was talking to someone the other day who was mad about what appeared to be a misunderstanding. She was actually hurt and scared it was just showing up as mad. I asked her if that's how she wanted to feel. She said, "that's how I've felt for many years...", and I stopped her and gently said, "that's not the question that I asked.". I followed with, "I think given recent circumstances it's clear that we don't know how much time we have; maybe it's worth it to tell him that you're hurt and scared." 

Have you seen the movie Raya and the Last Dragon? It points to our human tendency to blame and take and makes a somewhat clumsy case for us to trust and connect instead. Clumsy because the approach is sweet and naive and fails terribly a few times -- but, in the end, it's the only way forward. Almost like, no matter how callow it may seem, you have to just keep doing it until it works. And then it works. 

It was Mark Twain that said, “Dance like nobody's watching; love like you've never been hurt. Sing like nobody's listening; live like it's heaven on earth.”

Shows

It's been a very long time since I've documented the shows... but it's been a very long time since I've seen many shows. To be fair, the most recent ones have been more "outdoor experiences/exhibits". Also, apparently I saw a lot in the last half of 2019. 

May 20, 2019 - June 7th, 2021

Tempting Fate - Ross's show - a thoughtful, physically impressive feat

Faux Canada - Alejandro's band - they were great, and a fun night with Kelly 

GBS party - H.E.R. concert - AWESOME 

The Skirball w/ Pam in LA - great exhibits! 

The Marciano w/ Tony in LA - more great exhibits! 

The View Upstairs - great show, fights looked good

Port Stories - fun site specific work from my friends 

Rolling Blackouts Coastal Fever - great guitars :) 

Sons of Moody - Bao's band - great show! 

Circus Center instructors/Sean's show - delightful stories and incredible physical feats 

Once - absolutely magical 

Kiss My Aztec - I remember the colors... I think I really liked it? 

Jake Shimabukuro - always a great show

The Art Boutiki - can't remember the names of the bands, but it was a fun night

Rodrigo & Gabriela - AMAZING! 

Lord Huron & Shakey Graves - super fun show

Brian Mur4ami's one man show - delightful 

Magik magik - Maria's show at the Battery - awesome, so creative

Don't You Die On Me - fights turned out well

Generationals & Pure Bathing Culture - interesting sound, I liked it

Wicked - so freaking good every time 

Bon Iver & Sharon Van Etten - so great, loved the technology

Mumford & Sons - pyrotechnics!! 

Pop Up Magazine - Maria's show - better produced than that last one, but less diverse

Top Girls - I can't remember if I liked this show 

Thought Leaders / Facet - noise rock concert with my favorite noise rockers 

Oh Sees - moshy fun

Moulin Rouge - beautiful, fun

Hadestown - I found it a bit uncomfortable at first, but it got there and I loved it 

UCB - hilarious 

Stacy's birthday - mag.i.cal !!

Legally Blond - Casey's show - so very wonderful 

Art Battle Champions - trash panda! 

Thom Yorke (of Radiohead) - lots of jumping around :) 

Paco de Lucia - YES 

Hamilton - officially on the fanwagon because this cast knocked it out of the park !

Sara Bareilles - beautiful 

Testmatch - thought provoking 

Elevada - charming 

Cirque: Amaluna - always a treat 

Sofar Sounds - good music, poor experience 

SFIHHDF - still the best show in town :) 

Tales of Despereaux - lovely 

Bourbon Therapy - Maria's band she doesn't like - hilarious 

California Honeydrops - energized 

KML: Snowed In - Casey's show - brilliant 

JD McPherson - charisma! 

Nosaj Thing - awesome 

Catalina Ferry Cruise Party - NYE silly fun

The Broad - infinity, finally 

Head Over Heels - great show, fights were okay... 

Bobcat Goldthwait - can't remember... 

Ty Segall Trio - alright 

Napa Lighted Art Festival - wonderfully fun night 

Elbow - can't remember 

SF Ballet: Cinderella - beautiful ! 

Upright Citizens Brigade - fun! 

Matt's band - always great energy! 

Circus 2020 show: Gisele - vday, dark, aerial 

The End of You - gray space exhibit, interesting 

The Last Ship - well performed, Sting, last show I saw before the shutdown.... 

Collabor8 - my show/online - so happy to accomplish this with talented friends during the pandemic 

Entwined - outdoor light exhibit in GGP, beautiful 

VanGogh exhibit - soul filling 

The Last Five Years online - impressively performed and executed

Tuneyards online - so creative

John Doe outdoor concert - refreshing 

Bruce Munro: Light at Sensorio (the photo above!) - SPECTACULAR! 

Fool to Force... er Fourth.

I bought a condo! I now live in the Golden Gate District of Oakland (or North Oakland, right on the border of Emeryville and Berkeley). I'm not sure why it's called the Golden Gate District, but I can kind of barely see the Golden Gate Bridge from my bedroom window when it's really clear and I know what I'm looking for. :) You can see the GGB clearly from the rooftop deck, however. 

Yeah, I have a rooftop deck ! 

It's weird being back in a more urban part of Oakland after having lived in the hilly oasis of Piedmont Ave for so long. I'm actually back in the first zipcode I lived in Oakland where the criminal ran through my house, but much more north where things have gentrified quite a bit, for better or for worse. 

Offer accepted on April Fool's Day. Closed on May the 4th... :) 

This is a photo of the overcast view from my new home office window, with a view of the Bay Bridge. 

Here

After 11 years in this apartment, and 20 years in this neighborhood, I'm moving. 

I'm not moving far, just across town into a newer building -- but, I'm struggling to leave "here". 

The first time I visited Piedmont Avenue I knew it was exactly where I wanted to be. It seemed impossible to move into the perfectly charming neighborhood when I could barely afford to live in the ghetto.... but then, the dot-com boom crashed, and it was suddenly possible. My friend, Matt, and I moved into a sweet little two bedroom apartment near the ave with a view of palm trees and the tip of the Bay Bridge, and I remember standing with him on our little balcony and feeling like I had finally found the California I was looking for. 

I lived in that apartment for 7.5 years. Matt moved out to live with his girlfriend around year 5, and Josh (my boyfriend at the time) moved in during year 6. Eventually, Josh wanted us to move into a new space together, so we left my little apartment for a bigger place in the neighborhood -- and, soon after that, we broke up...  

Fortunately for me we were in a recession at the time, so I managed to find a one bedroom apartment I could afford on my own, still in the neighborhood -- and, that's how I ended up here. 

"Here" is an old building, with a ceiling that leaks (and, that has literally fallen in), with mold, and an old stove with a burner that I have to hit every time I want to make an omelette... the washer and dryer for the floor is constantly broken, the elevator is never up to code, and the hallways are dirty and are sometimes only partially lit. Here is where the people in the penthouse have maybe filmed porn and have definitely released dogs to run around on the roof, and where the music pleasantly trickles down now that we're in a jazz ensemble phase. Here is where I covered a wall with playbills, mended my most devastating broken hearts, got a job at Google, started facing my fears, created an underground show and started working as a producer...  I met and befriended my sweet neighbors, fell in love with the treelined streets, spent many weekends walking to Piedmont Ave/the Rose Garden/the lake, and many afternoons watching the squirrels run along the power lines or jump from the rooftop into the tree outside my balcony... Here is a place that I have loved entirely... This building, with all of its flaws and silly antics. This neighborhood that I soaked up completely, in every way that I thought I could... 

Sometimes you don't know how in love you are until it's time to move on. 

Farewell, El Dorado... 💛

Circles

It's strange to have lived in a pandemic for over a year. We've moved into circles measured 6ft apart and masks have become a part of our wardrobes. 

The Ninja Hat project

 

Once upon a time...  

Click here for The Ninja Hat.