Freedom?

It's weird to have a sense of total freedom and total urgency simultaneously -- especially when the weather outside is exceptional. 

It's my first day of unemployment. 

I woke up, made sure to connect with a few people, had a great interview, and went for a walk to get a bagel and coffee...now I'm laying in my papasan next to an open screen door just listening to my neighborhood.  I kind of want to drag the papasan out onto the balcony, but I'm afraid I'll fall asleep and wake up with spiders all over me... 

These two...

My family gathered in Illinois to celebrate my grandparent's 65th wedding anniversary last weekend.  We drove them up to Chicago, took them on a carriage ride through downtown, and to a fancy dinner at The Signature Room at the top of the John Hancock Tower.  It was an incredible celebration for a couple that knows what it's like to really love someone for a lifetime.  

I admire my grandparents so much...

The next adventure

I wake up with an achy jaw from anxiety dreams and wonder what's next, as my pulse races and the stress tightens in little balls along my neck...  I realize that my privileged life has led me to believe that I am in a crisis situation right now.  But, I still have a roof over my head, money coming in, a great resume, great references...and could probably find a job tomorrow if my only objective was just to survive.

We live in a time when we're supposed to follow our dreams, move forward, find work that we love.... and, in this time, we're not allowed to settle for anything less than our dreams will allow.  ....but, what if my dream job just offered me half of my present salary?  And, a not so dreamy job would afford me the lifestyle that I prefer and enjoy?  What then...?  Especially when there are no guarantees.... 

In the meantime, it never ceases to amaze me how generous people can be. 

Ay me! sad hours seem long.

It's been two weeks since I was laid off and I haven't gotten nearly enough done.  Time feels simultaneously fast and slow (but more slow) and I feel like I'm very aware of the moments as they tick by....

I miss my boyfriend, my stability, spending money freely.... ending sentences without ellipses....

....but, I know I just need to get my butt out there and make it happen....

Scrubs:

This guy

Aatman -- caught in an unintended model pose.... I hit the capture button sooner than he expected.  :)

It's been a week and a half and I already miss him like crazy.  I'm not sure how I'm supposed to make it through the next 10 + weeks without him, but when he comes back we're going on an anniversary/birthday (his) trip to Boston, so I'm hanging on to thoughts of a nice celebration once all of this is over.  I can't wait until we're in each others arms watching the fireworks on the 4th of July....

Aatman went to MIT, so he's anxious to show me around campus, take me to the best sushi in Boston, and show me all of the murals he's worked on, among countless other things he'd like to do while we're there.  :)

I have an impressively smart and talented boyfriend whom, I have to admit, also knows how to spoil me, take care of me, make me laugh, make me feel secure, inspire me, challenge me, and just hold me in the most perfect way.

I'm anxiously awaiting his return.... 

Sometimes things change, just that fast...

The film went into final shooting two weeks ago (...or was that forever ago, like it feels -- and, have I said much about the film?) with rehearsals and fight training 3 to 4 days/nights a week for a month or so prior in preparation. It was a demanding schedule to maintain alongside a day job -- not to mention playing soccer, spending time with Aatman, seeing other friends, and just regular life things like doing laundry and buying cat litter...

The film ended last Saturday after a long day at the beach.  I left dirty and tired, but incredibly grateful for a challenging and invigorating experience in independent film.  I learned so much working with Ashley (our director) and am anxious to see the final product.  Aatman thinks it's my best work so far, from what he's seen.

I went straight from the beach to Aatman's place to clean up and head out for a double date with Aatman's friend John and his girlfriend Lily. I was exhausted, but we had a fun night.

On Sunday, I took Aatman out for a day of Bay Area love that started with a quick stop at the wave organ and then brunch at the beach.  It was his last full day in town before heading home for almost three months to study for his medical board exams, so we planned to spend every second together exploring and enjoying ourselves.  We headed to Sausalito for the afternoon, and then back into the city for oysters at Hog Island in the Ferry Building.  We ended the day with the sunset and a view of the bridge on Treasure Island where we did a little ritual we created to help us through our time away.  We even caught a bit of the Bay Lights on our way out of town....

Aatman left for Dallas on Monday so, after a few extremely full weeks, I felt like my entire schedule was suddenly open.  I was thinking I'd take advantage of the time by starting new projects, working on the next 8, and catching up with friends -- but, then, Tuesday I was told my job was being eliminated. 

....and, back in the race again.  

I have so much on my mind and so much to do in the next few days.  But, (according to Aria) everything is under my control...and, from a certain perspective, it is.

I have to have faith that everything will work out  ...and, I have to remember that, right now, things are great...

*breathe*

A view I once loved...

They would open the side of the restaurant to the walkway in the summertime.  I remember standing there, watching people walk the mall in the rain with their umbrellas glistening....  I would lose myself in the passing silhouettes -- breathing deep and wondering...what was I doing waitressing in the middle of downtown Denver...?  Everything would shimmer in the afternoon rain.  The buildings, the street, the passers by.... It was a summer full of sleepless nights and cigarettes, and the kind of mismatched company that could land you in any corner of the city...if you were willing to tag along.

"...And if only it was that easy with you by my side, and creepy eyes staring at me over a milkshake with the whipped cream piled too high, and a pitch in my voice that I don't recognize because the atmosphere provided more stimulation than was expected.  And I could hear myself trying to leave but my ass was glued to a plastic chair in a toxic diner in the middle of a city I can't remember how I got to.  And now, on fate is all I can rely....or is it faith....or lack of sleep.".

- Wednesday, August 16, 2000, 5:07am

A local adventure

A quick stop for fresh artichoke garlic herb bread, a visit to a goat farm for the most yum inducing goat cheese, and a lovely picnic at a lighthouse complete with wine and a blanket to keep us warm -er.  To keep us warmer -ish?  It was pretty cold, but completely worth it.  :)

My relationship has its ups and downs, but the ups. are. exceptional. 

to write.

It hasn't come over me in a long time -- the need...though, it's achingly familiar.  I remember, how I used to have to write.  On the sides of coffee cups.  On napkins.  On my leg propped up on a bar...

Right now, I want to write...but, I'm not sure what to say...


"Nothing in the world is how it should be,

It's cold, cruel.

But then there's us. 

It doesn't matter where we're from,
what we've done, or survived.
Or even if we make a difference.

We live as if this place were what it should be,
to show it what it can be.

You may not be a part of it yet,
but we hope you will be."

- The Role Traversal, From Monument To Masses

Eight, take 5

Ah, yes... take 5.

First of all, I had 7 fl oz Coronitas at this show for a $4 donation each (along side regular sized beers for the same donation) and didn't realize it until I was unpacking the leftover beer into my fridge around midnight that night.  Crap.  If you are reading this, and you are one of the people who got a tiny Corona for $4... I apologize.  

We went back to Cyclone for number 5.  

Cyclone is an incredible space.  

...I feel like I tend to get confirmation on Cyclone a little closer to the show date than I prefer, however, which puts a lot of pressure on my lineup -- but, these brave performers stepped up to the plate:  

Jessica Gruner 

Sara Kraft 

Keenan Williams 

Alex Koll

Gigi Benson

David Madwin

Josh Pollock

Agatha Rupniewski and crew 

This show was polarizing and challenging -- it pushed boundaries, was exhausting, and impressive.

It was a crazy but successful night... ! 

Rob ran his ass off doing sound, lights, etc... I had Christina, Jose, and Monty behind the bar (Monty generously donated wine for this show!), Aatman managed the door, and Bob ran the house.  

I sold out at 80 tickets.  People danced before we started and during the intermission.  I told a very long story to kill time during one of the setups, and the program was wrong and I forgot to explain it.  

Whew, and I thought 5 it would be easy... 

I'm anxious to see what 6 will bring.  

;) 

Show day

I always have the same feelings on the day of a show... I generally start with wondering why I do this to myself -- and, then, my mind runs rampant through scenarios of how the night will go.  I consider all of the possibilities:  the success, the failure, the peace I tend to find on stage once I'm finally there, the way my hands will likely shake until that moment.... 

I put 80 tickets on the books this time and I've sold out....and, I have a bunch of people who still want to come.  

There's a moment when I realize that my hunger for the sale means I'll need to deliver on that sale.  I don't tend to see that moment until it happens, which is why this project has been so successful, and why this moment feels so daunting.  

All the things I haven't said...

No, not really. 

...but, I will tell you that I am well underway in planning the next Eight, which will take place on next Friday.  The 8th.

...and, that my birthday was really nice. :)  I was surrounded by the best kind of friends -- for which I am endlessly grateful.

~

In the last few years, I've discovered that I'm either not good at throwing birthday parties (last minute random plans that half of the people I invite can't make), or super amazing at throwing birthday parties (managing to pull together an awesome 10 act show in a very raw space in two weeks flat...and, that should probably say "party") and, either way, the friends who share it with me make my day.

Aatman took me out for a post-birthday night on the town that was full of delicious food and rich culture -- my favorite kind of night on the town :)  ...and did you see the picture he drew for me?  It's beautiful...and, a weird feeling to find yourself completely impressed, kind of embarrassed, and very proud all at the same time.  (It was a pencil drawing of a photo he took of me.)  He's amazing.

Oh, and me and Mel saw Reggie Watts perform at the Independent!  The show was good and the night was awesome.  I completely overbooked myself and magically got everything done with ease, and in great company... I love that!

And! Troublemaker at Berkeley Rep was fricken fantastic!!  ;)  A quirky, lovable, stylized accomplishment in pushing the limits of the teenage vernacular while addressing the forces of our modern day society.  Committed, over the top performances that ROCKED, and a good look at growing up.  

2013

I rang in the New Year with a glass of champagne and a glow stick, dancing to a favorite song while kissing my favorite man.

Thirteen has always been a lucky number for me.

:)


Things to remember in 2013:

A bathroom light switch on the outside can be an endless source of entertainment.

Wishes are important.

Miscommunications in the middle of the night might make you laugh until you cry.

There's nothing wrong with skipping a few activities to relax.

You can do so much in a day.

You may find that someone who drives you crazy will be someone you don't want to be without...

The Mayans weren't fortune tellers, they were artists.

It's always worth it to face your fears.

There's a distinct difference between Vegas-like and Vegas-style.

If you look good together and seem happy, people will think you are newly married.

A science museum may be perfect for a rainy day.

Sometimes the translation is right in front of you.

Comedy, sunsets, big band music, and sandwiches are good choices.

Karaoke, piano bars, art auctions, and slot machines are hit or miss.


Moonlight on water can take your breath away.

Some Islamic people might be mistaken for ninjas.

And, finally, it's not the tequila bottle, it's the gesture.

;)