Shine through

October was intense and full and wonderful... we had sunshine and rain, I went to a bunch of shows and beautiful places, and life felt good in a way that it hadn't for really long time. 

I'm so grateful that hearts heal and seasons change.  

It's good to remember to have faith in the process, relinquish control, delight in surprises, and to indulge in the sound of a birdsong every once in awhile.  ;) 

Mixed Asian

About a year and a half ago, I learned that I was an ethnically mixed Asian.  Sounds cool, right?  And, it is, for the most part...until you start to understand how racist Asians can be against other Asians...  

I was walking around Infocomm (an Audio/Visual trade show in Vegas) and an Asian man and woman at one of the booths came up to me and addressed me in Mandarin.  I've learned the hard way (in China) to not respond to this with the Mandarin that I know, because I happen to be in the perfect disguise to lead people to believe that I'll be able to fluently continue the conversation.  Instead I responded with, "I don't speak Mandarin."  The man quickly asked, "Are you Chinese?".  I replied, "Actually, I'm mostly Korean and Japanese, and a little bit of Chinese.".  The woman changed her expression to a look of pity and, after a brief pause, the man said to me, reassuringly, "Don't worry, you're very pretty." -- and handed me a pen from the company they were representing.  

Thanks.  ? 

I wasn't worried.  I acknowledged my mixed ethnicity proudly because I grew up in America where, although it has been brought to my attention that a lack of ethnic purity is looked down upon in Asia, I always thought it made you a cool kid here.  Growing up, I was sort of envious of mixed kids.

My encounter in Vegas made me realize, though, that I have an opportunity to make a small dent in the stigma around mixed ethnicity in Asian culture if I continue to talk about it proudly.  

I keep the pen in my purse as a reminder. 

Joy

I read Marie Kondo's: The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying, a book meant to de-clutter your home and your life by clearing out the things you own that don't bring you joy, or that keep you in the past.  You're supposed to touch everything you own and think, does this bring me joy? and, if it doesn't, toss it.  Seems easy, right?  ...until you get to the things that bring you joy but that also keep you in the past.  She says, 'getting rid of things from the past will help you to move forward into the future that you want' -- but, what about the joy part? 

Anyway, I decided to clear out a bunch of things I had gotten from ex-boyfriends so I could, you know, move forward.  So, I threw away pictures, shredded old love letters, and donated gifts -- which included the painting shown above.  I took the painting, along with some other posters/cds/books, and put them in the lobby of my apartment with a postit that read, FREE.  All of it was gone within hours.  

I started to search for a new piece of art to fill the empty space on my wall, but nothing seemed quite right.  I put another painting there, but it made me feel anxious.  I searched for something new online, but it all felt forced and wasn't the pretty dancing girl I started to wish was still there.  Even though the painting was given to me in a past relationship, I really liked it.  It was pretty, and also represented so much more than that relationship to me.  It represented a time in my life when I was inspired and dedicated to moving myself forward.  I would sit with the guy who gave it to me and dream up what I wanted to do with my life next.  He really understood what I was going through, and did his best to connect me with some people who could move me in the right direction.  Through those connections, I found hope, and life, and passion, and drive, and eventually found my show, and then my magical job... 

The other day, I found myself looking at the wall wishing I had kept that painting. 

A day later, I was driving up to my apartment and I noticed that someone had left a painting outside by a tree.  It was my painting!  Apparently, whoever took it decided they no longer wanted it, so I parked my car, grabbed it from the tree, and put it back on my wall.  

:) 

Mt. Cutler Trail

I think the first time I hiked Mt. Cutler Trail was with my brother's best friend, Tony, when we were in high school.  It was likely during a time when Tony would show up at our house every weekend to hangout with my brother and, if I was still asleep when he arrived, would wander into my room with my cat in his arms to tell me it was time to wake up!  He woke me up a lot in those days.  I tended to sleep in as long as I could get away with, which sometimes had me in bed into the early afternoon.  

Mt. Cutler quickly became my favorite trail to hike.  It was short, challenging, close by, always accessible, and had a great lookout over Seven Falls...  Sometimes we'd hike it in the middle of the night to see the falls lit up and for a great view of the city. 

I was home for a few days for my sister-in-law's baby shower, and was able to hike the trail.  It had been a long time because I usually visit during the winter when it's a bit too cold, and possibly icy and snowy.  This time, the weather was perfect.  

I missed it so much.  The dusty trail, the lookout points, the rocks, the steep cliffs, the trees, the smell, the views.... 

The Shows

The Last Five Years - surprisingly enlightening

Andrew Bird - lovely

Mommy Queerest - quite an experience !  

Hatch - incredible images and moments

Chester Bailey - disturbing and brilliant

Oscar de la Renta - beautiful

Ka - SO FUN
Louis Katz - great night of comedy
King Lear - fights looked good! 

Broadway Under The Stars - crazy day, crazy and amazing show

DJ Harvey - great music, best night

Carmen at the ballpark - fun time, wonderful friends

Sting and Peter Gabriel - incredible performances and production
Redwood Ramblers - sweet gathering and farewell

Do Be - strange, beautiful, inventive

Gregory Alan Isakov & Magik Orchestra - deeply felt

Lindsey Stirling - pure energy, innovative

Janeane Garofalo - smart, hilarious tangents
Keiko Matsui - complex and inspiring

Always...

I feel like I've gone through a lot in the last 6 months.  A major break up.  A trip to Croatia.  I've had visitors, seen a variety of shows, spent time with friends, met someone new...  Got into a car accident. 

And, I got to go to Disneyland with Phuong and Huy!  

Huy works with a non-profit for Vietnamese students and asked if he could introduce me to one of them to talk about career aspirations.  He kept saying, "When I talk to her I think of you, and she wants to do what you do.".  I agreed to talk to her, and that's how I got to meet the lovely Kavi...who doesn't actually want to do what I do.  :)  But, we had such a great connection, and the kind of inspiring conversation that just fills you right up.  

Kavi was headed to L.A. a couple weeks ago for a short film program, so Phuong and Huy invited me to join them for a trip to see her and to go to Disneyland!  It was SO. MUCH. FUN... !!  And, I got to see Ashley!!!! 

I also got some time to really think through things and I realized, in a very deep way, the lessons that seem to be bombarding me right now -- how very important it is to be grateful and kind no matter what the circumstances.  It's always worth it.  

About love

I think I've had it all wrong...

I've confused love with romance, ideas of the future, needing to be heard vs doing everything in my power to practice love to the best of my ability every day...

I'm trying to learn to say when I'm hurt or disappointed instead of playing out my fear.  To ask the questions I'm afraid to ask.  To be vulnerable.  To be willing to say I feel vulnerable...

To love enough to be me all the time.  Especially when it's terrifying.  

Serendipity

I don't expect much from life except magic, adventure, overcoming the odds, the kind of invigorating romance that'll tear you to pieces, inescapable connection, shattering inspiration...

Like a garden full of pianos.  

A reunion with a favored acquaintance who spoke about his wife in the most lovely way. 

Seeing Sting on stage. 

Stupid human tricks and a perfectly honest conversation. 

A drink full of tighty whitey memories, music, and laughter.  

Finding the balance to fly. 

And, richest stories I can tell... 

Chasing fireflies

I took a last minute trip to Joliet to hangout with family and chase fireflies in the warm midwestern nights.

Joliet is like this place out of time where there are still houses without fences between the yards, flags waving from swept porches with swings, and a lot of sitting around and telling stories.  It's flat, charming, and fantastically slow.

My aunt, uncle, and grandparents were shocked to hear that my mom and I walked the dog around the silent, manicured, sleepy block at 11 o'clock at night without a gun.  ....um, wut? !

"You gotta learn to love the bomb."

In the middle of a really strange and beautiful day, filled with so many hard emotions and lessons and, somehow, so much laughter -- I read this article about Stephen Colbert called The Late, Great Stephen Colbert.  

Stephen Colbert lost his dad and two older brothers in a plane crash when he was 10 and, in the midst of this conversation about his incredible success, he talks about how you have to accept suffering.  "You gotta learn to love the bomb."  

"I asked him if he could help me understand that better, and he described a letter from Tolkien in response to a priest who had questioned whether Tolkien's mythos was sufficiently doctrinaire, since it treated death not as a punishment for the sin of the fall but as a gift. “Tolkien says, in a letter back: ‘What punishments of God are not gifts?’ ” Colbert knocked his knuckles on the table. “ ‘What punishments of God are not gifts?’ ” he said again. His eyes were filled with tears. “So it would be ungrateful not to take everything with gratitude. It doesn't mean you want it. I can hold both of those ideas in my head."

I've been struggling lately in dealing with loss, overthinking, learning to truly give people the benefit of the doubt, having faith, believing in myself...  geez, it's crazy to write it all out like that.  And, as it turns out, I'm starting to realize that I'm really scared.  But, I gotta learn to love the bomb.  And, I think that knowing this.  Writing about this.  Will help me to grow and move forward.


At the end of this difficult magical day, I was driving home from East Oakland and was t-boned on the corner of 45th and Bond when a girl apparently "didn't see my car at all" after she allegedly came to a full stop at the stop sign, and then blindly plowed into the intersection.  She had a stop sign; I did not.  She also had a phone...  

I screamed as we made impact, and my mind jumped to a conversation I was having minutes before with the friend I had just dropped off about people dying in car accidents.  As we made impact, I thought, this is it.

Moments later, the flying glass settled and, as I started to feel the sting of the airbag along my side and my arm, I realized I was still alive.  Shaken, kind of pissed that I was hit, and incredibly grateful that nothing was bleeding or broken. 

Be grateful.  Take the gift.  Do your very best to always give people the benefit of the doubt.  And, laugh your ass off as much as possible. 

Visits!

Stacey came to visit!

Saha, Field Music at the Independent, hanging with Linda and Kai in Mountain View, Koh Samui and the Monkey, comedy night at The Foundry, Souly Vegan, hiking in the Oakland hills, Il Fornario, Disney one man show, Cha Ya.  

And, Todd came to visit too!

Ceasar, Love our Neighborhood Day (Novel opening and Destiny Art's stage), Goorin, Summer Kitchen, Audium w/ Joan and Paul, Bob's donuts, North Beach breakfast, Beach Blanket Babylon, fight choreography for King Lear, Warriors game w/ George, X-men, Twinsters, Inn Kensington, Sausalito, Sushi Ran, Aunt Mary's, YouTube, awesome sandwich place.  

I'm so grateful for these two, for the time I got to spend with both of them, and for our mini adventures. :) 

Say anything

I used to write everywhere and on any surface -- paper (of course), napkins, the side of a coffee cup, my leg -- feverishly trying to capture splintered thoughts, haunting moments of possibility, the torture of a longing heart, wishes on pennies in fountains, an intoxicating kiss...

Bad poetry and gushing prose bleeding all over the place.  It was messy and honest and free. 

When I read back through it, I hate most of it -- but, I do find something pure.  Something present.  

Obsessive moments permanently inked... 

The shows

Just the ones I loved and haven't logged.  :) Not that the rest weren't good, or full of talent.

Salvage circus - amazing.
BAKED (sketchfest) - super fun
Half Moon Run - the most wonderful rock meltdown
Andy Kindler's particular show w/ guests (sketchfest) - birthday night w/ friends, great comedy :)
Upright Citizen's Brigade (sketchfest) - !!!
Of Serpents and Sea Spray - poignant, well performed, and a beautiful night...
OneRepublic - the best concert evar
The Cave Singers - the chapel!
The Nether - disturbing...but, great art.
The Unfortunates - physical and heart wrenching.  In a good way.
Palo Alto Players Gala - lovely history and company
James Carter Trio - magical :)
Duncan Trussell show - delightful and smart
Treasure Island - Zimmerman's brilliance

Croatia

...because, why not?  

Croatia was beautiful.  Simple.  Full of cobblestone streets and concrete beaches, coffee with piles of whipped cream, an abundance of truffles, and meals topped off with sweet alcohol.  The sea was an impossible shade of blue and the people were delightful. 

Here's what I want to remember: 

Dinner at the fortress in Belgrade with Shara, Siok, and Brian

Breakfast at the hotel

Driving into Croatia

Zagreb and the (awful) Museum of Broken Relationships

Yummy lunch at Pod Grickim Topom, the restaurant in the hill

Arriving in Rovinj

Meeting Diva the dog

Great Airbnb

Shara's birthday dinner by the water (and the stolen kiss)

Breakfast in Rovinj

Boat ride with the military guys

Amazing lunch at Hotel Adriatic

Walking to the Cathedral 

The terrifying and thrilling climb to the bell tower

Walk through the park w mini rock climbs

The cabana place and the controversial mural

Mexican food in Croatia

Breakfast in Rovinj again

Drive to the random city with the pizza place and the guy who complimented my smile. :) 

Arriving in Plitvice 

Charming VRBO 

Going to the caves and meeting Phillip

Getting groceries 

Shara's yummy cooking

Escaping the rain 

Driving out to the crazy rock park

Epic hike to the closed cave

Driving out to Zadar

Sitting in the sun and getting lost in the music of the wave organ 

Driving back to Plitvice

Heading to Plitvice Park

The wooden footpaths and waterfalls

Arriving in Zadar

Walking Old Town

Checking out Zadar's bell tower

Going to the wave organ again :)

Dinner at Hotel Niko

Meeting Joseph, Sara, and Salam

Breakfast at the hotel

Museum of Ancient Glass

Truffle spaghetti lunch

Back to Belgrade

Dinner at the hotel

Yummy last breakfast at the hotel