Anxious

I have so much on my mind that I can't get through my book... 

Where should I begin? 

I seem to be on the verge of getting a job.  Of course, I've thought that since the moment I got my first interview but, this time, references are being called so it's much more likely to really happen.  I feel like I can't wait, but I'm also very nervous about it. 

And, my Grandma called me the other day to check on my job search.  I called back and there was no answer and she hasn't called back.  It's not a big deal, but I've been thinking about my grandparents a lot lately...  I got to spend some very special time with them over their anniversary weekend and I miss them.
 
Then, yesterday, the guy at the bagel shop, who I've been getting bagels from for like...11 years? told me that both his parents just died so he's moving to LA.  His brother (whom we thought was his dad or maybe an uncle) might not be able to keep running the shop by himself, so he might close it down... :(

I'm sitting at Starbucks trying to read a book, and I can't get through a page without my mind flooding with so many things...  Meanwhile, I've been watching a guy with a clipboard alternate between being ignored or completely confronted by the people on the street, while a very loud, deep voiced business woman talks on the phone next to me. 

It's 80 degrees on a Friday in Oakland and I'm feeling consumed by everything around me. 

Creative self portrait 1

I was thinking my next post would be, "Hey, I have a job!", but no such luck...

But, Aatman is home -- YAY!!!

I haven't had a chance to spend too much time with him yet, but we're hoping to remedy that very soon.

I'm actually not sure what else to say.  I've been very fortunate to find some free/cheap things to do in the last couple weeks, and have seen friends here and there, but my days have been pretty lonely.  I'm only pursuing the companies I'm really interested in at this point, which has drastically slowed down my interview schedule.

I've been reading a lot, taking walks to get coffee, watching squirrels jump through the trees and scurry along telephone lines, and just continuing to listen to the sounds of my neighborhood...  

Broken record

It's always darkest before the dawn... but, how dark does it actually have to get?  

I'm winding down on conversations and feeling a bit frustrated.  I keep getting these really nice rejection letters making it sound like I was their second choice... Not just "We enjoyed meeting you, but decided to move forward with someone else, good luck...", but, this:  

"After a long deliberation we have decided to move forward with another candidate at this time. I think you are a great candidate and could be a perfect fit for another position in the future. I strongly urge you to reapply and I will keep your resume around for more openings as I think you could be a great addition to the team."  :P  

One of these lovely notes said that, even though the team decided to go with someone else, their feedback on me was very positive, so the company would like me to interview with a another one of their teams.  

I suppose, as far as rejections go, these are the ones I want to have... ?  Yes, these are the ones I want to have.... 

Staying hopeful, moving forward, and going to give it my all in round 2.  Keep sending love, though, cause I definitely need it.  

Plenty of fish...

I'm driving home one night, and I notice that my email says my Match.com registration has been approved... ?  And then, my profile edits have been received and my profile has been approved.  ...but, I'm driving and I never signed up for Match.  ?  I get home and immediately request my login information, which is easy to get since my email address was used.  I open my account to discover that I'm a 46 year old woman from Arizona...  I have no picture, and my description says something like, "I'm just on here because I thought I might as well give it a shot.  I like to eat ice cream and watch movies... " etc.  This is obviously a mistake.  ...and, strangely, a mistake that has a password similar to the ones I use... ?  I have the power, so I cancel the account.  Done.

I chat Aatman to tell him what happened and, as we're chatting, I get a confirmation from POF (Plenty of Fish) that my account has been set up.  This time, my user name is Ihaveaboyfranalready... UGH!  I have been hacked!!  I start to change passwords, check privacy settings, freak out...!

I am, again, able to get into POF because my email address was used, so I get the link to set up a new password and try to figure out how to delete the account.  The cancellation page informs me that I have to wait 24 hours before I can cancel.  GRRRR!  In the meantime, even though my user name is Ihaveaboyfranalready, I start getting messages.... :P

....there's a moment, when it dawns on me, that maybe someone who disapproves of my relationship is doing this to terrorize me....

....and then, it dawns on me, that maybe Aatman has done this to be funny.  I ask him, and he says something about Clark Kent and Superman and, after some confusing back and forth, admits that he set up POF for me as a joke.  He asks if I've read the profile.  Of course, I haven't because I've been busy thinking I've been HACKED!!!

!!!!!

Aatman assures me that he didn't set up the Match profile, and starts apologizing profusely for making me feel hacked and terrorized.  He thought I'd get it right away because he made my POF password "gooniessux"... which is a joke between us because Aatman hates Goonies and I think it's one of the best movies of all time.  :P  ...but, since POF sends the link to set up a new password, rather than sending the password created, I never got the obvious giveaway.  BAH!

The whole thing is incredibly annoying to me-- until the next day when I start reading my POF profile.  Aatman filled the profile with cute references to our relationship, including a description of our first date as my "ideal first date".  There were a number of sweet statements about how great we are together.

...he manages to win me over every time... :)

*heart*

Red

Welcome to unemployment week 4.  It's been a crazy journey.  I've started a newsletter for friends and family who check in frequently because I can't remember who I've told what, and forgetting to tell Aatman something while repeating it over and over to my mom is just frustrating for everyone.

If you're reading this and would like to be added to the newsletter... let me know.

I keep thinking I'm close to the end, and then a curve ball is thrown at me and I feel back at the beginning again.  I get excited about a place, and then it's just not the right fit.

I have no idea how long this will go or how it will end, which makes me nervous because I'm not sure how much longer I can do it... but, I know I just have to keep going until something lands.

*sigh*

At what point do I take a job to have a job... ? 

Bottle #20

I just went up and down these stairs for 20 minutes.  After about 10 minutes, the flawed stair became my favorite.  Around the same time, a homeless man in the garden started making bird calls with his hands.  On my last flight, the homeless man gave me a subtle smile and peace sign. 

:)

Decisions

One thing I learned doing sales is it's all about the numbers -- if you make the calls, you'll make the numbers.  I made the calls...  

It's weird going from anxiety dreams about not having anything, to anxiety dreams about making the right decisions.  ...and, how making the wrong decisions might mean going back to the first stage of anxiety dreams. 

My hood

I love my neighborhood.  I've been experiencing it in a very different way over the past couple of weeks and this picture seems to "represent"...  :)

~

I've had 12 formal interview appointments since my last day of work.  In some cases I've had multiple interviews during these appointments and in some cases it was a 2nd or 3rd conversation but, needless to say, it's been a lot.   ...and, this is not to mention interspersed random recruiter calls, networking meetings, and multiple conversations with an old friend who wants to be my new financial advisor...  AND, frequent check-ins with my brother, boyfriend, mom, and one of my best friends.  It's all been good, but it's been crazy.  I'm very ready for the search to be over, but I feel like I still might be a couple weeks out... maybe more?  (God, please don't let it be much more...)

In the meantime, I have started trying to have fun on a budget.  I luckily happen to know people who find things, or get me into things that I love, for free.

One of those things was Black Watch, a relatively expensive show that came to the Bay Area that I had to see...but wasn't sure I could justify paying for while on unemployment.  Fortunately, I happen be on the list of a quite lovely PR friend of a friend who was able to get me comp tickets to the show...!!!  ...and it was perfection!!  It was also just an incredible treat in the middle of a frustrating time.  :)

I've also had the chance to check out some free live music, a cheap indie film night where I got to see a film I worked on, a party in the city, a night at the bar without drinks (though, I do that all the time), and the Greek Festival.  I did splurge and go see The Great Gatsby in 3D for the beginning of a friend's birthday night last night...but, I feel like I've been doing pretty good with my budget.  I still spend a lot of time at home these days, but it's not been so bad, especially because I've been exhausted.  

You are not your job....

I'm watching fight club....which always makes me weirdly proud of my simple lifestyle and the fact that I've never invested in things like curtains.  ?  It also makes me re-fall in love w/ stage combat and, at the moment, feel better about not having a job.  ... not that it changes my desire for one, but it makes me just feel less stressed out I guess.  Which is nice.  

I am Jill's exhausted motivation.

I had two interviews today, both of which were very strange.... I had hoped to end the day with an offer, an acceptance, a job, and a plane ticket to surprise Aatman on a study break, but instead I'm feeling very unsure and like the race has maybe just begun.  Dammit.  

~

Jessica treated me to a punk rock show over the weekend and we happened to run into some old Mass friends while we were there.  It's weird to realize we've all grown up.  Was it really 10 years ago when we were in the thick of The Mass?  When I could screw up every local punk/metal/noise band's name as a vaguely recognizable rendition of the actual name because that was my life... ? 

First Friday

I feel like I've been unemployed for forever, but it's been like 3 days.... (and, only two of those were business days.)

I've had two great interviews and I'm being called back for both.  I have an additional call back from an interview I did a week ago, a new interview booked, and a new interview pending.  I feel....good?  I'm still nervous but, so far, I'm getting call backs for all of my interviews, so I think that's good.

(I just discovered that I'm writing about interviews in audition terms, which is weird -- especially because I find interviews to be a piece of cake compared to auditions... Oh, wait, I also mix up "half time" and "intermission", and "practice" and "rehearsal", so I guess it's not that weird.)

Last night I went out and had fun for the sake of having fun for the first time in about a month.  The purpose wasn't friend encouragement or support, networking, or soccer, it was just fun.  And free fun!  I dusted off my bike, pumped up the tires, and rode down to First Friday to meet Vasilia.  We wandered through the maddening, fascinating crowds of Bay Area'ns into galleries and warehouses packed with sculptures, paintings, handmade jewelry and clothes, food, DJs...and all of the little, big, weird wonderful things that make the Bay Area so freaking special.

:)

I needed that.  

Freedom?

It's weird to have a sense of total freedom and total urgency simultaneously -- especially when the weather outside is exceptional. 

It's my first day of unemployment. 

I woke up, made sure to connect with a few people, had a great interview, and went for a walk to get a bagel and coffee...now I'm laying in my papasan next to an open screen door just listening to my neighborhood.  I kind of want to drag the papasan out onto the balcony, but I'm afraid I'll fall asleep and wake up with spiders all over me... 

These two...

My family gathered in Illinois to celebrate my grandparent's 65th wedding anniversary last weekend.  We drove them up to Chicago, took them on a carriage ride through downtown, and to a fancy dinner at The Signature Room at the top of the John Hancock Tower.  It was an incredible celebration for a couple that knows what it's like to really love someone for a lifetime.  

I admire my grandparents so much...

The next adventure

I wake up with an achy jaw from anxiety dreams and wonder what's next, as my pulse races and the stress tightens in little balls along my neck...  I realize that my privileged life has led me to believe that I am in a crisis situation right now.  But, I still have a roof over my head, money coming in, a great resume, great references...and could probably find a job tomorrow if my only objective was just to survive.

We live in a time when we're supposed to follow our dreams, move forward, find work that we love.... and, in this time, we're not allowed to settle for anything less than our dreams will allow.  ....but, what if my dream job just offered me half of my present salary?  And, a not so dreamy job would afford me the lifestyle that I prefer and enjoy?  What then...?  Especially when there are no guarantees.... 

In the meantime, it never ceases to amaze me how generous people can be. 

Ay me! sad hours seem long.

It's been two weeks since I was laid off and I haven't gotten nearly enough done.  Time feels simultaneously fast and slow (but more slow) and I feel like I'm very aware of the moments as they tick by....

I miss my boyfriend, my stability, spending money freely.... ending sentences without ellipses....

....but, I know I just need to get my butt out there and make it happen....

Scrubs: