Make a wish

I keep trying to write this post but I'm starting to realize that it's not something to post; it's something I need to feel my way through... but, in the spirit of documenting an important moment in my life, I'll leave this here. 

Time

Hard news has a way of reshaping reality. 

In the past couple of months, I've been managing a close friend's serious illness, a parent's failing health, and an old friend's sudden passing... and, in the midst of the ongoing pandemic it all magnifies, making sure I take stock, and making unnecessary conflict or hardship so evident while still being strangely hard to personally manage. 

I was talking to someone the other day who was mad about what appeared to be a misunderstanding. She was actually hurt and scared it was just showing up as mad. I asked her if that's how she wanted to feel. She said, "that's how I've felt for many years...", and I stopped her and gently said, "that's not the question that I asked.". I followed with, "I think given recent circumstances it's clear that we don't know how much time we have; maybe it's worth it to tell him that you're hurt and scared." 

Have you seen the movie Raya and the Last Dragon? It points to our human tendency to blame and take and makes a somewhat clumsy case for us to trust and connect instead. Clumsy because the approach is sweet and naive and fails terribly a few times -- but, in the end, it's the only way forward. Almost like, no matter how callow it may seem, you have to just keep doing it until it works. And then it works. 

It was Mark Twain that said, “Dance like nobody's watching; love like you've never been hurt. Sing like nobody's listening; live like it's heaven on earth.”

Shows

It's been a very long time since I've documented the shows... but it's been a very long time since I've seen many shows. To be fair, the most recent ones have been more "outdoor experiences/exhibits". Also, apparently I saw a lot in the last half of 2019. 

May 20, 2019 - June 7th, 2021

Tempting Fate - Ross's show - a thoughtful, physically impressive feat

Faux Canada - Alejandro's band - they were great, and a fun night with Kelly 

GBS party - H.E.R. concert - AWESOME 

The Skirball w/ Pam in LA - great exhibits! 

The Marciano w/ Tony in LA - more great exhibits! 

The View Upstairs - great show, fights looked good

Port Stories - fun site specific work from my friends 

Rolling Blackouts Coastal Fever - great guitars :) 

Sons of Moody - Bao's band - great show! 

Circus Center instructors/Sean's show - delightful stories and incredible physical feats 

Once - absolutely magical 

Kiss My Aztec - I remember the colors... I think I really liked it? 

Jake Shimabukuro - always a great show

The Art Boutiki - can't remember the names of the bands, but it was a fun night

Rodrigo & Gabriela - AMAZING! 

Lord Huron & Shakey Graves - super fun show

Brian Mur4ami's one man show - delightful 

Magik magik - Maria's show at the Battery - awesome, so creative

Don't You Die On Me - fights turned out well

Generationals & Pure Bathing Culture - interesting sound, I liked it

Wicked - so freaking good every time 

Bon Iver & Sharon Van Etten - so great, loved the technology

Mumford & Sons - pyrotechnics!! 

Pop Up Magazine - Maria's show - better produced than that last one, but less diverse

Top Girls - I can't remember if I liked this show 

Thought Leaders / Facet - noise rock concert with my favorite noise rockers 

Oh Sees - moshy fun

Moulin Rouge - beautiful, fun

Hadestown - I found it a bit uncomfortable at first, but it got there and I loved it 

UCB - hilarious 

Stacy's birthday - mag.i.cal !!

Legally Blond - Casey's show - so very wonderful 

Art Battle Champions - trash panda! 

Thom Yorke (of Radiohead) - lots of jumping around :) 

Paco de Lucia - YES 

Hamilton - officially on the fanwagon because this cast knocked it out of the park !

Sara Bareilles - beautiful 

Testmatch - thought provoking 

Elevada - charming 

Cirque: Amaluna - always a treat 

Sofar Sounds - good music, poor experience 

SFIHHDF - still the best show in town :) 

Tales of Despereaux - lovely 

Bourbon Therapy - Maria's band she doesn't like - hilarious 

California Honeydrops - energized 

KML: Snowed In - Casey's show - brilliant 

JD McPherson - charisma! 

Nosaj Thing - awesome 

Catalina Ferry Cruise Party - NYE silly fun

The Broad - infinity, finally 

Head Over Heels - great show, fights were okay... 

Bobcat Goldthwait - can't remember... 

Ty Segall Trio - alright 

Napa Lighted Art Festival - wonderfully fun night 

Elbow - can't remember 

SF Ballet: Cinderella - beautiful ! 

Upright Citizens Brigade - fun! 

Matt's band - always great energy! 

Circus 2020 show: Gisele - vday, dark, aerial 

The End of You - gray space exhibit, interesting 

The Last Ship - well performed, Sting, last show I saw before the shutdown.... 

Collabor8 - my show/online - so happy to accomplish this with talented friends during the pandemic 

Entwined - outdoor light exhibit in GGP, beautiful 

VanGogh exhibit - soul filling 

The Last Five Years online - impressively performed and executed

Tuneyards online - so creative

John Doe outdoor concert - refreshing 

Bruce Munro: Light at Sensorio (the photo above!) - SPECTACULAR! 

Fool to Force... er Fourth.

I bought a condo! I now live in the Golden Gate District of Oakland (or North Oakland, right on the border of Emeryville and Berkeley). I'm not sure why it's called the Golden Gate District, but I can kind of barely see the Golden Gate Bridge from my bedroom window when it's really clear and I know what I'm looking for. :) You can see the GGB clearly from the rooftop deck, however. 

Yeah, I have a rooftop deck ! 

It's weird being back in a more urban part of Oakland after having lived in the hilly oasis of Piedmont Ave for so long. I'm actually back in the first zipcode I lived in Oakland where the criminal ran through my house, but much more north where things have gentrified quite a bit, for better or for worse. 

Offer accepted on April Fool's Day. Closed on May the 4th... :) 

This is a photo of the overcast view from my new home office window, with a view of the Bay Bridge. 

Here

After 11 years in this apartment, and 20 years in this neighborhood, I'm moving. 

I'm not moving far, just across town into a newer building -- but, I'm struggling to leave "here". 

The first time I visited Piedmont Avenue I knew it was exactly where I wanted to be. It seemed impossible to move into the perfectly charming neighborhood when I could barely afford to live in the ghetto.... but then, the dot-com boom crashed, and it was suddenly possible. My friend, Matt, and I moved into a sweet little two bedroom apartment near the ave with a view of palm trees and the tip of the Bay Bridge, and I remember standing with him on our little balcony and feeling like I had finally found the California I was looking for. 

I lived in that apartment for 7.5 years. Matt moved out to live with his girlfriend around year 5, and Josh (my boyfriend at the time) moved in during year 6. Eventually, Josh wanted us to move into a new space together, so we left my little apartment for a bigger place in the neighborhood -- and, soon after that, we broke up...  

Fortunately for me we were in a recession at the time, so I managed to find a one bedroom apartment I could afford on my own, still in the neighborhood -- and, that's how I ended up here. 

"Here" is an old building, with a ceiling that leaks (and, that has literally fallen in), with mold, and an old stove with a burner that I have to hit every time I want to make an omelette... the washer and dryer for the floor is constantly broken, the elevator is never up to code, and the hallways are dirty and are sometimes only partially lit. Here is where the people in the penthouse have maybe filmed porn and have definitely released dogs to run around on the roof, and where the music pleasantly trickles down now that we're in a jazz ensemble phase. Here is where I covered a wall with playbills, mended my most devastating broken hearts, got a job at Google, started facing my fears, created an underground show and started working as a producer...  I met and befriended my sweet neighbors, fell in love with the treelined streets, spent many weekends walking to Piedmont Ave/the Rose Garden/the lake, and many afternoons watching the squirrels run along the power lines or jump from the rooftop into the tree outside my balcony... Here is a place that I have loved entirely... This building, with all of its flaws and silly antics. This neighborhood that I soaked up completely, in every way that I thought I could... 

Sometimes you don't know how in love you are until it's time to move on. 

Farewell, El Dorado... 💛

Circles

It's strange to have lived in a pandemic for over a year. We've moved into circles measured 6ft apart and masks have become a part of our wardrobes. 

The Ninja Hat project

 

Once upon a time...  

Click here for The Ninja Hat. 

Flower serenade

I started 2020 hoping to complete 6 personal projects for the year. I successfully completed 2 of those projects - the flower serenade and Collabor8 - though it was almost 3 (the house concert pilot was booked and ticketed, but we were shutdown by the pandemic). ...although, I guess you could say this and the post about Collabor8 is kind of 4 (documenting learnings), but this is coming in 2021... 😜 Anyway...

Goal: To challenge myself with creative projects in 2020 that are inspiring and that give back to the community. To do this every other month. To bring kindness and goodness into the world. To remind people of the magic that exists all around us.

FINAL IDEA for proeject one: Maria will sing and play the guitar and I will follow her and pass out roses while we walk around the lake.

Notes, observations, and learnings: 

• Maria asked what my goal was for the day
• It was to bring a positive moment into the lives of 96 people in the hopes that they might then bring a positive moment to 96 more
• I bought 96 roses for $80
• Set up was more involved than we anticipated, and getting to the moment of execution was scarier than we thought it would be
• We both found ourselves pretty nervous and full of excitement and dread before we managed to get to the lake 😁😬
• Buying a cart to haul the roses was key, thanks Maria!
• Two buckets were necessary
• People wanted to follow us and document
• We decided to not do that to keep the exchange purely about the exchange
• This was a good decision
• People were hesitant to take the roses from us at first because they thought we were selling them
• Telling people "it's free" worked, but it also created an energy of taking vs receiving
• If I did it again, I would start with, "may I give you a free rose?" in the hopes that it would be more graciously received
• Once people saw other people with roses they were more likely to take one without needing an explanation
• I didn't discriminate, I offered a rose to everyone we passed
• Men were more likely to take a rose than women at first
• We consistently had great reactions from kids
• Most people thanked me or said something kind as they took a rose
• All roses were individually handed out
• Maria singing was a perfect touch
• She got a nice compliment on her voice
• Made for less talking during the exchange
• Kept us moving
• Was an anchor for me, very comforting.
• Very much added to the moment, like a serenade - why we now call this the flower serenade 💖
• One woman stopped us to say that seeing all of the people with roses around the lake made her day, and that she thought we particularly made the day of an elderly couple she'd passed
• A couple more people commented on how cool it was to see everyone walking around with roses.
• I hadn't considered a collective impact, this was special to discover
• One guy said “Oh, you're just doing it for love!”
• Someone said that seeing so many people with roses around the lake was magical
• Hearing the word "magical" felt like mission accomplished 🙌
• A few people thanked us at the end for the effort/result and one woman made a point to tell us, "You did a good job."
• We were asked by a small group of women if we were doing this for the woman's March
• We said we were not
• When we passed them again later, they told us that they loved us
• There was a lingering desire to give people roses when they were gone
• Post show blues set in quickly, maybe because the roses were gone in about 30-40 minutes 

It was extremely impactful to make eye contact and exchange a smile with so many strangers. It made me feel very connected to the community, and like everyone I saw in the hours following were suddenly familiar.

2020

"I feel like the city's going to swallow me up and I'll be left floundering around in my emotions and my thoughts and I'll slowly watch everything just melt away into the madness of the whir of the traffic and the voices and footsteps and my heart will race until I can't catch my breath and then?  What?  I'll die?  Find what I'm looking for finally?  I'll stop.  Maybe everything will stop." 

I wrote that in 2010 (my prose was stronger then), but it seems to encompass how I was feeling at the beginning of 2020. 

My life was full. I was booked with travel, fancy meetings, fight choreography gigs, working out, keeping up with too many people, and it seemed like I had tickets to everything.

I had also created 6 personal projects for myself to "change the world" (or at least the world around me) by completing one community based project every other month. Totally doable, right? 

I quickly discovered that I didn't understand the prep-work-overlap-insanity I had created for myself in order to accomplish my personal projects in the midst of everything else I was barely able to manage. You may remember the post I wrote at the beginning of the year about the anxiety I was feeling and how I thought I was going to die? 

"...and my heart will race until I can't catch my breath and then?  What?"

On March 16th, the shelter in place order hit California. I was sent home from work with the understanding that we would be working from home for the next few weeks which immediately turned into the next few months. My calendar was wiped clean of travel, social events, everything.  

"Maybe everything will stop." 

Well, almost everything. I had just started dating this guy who was already frustrated with my lack of time for him because of my crazy schedule. With shelter in place shutting everything down, and my friends committing to staying home, he soon became my schedule. He would show up in the evenings and we would go on walks and cook and watch movies. Sometimes we'd tell each other stories and play games, or stand on our heads at 2 o'clock in the morning. Everything started to feel really slow, and our time together felt simple and magical in the midst of the world going sideways. 

"I'll stop."

There was a moment during the summer when I was sitting on a porch in Stockton. The sunlight seemed to dance across the grass and an occasional bird or butterfly would flutter into view, playing in the heat, while the tress swayed so slightly. I sat there for a long time and just watched the yard. It seemed like something I hadn't done since I was a kid -- absorb my surroundings with nothing else to think about or do but notice the light and the heat and allow myself to be fully embraced in the moment. 

...

🌼

Joy

This little cutie turned 2 on November 12th. 

On the night we celebrated Joy's birthday, while the adults were still greeting each other and catching up, Joy stood up on this chair and, almost seeming to no one but herself, exclaimed, "I'm so happy!" 

My favorite conversation with Joy during my last visit was about her playing pickle-ball. Every time we'd ask her if she played pickle-ball she'd say, "Yeah.". My 4 year old nephew, Joshua, would then go into a fit about how she's just a baby and doesn't play pickle-ball! After which we'd ask her if she played pickle-ball again, and she'd say, "Yeah.". I would find quiet moments to connect with her and whisper, "Pickle-ball..." and she'd look at me and whisper back, "Pickle-ball..." and then smile. 

My middle name is Joy. When my brother and his wife discovered they were having a girl, they asked if I would mind if they named her Joy. 💗

Clown theory

A few years ago, a co-worker and I were tasked with creating an internal sites page. At the time of the request, our team had reached an all time high with our stress levels, which had led to us finding silly ways to cope, and included a day where I used the word "supposably" in place of "supposedly" for hours (through a full team meeting and an entire crew call), to bring some kind of levity to the insanity. The mis-use of the word was confusing at first, and then funny, and then got pretty annoying I think, and then managed to reach a level of humor that we didn't know was possible. :) It reminded me of this clown theory my friend Joan (who's a clown) had told me about regarding the power of humor in repetition. 

All of this to say, we decided to name our sites page the "Producer Clown Theory of Masterful Operations"; headlining the page with a quote I made up based on the result of the "supposably day" that also seemed to be reflective of parts of our job and what I remembered from the clown theory.

"The act of repetition: moving from humor through pain and back to an absurdly, wonderful delight." 

- Anonymous K (by way of Joan the clown)

We, of course, thought the naming convention and the quote was brilliant and hilarious and completely relevant. 

Our manager didn't seem to have a strong reaction to the page name at first, but, over time, it became pretty clear that she wasn't a big fan. She would find ways to bring up gentle criticisms of the page, other ways it should be executed, and eventually just wanted a different resource all together. The information on the page was good, but the name seemed to make her pretty uncomfortable -- and, in the process of trying to get rid of it, she had to say it over and over while doing her best to hide her discomfort. Which. Was. Perfection. 😁

The page is now deprecated, though still internally searchable, and still bringing me endless amounts of joy. 😂

Family time

Family time, during a pandemic, in Colorado where they aren't afraid of the pandemic...? Oh, Colorado... :) though, to their credit, the count there is very low.

And, what a wonderfully healing trip.

I am so very fortunate that I have a loving family that always welcomes me and is happy to see me. We don't always agree and we're definitely not perfect, which makes it that much more special.

💗  

Collabor8

8/8/2020.

I had been rolling around the idea of evolving 8 into a collaboration project since the Moonlight at the Treehouse party but (as mentioned in that post) it was a puzzle I couldn't seem to solve.

Then, at the beginning of this year, I heard something in an audio book that struck me. "Forge new relationships between unrelated things. Seeing novel connections is the cardinal feature for creativity and is essentially human." It wasn't meant to be a quote, but it did somehow reinforce this idea I loved around the beauty in finding new, creative ways to connect.

I started to shop ideas about the project to artist friends of mine. Would they be willing to let me pair them with someone to create an 8 minute piece on stage? How much time would they need to work with that person beforehand? What was exciting about it? What was scary? The answers I got varied to a degree that made it seem difficult to move forward, but I started looking for possible venues anyway. "If you build it, they will come." ? 8.8.2020 was on a Saturday and was the perfect date for this event.

Then the pandemic hit.

I went through phases of giving up on the show entirely, to thinking it might be easier to find a venue now 😜, to brainstorming on safe and creative ways to do the show outdoors, to considering the possibility of making it fully digital... But, without a clear idea of the course of the pandemic, it was hard to make a plan.

Then, on Wednesday, July 15th, I was looking at the calendar and realized it might be possible to pull together a digital show by August 8th if I made some decisions and acted on them immediately.

A couple of days later, I sent out an email to 88 performers to see if I could get any interest.

"I thought of you because I'm hoping to put together a collection of artists to do an unexpected collaboration with another artist. It will be a digital undertaking, and will require the delivery of an 8 minute video of the collaboration. 

Here's my vision: 

Once I have a list of interested artists, I'll look for combinations and make connections. Then each pair will have 2 weeks to create a video in whatever way they choose; committing to delivering an 8 minute piece to me by the end of two weeks. I'll stitch the footage together to create a show that I will release online. 

This will be a challenge and an opportunity to bring different disciplines and people together to create something special, and to ultimately/hopefully break down barriers and bring a diverse audience together around art, which feels really relevant to me, especially right now."

I got 22 committed performers in 3 days, and we were on our way.

My friend, Michael, suggested that I create a live viewing party for the launch of the show. A livestream! A great idea. But, then I had to learn how to livestream.... and, actually, I didn't know how to do video editing to put the work together to present it as a show, and how was I going to introduce this show?

"When you want something; all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it." - Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

Casey called to tell me he wasn't interested in the project but he wanted to say hi and catch up, and in the course of the conversation he mentioned he'd been livestreaming from home. He had great tips and was willing to give me a tutorial. Then, a bunch of friends jumped in to help me with in-the-moment testing and troubleshooting until I felt confident in running the stream. And, then, my dear friend (filmmaker/director), Ashley, called to catch up, and I realized that she would the perfect editor for the show. She agreed to help, and did incredible work putting the show together, convincing me to get on camera to introduce the show, and being a patient and professional collaborator (for me!) on the final product. It was such a delight to work with her, and I couldn't have asked for a better partner. 

Collabor8 went live on 8.8.2020 at 8pm to YouTube, with live chat enabled to give the artists an interactive experience. 

I'm so grateful for these brave artists. We ended up with 10 pieces, so approximately 80 minutes of work, showcasing a wide range of styles and content. 💗

Anna and Audrey
Nik and Lenny
Michael and Trisha
Larry and Lorraine
Joan and Skorpio
Allison and Ruth
Sean and Kara
Ross and Gigi
Josh and CoiCoi
Julie and Maria

Perspective

A shift in perspective can bring beauty to what otherwise might seem stark... with, the tiniest remembrance of what was.

In the last 4 months, I've learned to slow down, to cook (some things, kind of), to face my abandonment issues head on, to work at home, to workout at home, to make sure I get outside daily, to ride my actual bike (no more SoulCycle), to do abbreviated silks work from the pull up bar in my kitchen... I've fallen in love and... out of love ? "...out of [his] favor, where I am in love..." and I've gone on little adventures. Ocean beach, McLeren Park, Treasure Island, Point Reyes, an off road trail in Marin, Pacifica, Sutro Reserve, Stockton, Carmel, Monterey, the Golden Gate Bridge, flying w/ Robin, Calistoga, Stinson Beach, Stockton, Stockton, Stockton, Stockton.... (Stockton was becoming a bit more of a routine than an adventure, but it did feel far away...)

And now...

How am I'm supposed to keep moving forward during a pandemic with a broken heart?

I received a postcard that said, "May this message bring you whatever small peace is needed at this moment!", and it did. And then, a follow up text talked about committing to art without worrying about outcomes. The inspiration from these two timely messages launched me straight into a spinoff project of Ei8ht -- a passion project I'd been wanting to pursue called Collabor8.

Perfect.

...wish me love... 💜