No guarantees

...but, what if the life you've imagined is nothing like the life you've been conditioned to believe you're supposed to have? 

I had a thought the other day that maybe we are all given a finite amount of time here and that, no matter what we do, we will die at a predetermined moment.  

So, if we sit around and only make smart decisions, eat healthy, exercise, have goals... or, if we go on irresponsible adventures, do drugs, challenge limits, and only eat donuts... we will die at one exact moment.  

I mean, could that be why overweight smokers can live well into their 80s and die in a plane crash, while a 30 year old health nut dies suddenly of a heart attack?  Or, why people survive a suicide jump or an overdose?  Is it why people are shot in the crossfire or fall asleep at the wheel?  Is it why people survive cancer?  Or why people don't... 

And, if it were true, would it change anything for you? 

It definitely gives some weight to living the life you've imagined, right?  That doesn't necessarily mean you should live an irresponsible life because (as you likely know) that doesn't always serve you well, or even feel good, and you want to enjoy your life while you're here -- but, it does make things like cliff jumping and eating donuts seem like things you should definitely do.  

:) 

City of stars...

(I'm obsessed with La La Land... )

I read an article recently that said that people who are chronically late tend to be incredibly optimistic -- basically, because they think they can defy time and space with their magic to get to places on time.

That seems about right to me.  :)

I, personally, also seem to think I can defy age and circumstances with my magic.  ...and, I do.  To an extent.  ...which has a tendency to land me in the middle of some really great adventures -- aaaand some pretty epic heartbreak...

In the last month, I've had some great adventures.

Luzia
Stacey's visit
Chinese New Year Parade
Dancing at Barbarossa
Todd's birthday party
The Michaels' Oscar party
The middle of the mosh pit
St. Helena

I've had outstanding time with wonderful friends, special time with my family, exercised excessively, flirted with possibility, felt the profound pain of loss, said yes to the celebrations, and took some time to get away.

Defy, and find the magic. 

Because... Love

Alice and I had been talking about her wedding since her engagement last Spring (a lot of the wedding planning coincided with our trip planning for NZ/Australia).  As a result, I was privy to many realtime decisions and updates about the wedding, which made it so fun to see it all come together in such a brilliant and beautiful day!  Every detail was well thought out, Alice was gorgeous, the food and venue were perfect, and the party was a blast!!  

What an amazing day and celebration! 

A couple of weeks before the wedding, Alice had eight of us meet her in Scottsdale for her bachelorette party -- a weekend of great food, golf cart rides, giggles, a burlesque class, drinks, shopping, dancing, late night tacos, and random encounters with very buff men...  ?  Haha.  Who knew, Scottsdale...?  ;)  My birthday started in the middle of our last night there, and I couldn't have asked for a better way to start the day.  :)  

Big congrats to the lovely couple!! 💕

A Banksy

[A photograph I took of "a Banksy" from the exhibit in Melbourne - (Were we allowed to take photos?  Was he watching me?  Will I be a part of the next exhibit??  Damn.)]

The Someone I haven't said much about... filled my life with music and dreams and hope and... seemed to be exactly what I had asked for, somehow.  Well, almost.  Er...maybe... yet to be determined... but, that's so hopeful to write, isn't it?  And, haven't I learned, yet, that hope can be so frivolous.  But, to give up hope.... 

Elevate

Writing by candlelight, watching the rain, and drinking a wine called Stars Like Ours -- which seems perfect for the moment.

I saw two films in the last two days: 

• Hidden Figures - a film about the untold stories of amazing black women who changed the trajectory of the space program in the 60s, while breaking down racial boundaries, and never giving up.  

• La La Land - a visceral, inescapable modern day musical that left me speechless and with an actual pain in my heart.  Like, a good pain.  Like, an important pain.  (The film could've used a better sound mixer -- though, in the end, it really didn't matter.)

Surprisingly wholesome and inspiring films.  

2016

This moment was magical.  I drove to the Embarcadero and found perfect parking, walked straight into Super Bowl City, the OneRepublic concert was fantastic, George and his friends were great company, Hispanic men called me "bonita" all night after I told them I didn't understand Spanish :P, the energy of the crowd was amazing, we danced in the street, and the fireworks were beautiful.  

It was a great start to the year. 

And then... 

Aatman broke up with me, my boss and I started having challenges (ruining my dream job), I distanced myself from family and good friends because I wasn't sure how to move forward, my car was smashed into, I cried at work and at parties and for entire days, I started to feel old, a significant amount of generation defining celebrities passed away, Trump was elected president, a bunch of people were burned to death in an Oakland artist warehouse -- not to mention Syria, Standing Rock, Black Lives Matter... 

But also... 

I went to Croatia, Aatman and I managed to have a really nice farewell before he moved to Utah, I started working out and feeling strong, met someone who took me to see some amazing music, got a new car, went to Disneyland, learned to be a better me, patched things up with my boss, made new friends, laughed as much as I could, found great support in random people, reconnected with family and good friends when I was ready to move forward, went to New Zealand and Australia, found light again and again and again, was pleasantly surprised a few times, got to meet my new nephew, and just didn't give up. 

What I learned:

Glowworms are basically glowing maggots that hang long strings of mucus from themselves to catch bugs so they can eat them -- but, when you're in the glowworm caves, it's like you're silently floating through a dense constellation of gorgeous, endless, tiny blue stars.  

The shows

Digable Planets - awesome, nostalgic

Band of Horses - great show

Soulection - great music, fun day, run to blue bottle

Hiero Day - hot, hood, fun

Jake Shimabukuro - delightful and impressive as always

Damon Wayans Jr. - action comedy 

Flying Lotus - inspiring, innovative, chasing the moon

RACE: Stories from the Tenderloin - raw, emotional, community

Caught - cerebral and ambitious

Shakespeare or Space Wars - brilliant, so fun

World of Dance - super human

Echo and the Bunnyman - Mel's night

Golden State Record (Pop-Up Magazine) - smart, impactful, could use a stronger live event producer (like me? :) )

Hedwig (Lena Hall) - flawless

Oakland Music Festival (Eli's) - finding our way...

Romeo and Juliet (We Players) - beautiful setting, escape

Treasure Island Music Festival - rain, friends, fast clouds, girl bonding

Grave Digger the Musical - fight direction, silly, great singing

Danny Green - friends, special venue, great music

Billy Bragg and Joe Henry - legends

Sango - great mix

Rave to the Grave - dancing, fun night 

Nosferatu at Grace Cathedral w/ live organ - perfect surprise

Hedwig (Darren Criss) - I preferred Lena ;)

It Couldn't Happen Here - predictive... 

Dam Funk - great energy

The Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee - playful, well performed

Hiromi - incredible musicians

Our Enemies: Lively Scenes of Love and Combat - great acting, thoughtful work

SFHHDF Programs A and B - best show

Othello (Sydney Opera House) - best Shakespeare ever

Gary Gulman - silly comedy

The Mass - reunion, metal 

A Christmas Carol - absolutely Christmas  

NZ / Australia

I was sitting at a party about 6 months ago, and Alice walked up and said, "Who wants to go to Australia?"

ME. :) 

We tacked on a 3 day layover in New Zealand about a month later, and it was so worth it!  

New Zealand was a wonderland... the glow worm caves, kiwi birds, the luge, the delightful breakfasts...  3 days, of course, was not enough time.  We only got to see a fraction of the North island, and it was amazing.  

And, then, I fell in love with Sydney the moment I stepped off of the train.  I was already falling when we got to the hotel, but the relationship solidified when I saw the Harbor Bridge and the Sydney Opera House around the bay.  The other places we visited in Australia were also full of magic.  :) 

Here's my recap: 

New Zealand:

Lovely breakfasts

Driving on the left side of the road (! That was challenging)

Mount Eden - the crater lookout point

The oysters and our delightfully charming waiter

Sky Tower

Glow worm caves

Kiwi House and Native Bird Park

Rotorua 

Korean BBQ night 

Hot springs pools 

Fog Dog Cafe and Bar

Wai-O-Tapu Scenic Wonderland

The Luge

Hobbiton's last tour of the day (we barely made it!)

Australia: 

Sydney

Harbor Bridge Climb

Sky Tower

Blue Mountains Tour

Featherdale Wildlife Park

Holding a baby wallaby

The koalas

Sydney Opera House

Ben Harper concert right outside of the Opera House (we didn't attend, but we could see/hear it while we were there)

Othello at the Opera House (fantastic!)

The Jacarandas

Melbourne

The walk through the city 

Federation Square

The river 

Shrine of Remembrance

The Botanical Gardens

Banksy exhibit

Night Noodle Market

The Great Ocean Road

The bird on my head! 

More koalas

Helicopter ride

Twelve apostles 

Jetstar

Cairns

The palm trees

Souvenir shopping

Fish and chips

the Great Barrier Reef.. ! 

The bats

Kuranda Koala Gardens 

Shine through

October was intense and full and wonderful... we had sunshine and rain, I went to a bunch of shows and beautiful places, and life felt good in a way that it hadn't for really long time. 

I'm so grateful that hearts heal and seasons change.  

It's good to remember to have faith in the process, relinquish control, delight in surprises, and to indulge in the sound of a birdsong every once in awhile.  ;) 

Mixed Asian

About a year and a half ago, I learned that I was an ethnically mixed Asian.  Sounds cool, right?  And, it is, for the most part...until you start to understand how racist Asians can be against other Asians...  

I was walking around Infocomm (an Audio/Visual trade show in Vegas) and an Asian man and woman at one of the booths came up to me and addressed me in Mandarin.  I've learned the hard way (in China) to not respond to this with the Mandarin that I know, because I happen to be in the perfect disguise to lead people to believe that I'll be able to fluently continue the conversation.  Instead I responded with, "I don't speak Mandarin."  The man quickly asked, "Are you Chinese?".  I replied, "Actually, I'm mostly Korean and Japanese, and a little bit of Chinese.".  The woman changed her expression to a look of pity and, after a brief pause, the man said to me, reassuringly, "Don't worry, you're very pretty." -- and handed me a pen from the company they were representing.  

Thanks.  ? 

I wasn't worried.  I acknowledged my mixed ethnicity proudly because I grew up in America where, although it has been brought to my attention that a lack of ethnic purity is looked down upon in Asia, I always thought it made you a cool kid here.  Growing up, I was sort of envious of mixed kids.

My encounter in Vegas made me realize, though, that I have an opportunity to make a small dent in the stigma around mixed ethnicity in Asian culture if I continue to talk about it proudly.  

I keep the pen in my purse as a reminder. 

Joy

I read Marie Kondo's: The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying, a book meant to de-clutter your home and your life by clearing out the things you own that don't bring you joy, or that keep you in the past.  You're supposed to touch everything you own and think, does this bring me joy? and, if it doesn't, toss it.  Seems easy, right?  ...until you get to the things that bring you joy but that also keep you in the past.  She says, 'getting rid of things from the past will help you to move forward into the future that you want' -- but, what about the joy part? 

Anyway, I decided to clear out a bunch of things I had gotten from ex-boyfriends so I could, you know, move forward.  So, I threw away pictures, shredded old love letters, and donated gifts -- which included the painting shown above.  I took the painting, along with some other posters/cds/books, and put them in the lobby of my apartment with a postit that read, FREE.  All of it was gone within hours.  

I started to search for a new piece of art to fill the empty space on my wall, but nothing seemed quite right.  I put another painting there, but it made me feel anxious.  I searched for something new online, but it all felt forced and wasn't the pretty dancing girl I started to wish was still there.  Even though the painting was given to me in a past relationship, I really liked it.  It was pretty, and also represented so much more than that relationship to me.  It represented a time in my life when I was inspired and dedicated to moving myself forward.  I would sit with the guy who gave it to me and dream up what I wanted to do with my life next.  He really understood what I was going through, and did his best to connect me with some people who could move me in the right direction.  Through those connections, I found hope, and life, and passion, and drive, and eventually found my show, and then my magical job... 

The other day, I found myself looking at the wall wishing I had kept that painting. 

A day later, I was driving up to my apartment and I noticed that someone had left a painting outside by a tree.  It was my painting!  Apparently, whoever took it decided they no longer wanted it, so I parked my car, grabbed it from the tree, and put it back on my wall.  

:) 

Mt. Cutler Trail

I think the first time I hiked Mt. Cutler Trail was with my brother's best friend, Tony, when we were in high school.  It was likely during a time when Tony would show up at our house every weekend to hangout with my brother and, if I was still asleep when he arrived, would wander into my room with my cat in his arms to tell me it was time to wake up!  He woke me up a lot in those days.  I tended to sleep in as long as I could get away with, which sometimes had me in bed into the early afternoon.  

Mt. Cutler quickly became my favorite trail to hike.  It was short, challenging, close by, always accessible, and had a great lookout over Seven Falls...  Sometimes we'd hike it in the middle of the night to see the falls lit up and for a great view of the city. 

I was home for a few days for my sister-in-law's baby shower, and was able to hike the trail.  It had been a long time because I usually visit during the winter when it's a bit too cold, and possibly icy and snowy.  This time, the weather was perfect.  

I missed it so much.  The dusty trail, the lookout points, the rocks, the steep cliffs, the trees, the smell, the views.... 

The Shows

The Last Five Years - surprisingly enlightening

Andrew Bird - lovely

Mommy Queerest - quite an experience !  

Hatch - incredible images and moments

Chester Bailey - disturbing and brilliant

Oscar de la Renta - beautiful

Ka - SO FUN
Louis Katz - great night of comedy
King Lear - fights looked good! 

Broadway Under The Stars - crazy day, crazy and amazing show

DJ Harvey - great music, best night

Carmen at the ballpark - fun time, wonderful friends

Sting and Peter Gabriel - incredible performances and production
Redwood Ramblers - sweet gathering and farewell

Do Be - strange, beautiful, inventive

Gregory Alan Isakov & Magik Orchestra - deeply felt

Lindsey Stirling - pure energy, innovative

Janeane Garofalo - smart, hilarious tangents
Keiko Matsui - complex and inspiring

Always...

I feel like I've gone through a lot in the last 6 months.  A major break up.  A trip to Croatia.  I've had visitors, seen a variety of shows, spent time with friends, met someone new...  Got into a car accident. 

And, I got to go to Disneyland with Phuong and Huy!  

Huy works with a non-profit for Vietnamese students and asked if he could introduce me to one of them to talk about career aspirations.  He kept saying, "When I talk to her I think of you, and she wants to do what you do.".  I agreed to talk to her, and that's how I got to meet the lovely Kavi...who doesn't actually want to do what I do.  :)  But, we had such a great connection, and the kind of inspiring conversation that just fills you right up.  

Kavi was headed to L.A. a couple weeks ago for a short film program, so Phuong and Huy invited me to join them for a trip to see her and to go to Disneyland!  It was SO. MUCH. FUN... !!  And, I got to see Ashley!!!! 

I also got some time to really think through things and I realized, in a very deep way, the lessons that seem to be bombarding me right now -- how very important it is to be grateful and kind no matter what the circumstances.  It's always worth it.