Cultivating joy

Brene Brown talks about the importance of cultivating joy as a way to conquer hard times.  A sort of "filling your cup" so that when bad things happen you have a well to draw from.

This idea made sense to me when I first heard it.  Do things that make you happy.  Sure.  I do that all the time!  I'm good at it.  I get it.  But, then, someone walked into YouTube with a gun and started shooting on a day when I was supposed to be there and, as I stood safely at my desk in Mountain View, shaking, on ping with the producer who was hiding under the desk in our front of house area, things began to clarify.

After a traumatic event, everything changes.  Sleep, dreams, your appetite, the news, people's casual comments about the news, the way you think about life, relationships, the chances you're so glad you took -- And, the things that truly fill your life with joy become very important.  You cling to them.  You counter every startling noise, every nightmare, every shaking fear soaked memory with all of the beauty you can muster.  You celebrate kindness, laughter, connection, life... and, you do your best to remember that things are okay most of the time.  You remember the joy because, without it, you might lose hope.

Bad things happen.  And, the only thing we can do when they happen is confront them.  Work through them.  And, in the meantime, do everything possible to fill our lives with as many good things as we can so we have a well of joy to draw from.

Moonlight at the Treehouse

Mark and I had been talking about doing a show at the Treehouse (the Treehouse is Mark's awesome house in the woods in Los Gatos) for years... but, work, and the challenges of the space, plus money and performers -- was making it into a puzzle in my head I was having trouble solving.  A dry run seemed like it might be worth it, but where would we start?  Would it be themed?  Would it be a party?  Would we bill it like a show?  Would we tell people about the performances, or let them discover things on their own?  Would it be frustrating to miss performances if we had a bunch of things happening at once?  There were a million questions.

My original idea was to create an evolved version of 8 with 8 performers for the night.  I wanted to find a strong piano player whose music we could route to different parts of the house, and then have collaborations happening with the piano music.  Dancers on the deck, another instrument out by the zen garden, a spoken word artist or a singer down in the bar in the basement...  The purpose was to create an environment of magical discovery with 4 connected performances at once, then some kind of break, and 4 more.

*countlesspossibilitypuzzlespin*

At the beginning of this year, Mark and I started talking again, and finally decided to just throw a party.  We'd make it a free for all open mic night to see if some of my vision might happen organically.  We gave it a loose theme -- a party under the moonlight (a full moon) at the treehouse on a Saturday night.  Perfect.

We invited a bunch of creative people, and people who like creative things, added some special touches (buttons, star garland, disco stars on the trees), made food, designed an invite, designated a DJ, and confirmed some people who would perform at some point.  We'd see how people moved about the space, how the different parts of the house would feel, if people would perform, and how people would respond to the performances.

The things that went well:

• We had a really nice turnout
• A great mix of mine and Mark's friends, and co-workers
• Everyone was well behaved
• The weather was great
• People performed who likely wouldn't have agreed to be booked on a show
• There were some really brave and lovely performances
• It was very in the moment 
• Since nothing specific was planned, we were all on the journey together
• Mark had great lighting around his house 
• The disco stars were magical 
• People told me they had a great time

The things that might need attention, if we do this again: 

• The different areas of the house felt isolated (which might make the original idea work well, but maybe wasn't ideal for this kind of party)
• People who'd been on the deck couldn't find us when we went downstairs for the performances.  
• Both the DJ and one of the committed performers had emergencies and weren't able to come last minute 
• Would have been good to have some backup plans
• Mark's place wasn't ready for a party when I arrived 
• Specific expectations or a plan around this would've been worth it.  I had to sweep all 3 decks and clean both bathrooms, aside from last minute party things.  Also, our tealight wayfinding didn't work that well before the sun went down.  Ha. 
• The food selection wasn't great
• We needed ice, more cups, and any kind of vegetable 
• I think it might've made sense to either curate the night more, or to not create performance expectations at all.  (Though I'm a bit torn on this point.  It was special having people choose to take the mic in the moment, which maybe wouldn't have happened if things had been more curated.)
• If the night was more curated, I think I would either go after my first idea full force and see what happens, OR would maybe make it much more of a curated kind of party... 
• If a party - acoustic performances scheduled in the living room, dance music outside on the deck, and maybe a free for all music setup (with no prior expectations) in the basement bar
• Planned technical support would be good for the sound system(s)
• The timeframe could've been shorter and the party probably could've started later (this would depend on what we're trying to accomplish)
• It would've been good to find ways to integrate people more 
• Moving furniture around, more connection points or things to connect over

At the end of the night, a friend of mine told me how much he enjoyed the night and appreciated what I do to keep things like this alive.

Update: 4/17

For the last couple of weeks, I haven't been able to shake the feeling that something was missing from our moonlit night.  Then, a few days ago, I was in a Lyft on the way to the airport and, as the driver and I were talking about our passions and career trajectories, we started talking about ei8ht.  During the conversation, I realized that a very important element in making ei8ht special was its mission to bring people together around local art while giving back to the community.  The show wasn't about me making money, or just entertainment, it was specifically about celebrating, supporting, and honoring local art, while also donating to positive community efforts -- in ei8ht's case, an important arts education and violence prevention program in Oakland.  In the background, it was a hope that some day I might use the experience on a resume, but I wasn't sure if anyone would take it seriously...

FEED YOUR SOUL

Weightless

* Photo exhibit at Z Space, SF

"Lift me up / sweep me to the sky
Broken heart / teach me how to fly
Clear away / shadows in my mind
And the changes in my blood
I can feel it turning round and round and round and round and round and round

Come to me / leave the world behind
Come to me / rise into the light
Come to me / falling out of time
Come to me / come to me / come to me

Follow you / anywhere you go
You're the one / place that I call home
Let the air / bless our hallow bones
And the changes in my blood
I can feel it turning round and round and round and round and round and round

Come to me / leave the world behind
Come to me / rise into the light
Come to me / falling out of time
Come to me / come to me / come to me"

- Life Me Up from Weightless by The Kilbanes
https://thekilbanes.bandcamp.com/track/lift-me-up

One tribe

I was sitting in a movie theater in Walnut Creek on opening weekend and, when Oakland flashed on the screen, I reactively let out a solid "YAYEAH" that echoed through the crowd and made me realize that I NEEDED TO BE WATCHING THIS IN OAKLAND.

So, the next weekend I went to see it again in Oakland.  :)

Black Panther had Oakland, South Korea, an El Dorado reference (the street I live on), a lot of fighting, a true hero, strong women, a complex villain, a rich story, and a great message.  It was like they made the movie for me.  I mean, I'm sure they completely had me in mind when they were creating this AMAZING FILM!!

I'm so proud of Marvel, and Disney, and Ryan Coogler, and art for making such a profound cultural impact in this moment when we're obsessed with super heros and we need great role models and we need for black lives to matter.

I'm inspired.  I'm invigorated.  I'm excited for badass entertainment laced with hope.

One tribe.

Command the ocean!

My friend Huy texted, "Sort of random.  Want to go there maui 18-21?"  I think "there" was supposed to be "to".  I responded, "Hmmm, I do want to go!"

A couple of days later, I had a plane ticket and a plan to spend 3 and 1/2 days on Maui with Huy, Phuong, and baby Ethan, and 3 days on Oahu with Stacey and Todd!  The trip happened to fall over my birthday, and turned out to be the best way to start my new year.  :)


Maui 
Star Noodle
Lahaina - town
Ululani's Hawaiian Shave Ice
Montage Kapalua Bay
Snorkeling
Aloha Mixed Plate
Pool at Montage
Walking along the beach in Lahaina
Japengo - birthday dinner
Meditation on the balcony
Beach at Kapalua Bay
Ohana Tacos
Ululani's Hawaiian Shave Ice
Lahaina - town - Banyan Tree
Walking the rock pier in the rain
Honu
Lahaina - town
Meditation on the balcony again
Nakalele Point - blow hole
Star Noodle again
Art fair
(Huy also made me an amazing breakfast every day)


Mokulele tiny plane flight over to Oahu

Oahu
Simple Joy Vegetarian
Stacey's oatmeal breakfast
Surf n' Sea paddle boarding - Haleiwa
The Beet Box Cafe
Matsumoto Shave Ice
Nico's w/ Mark, Patricia, Caden - birthday dinner, actual day
Birthday cake!
Leonard's - malasadas
Hanauma Bay crazy ridge hike
Musubi Cafe IYASUME  

Surfing with Mike, Waikiki Beach 

Alohilani Resort Waikiki Beach - shower and serenade 

Baikohken - Waikiki Yokocho Gourmet Alley 

Everybody clap - Bboys :) 

Tea Boss

Zippy's w/ Cara

Walking Waikiki Beach 

Heavenly Island Lifestyle - lunch

Phuong and Huy completely spoiled me by letting me stay in their beautiful vacation rental, taking me to great food, showing me great views, and letting me hangout with little baby Ethan!  It was relaxing and beautiful, and what a wonderful family to travel with. :) 

The tiny plane flight was terrifying and the most amazing flight I've ever taken.  

Stacey surprised me with balloons and a cake first thing in the morning on my birthday!  And, then she and Todd continued to spoil me ALL DAY.  :)  It was so nice to see them and hangout, and paddle boarding was so fun!!  

Surfing in Hawaii was much harder than Costa Rica, but I did get up once, and it was great hanging out with Mike again!  The hike Mike sent me on around Hanauma Bay was gorgeous and dangerous, and made me feel like I was in a Murakami novel. :) 

I'm glad I got to see Mark, Patricia, Caden, and Cara, and that I got to have such an amazing trip with so many people that I love.  

💛

Zion

The holidays were rich.  Complex.  Hard.  Delightful.  They were full of wonder, family, great friends, dreamy views, sweet connections, emotional conversations, and sleep.

I was in Colorado with my family for Christmas, and was invited to a last minute trip to Zion/Bryce Canyon with a bunch of girls for New Years. 

Tell me what you know about dreaming...

I dreamt I was in an apartment with a bunch of friends waiting to go out.  The apartment, and everything in it, was completely white.  I was sitting in a chair at a table, and one of my ex-boyfriends kept embracing me in a way that felt like he was trying to make things right again.  To my left was the top of a stairwell and, just past it, I could see flocks of beautiful paper birds flying in these gorgeous, sweeping patterns.  There wasn't a roof on the apartment, so when I went to look at the birds, it was like I was standing at a lookout point.  My hair was held back in a perfect braid, and I felt elated.  My friends started calling for me to come out with them, and when I moved to join them, I woke up. 

This last month has been super charged with transition, and an attempt to fix all of the things that broke the month before.  It's been intense.  But, regardless of it's challenges, it's become very clear to me that my life is full of delightful moments.  I am so grateful that I have such wonderful friends, that I've seen game changing art and performances, that I'm learning new things, have reconnected with people I've been missing, and that I don't find myself feeling at a loss for anything that I need.  

I. Am. So. Very. Blessed.   

...though, I do still have some wishes lingering out there...  ;) 

Rose colored glasses

“You know how everyone’s always saying seize the moment?” she asks. “I don’t know, I’m kind of thinking it’s the other way around, you know, like the moment seizes us.” - Boyhood

  

A couple of days ago, I had the opportunity to work with a spoken word artist and famous hip hop dancers to produce an inspiring show about taking risks and letting go.

On Halloween, one of my friends was convinced that a guy in the bar had done the best "Steve Jobs", but the rest of us were pretty sure that guy hadn't actually dressed up.  :)

Last night, the makeshift contraption (intended to protect my room from a leaky ceiling until the roof is fixed) started leaking...so, I stood on a tarp on my bed, holding duct taped plastic and a funnel, trying to catch water for about an hour and a half until the rain stopped.

I'm performing in a show that travels to public parks, which means cute dogs spontaneously join us for our scenes.  

I recently received a confusing and unwanted goodbye that broke my heart. 

I put on my rose colored glasses and do my best to remember:  that I am surrounded by amazing opportunities for art and inspiration in my life, there's humor everywhere, I'm strong enough to hold things together even when everything seems like it's falling apart, there's a reason why dogs always steal the show, and a broken heart means that there was love... 

The moment seizes us. 

I got you.

Visits to the Bay from this guy make me soar.  💗

Zachary's 

Exit through the gift shop 

Moscato and popcorn 

Hiking Redwood Regional 

Ricky's 

Plank 

Blade Runner

Bagels

Rehearsal/football day 

I'a Poke  

Fly bar

Independent with Mel - Nikki Lane, JD McPherson 

Colonial donuts

Muir woods 

Tiburon Tavern 

Take Your Parents To Work Day

When I first heard about Take Your Parents To Work Day (TYPTWD), I had just started at Google and thought it was probably an open house of some kind.  It didn't seem like something I would ask my parents to take a trip out from Colorado to attend.  

Two years later, in my new job on the production team (that was running the presentation events for TYPTWD), I discovered that TYPTWD was a day when parents come to Google from all over the world to see what their kids are doing; and, Google takes that opportunity to honor the parents of Googlers.  It's a full day of events, classes, food, demos, presentations -- and, is a fun time to show off your parents and Google.  Very cool!  

So, this year (four years later), my parents came out from Colorado for TYPTWD. :) 

Google

True Food

Parents wandering the city (while I was at YouTube)

Salito's Crab House / Sausalito

Brown Sugar

DIY Faire / Jack London

Hanging curtains and things 

Chocolate Faire / Ghirardelli 

Trattoria Contadina 

Beach Blanket Babylon

Inn Kensington

Napa

Zachary's

Scottsdale/Sedona

Arizona was easy and sweet, with just the right amount of surprise and adventure.  

The things, in no particular order (by category): 

The movies: 

Logan

Hardball

Up

Eddie the Eagle (...to be continued)

The food: 

Breakfast sandwich

Salad

Pho

Room service

Wendy's

Fancy Italian 

Thai 

Antipasto plate

The places: 

The arches

The Duce

Phoenix Art Museum

Bitter and Twisted

Pho Cao

Scottsdale 

Sedona

The fun/moments: 

Meeting Marshall

Foosball 

Bags

Driving and talking

Him driving, me sleeping

Wandering through the museum

The lights exhibit and the rain exhibit

Finding the arches

Finding a bunch of paths that led to nowhere :) 

Learning new things 

Cuddling in the air conditioning 

The Luscious Frankie J

The Luscious Frankie J had to be put down on Saturday...

Frankie had been on thyroid medication for a couple of years, and we recently found out that her kidneys were failing.  She started to rapidly decline after a hard night and a scary trip to the vet about a month ago.

In her last week, it became clear that she was suffering quite a bit.  I was able to call a mobile vet to come to my home to euthanize her.  

Frankie was a great cuddler and second alarm clock who loved to headbutt, stare, eat, and take up a ridiculous amount of room in my bed.  She greeted me at the door every day, would loudly let me know anytime her bowl was empty, and liked to stay close to me -- especially when I was sad.  When she was younger, she used to play fetch, chase a soccer ball, jump out and scare me when I would walk through the apartment late at night, sleep on my belly, and would occasionally climb the curtains.

She was a great cat and friend, with endless personality.  

I already miss her purr and her pretty eyes.  :(

Summer of Love - 50th Anniversary

The Summer of Love was a social phenomenon that occurred during the summer of 1967. 

"A new concept of celebrations beneath the human underground must emerge, become conscious, and be shared, so a revolution can be formed with a renaissance of compassion, awareness, and love, and the revelation of unity for all mankind." - San Francisco Oracle

💗

Blue Moon

So, I'm in this bar called Wasted Grain (not on the night's agenda, although neither were the 2am tacos that followed), and this guy walks up and says, "Hey, can I buy you a drink?"  I tell him that I'm done drinking for the night, but he insists -- especially after the girls announce to him that I'm single AND it's my birthday.  I tell him that he can buy me a soda.  Straight.  "Vodka soda" he says to the bartender....  

We cheers.  I take a sip, and immediately hand the drink off to the bachelorette because, as I mentioned, I'm done drinking for the night.  

He asks me where I'm from and what I do.  I tell him that I live in the Bay Area and I'm an event producer at Google.  He says that he has family in the Bay, seems impressed that I work at Google, and says that I have really good energy.  He's from Chicago, works in tech sales, and seems sweet and young.

When he asks me how my day was, I tell him that it was great and I give him a brief description of the day's adventures.  I ask him about his day, and there's a quiet moment, and then he tells me that his dog died that day.  I say that I'm so sorry and, as his eyes well up a bit, he says, "Don't cry, because if you cry I'll cry".  We stand there solemnly -- and, in this moment, I already know that I like him.  

I start to think about how we just met and we're standing in a bar about to cry, and it makes me giggle -- which brings a smile back to his face.  

We continue to talk and flirt, and at some point he says, "Give me your number."  I say no.  He says, "Why not?".  I say, "Because you live in Chicago."  He clarifies, "No, I'm from Chicago, but I live here."  So, I reply with my new reason which is, "You live here."  He smiles and reminds me, "But, I have family in the Bay."  

I ask how old he is and he says, "Why does that matter?".  "Because I'm 42".  He doesn't care.  My inner monolog emerges in verbal spillage, "Now, see, it's this conversation that gets me here every time.  You don't care cause it doesn't matter, but then it does matter, and by then it's too late...".  He shakes his head and interrupts me with "What -- you're thinking too much!  I just want to see you again...".  

Perfect.  Dammit. 

I take a snapchat of the two of us together and he manages to grab my snapcode. 

He says, "Why am I so drawn to you?  I can't get enough of you.".  

💞

...I blow him a kiss as a golf cart pulls us back into the night...