About love

I think I've had it all wrong...

I've confused love with romance, ideas of the future, needing to be heard vs doing everything in my power to practice love to the best of my ability every day...

I'm trying to learn to say when I'm hurt or disappointed instead of playing out my fear.  To ask the questions I'm afraid to ask.  To be vulnerable.  To be willing to say I feel vulnerable...

To love enough to be me all the time.  Especially when it's terrifying.  

Serendipity

I don't expect much from life except magic, adventure, overcoming the odds, the kind of invigorating romance that'll tear you to pieces, inescapable connection, shattering inspiration...

Like a garden full of pianos.  

A reunion with a favored acquaintance who spoke about his wife in the most lovely way. 

Seeing Sting on stage. 

Stupid human tricks and a perfectly honest conversation. 

A drink full of tighty whitey memories, music, and laughter.  

Finding the balance to fly. 

And, richest stories I can tell... 

Chasing fireflies

I took a last minute trip to Joliet to hangout with family and chase fireflies in the warm midwestern nights.

Joliet is like this place out of time where there are still houses without fences between the yards, flags wave from swept porches with swings, and there's a lot of sitting around and telling stories.  It's flat, charming, and fantastically slow.

My aunt, uncle, and grandparents were shocked to hear that my mom and I walked the dog around the silent, manicured, sleepy block at 11 o'clock at night without a gun.  ....um, wut? !

"You gotta learn to love the bomb."

In the middle of a really strange and beautiful day, filled with so many hard emotions and lessons and, somehow, so much laughter -- I read this article about Stephen Colbert called The Late, Great Stephen Colbert.  

Stephen Colbert lost his dad and two older brothers in a plane crash when he was 10 and, in the midst of this conversation about his incredible success, he talks about how you have to accept suffering.  "You gotta learn to love the bomb."  

"I asked him if he could help me understand that better, and he described a letter from Tolkien in response to a priest who had questioned whether Tolkien's mythos was sufficiently doctrinaire, since it treated death not as a punishment for the sin of the fall but as a gift. “Tolkien says, in a letter back: ‘What punishments of God are not gifts?’ ” Colbert knocked his knuckles on the table. “ ‘What punishments of God are not gifts?’ ” he said again. His eyes were filled with tears. “So it would be ungrateful not to take everything with gratitude. It doesn't mean you want it. I can hold both of those ideas in my head."

I've been struggling lately in dealing with loss, overthinking, learning to truly give people the benefit of the doubt, having faith, believing in myself...  geez, it's crazy to write it all out like that.  And, as it turns out, I'm starting to realize that I'm really scared.  But, I gotta learn to love the bomb.  And, I think that knowing this.  Writing about this.  Will help me to grow and move forward.


At the end of this difficult magical day, I was driving home from East Oakland and was t-boned on the corner of 45th and Bond when a girl apparently "didn't see my car at all" after she allegedly came to a full stop at the stop sign, and then blindly plowed into the intersection.  She had a stop sign; I did not.  She also had a phone...  

I screamed as we made impact, and my mind jumped to a conversation I was having minutes before with the friend I had just dropped off about people dying in car accidents.  As we made impact, I thought, this is it.

Moments later, the flying glass settled and, as I started to feel the sting of the airbag along my side and my arm, I realized I was still alive.  Shaken, kind of pissed that I was hit, and incredibly grateful that nothing was bleeding or broken. 

Be grateful.  Take the gift.  Do your very best to always give people the benefit of the doubt.  And, laugh your ass off as much as possible. 

Visits!

Stacey came to visit!

Saha, Field Music at the Independent, hanging with Linda and Kai in Mountain View, Koh Samui and the Monkey, comedy night at The Foundry, Souly Vegan, hiking in the Oakland hills, Il Fornario, Disney one man show, Cha Ya.  

And, Todd came to visit too!

Ceasar, Love our Neighborhood Day (Novel opening and Destiny Art's stage), Goorin, Summer Kitchen, Audium w/ Joan and Paul, Bob's donuts, North Beach breakfast, Beach Blanket Babylon, fight choreography for King Lear, Warriors game w/ George, X-men, Twinsters, Inn Kensington, Sausalito, Sushi Ran, Aunt Mary's, YouTube, awesome sandwich place.  

I'm so grateful for these two, for the time I got to spend with both of them, and for our mini adventures. :) 

Say anything

I used to write everywhere and on any surface -- paper (of course), napkins, the side of a coffee cup, my leg -- feverishly trying to capture splintered thoughts, haunting moments of possibility, the torture of a longing heart, wishes on pennies in fountains, an intoxicating kiss...

Bad poetry and gushing prose bleeding all over the place.  It was messy and honest and free. 

When I read back through it, I hate most of it -- but, I do find something pure.  Something present.  

Obsessive moments permanently inked... 

The shows

Just the ones I loved and haven't logged.  :) Not that the rest weren't good, or full of talent.

Salvage circus - amazing.
BAKED (sketchfest) - super fun
Half Moon Run - the most wonderful rock meltdown
Andy Kindler's particular show w/ guests (sketchfest) - birthday night w/ friends, great comedy :)
Upright Citizen's Brigade (sketchfest) - !!!
Of Serpents and Sea Spray - poignant, well performed, and a beautiful night...
OneRepublic - the best concert evar
The Cave Singers - the chapel!
The Nether - disturbing...but, great art.
The Unfortunates - physical and heart wrenching.  In a good way.
Palo Alto Players Gala - lovely history and company
James Carter Trio - magical :)
Duncan Trussell show - delightful and smart
Treasure Island - Zimmerman's brilliance

Croatia

...because, why not?  

Croatia was beautiful.  Simple.  Full of cobblestone streets and concrete beaches, coffee with piles of whipped cream, an abundance of truffles, and meals topped off with sweet alcohol.  The sea was an impossible shade of blue and the people were delightful. 

Here's what I want to remember: 

Dinner at the fortress in Belgrade with Shara, Siok, and Brian

Breakfast at the hotel

Driving into Croatia

Zagreb and the (awful) Museum of Broken Relationships

Yummy lunch at Pod Grickim Topom, the restaurant in the hill

Arriving in Rovinj

Meeting Diva the dog

Great Airbnb

Shara's birthday dinner by the water (and the stolen kiss)

Breakfast in Rovinj

Boat ride with the military guys

Amazing lunch at Hotel Adriatic

Walking to the Cathedral 

The terrifying and thrilling climb to the bell tower

Walk through the park w mini rock climbs

The cabana place and the controversial mural

Mexican food in Croatia

Breakfast in Rovinj again

Drive to the random city with the pizza place and the guy who complimented my smile. :) 

Arriving in Plitvice 

Charming VRBO 

Going to the caves and meeting Phillip

Getting groceries 

Shara's yummy cooking

Escaping the rain 

Driving out to the crazy rock park

Epic hike to the closed cave

Driving out to Zadar

Sitting in the sun and getting lost in the music of the wave organ 

Driving back to Plitvice

Heading to Plitvice Park

The wooden footpaths and waterfalls

Arriving in Zadar

Walking Old Town

Checking out Zadar's bell tower

Going to the wave organ again :)

Dinner at Hotel Niko

Meeting Joseph, Sara, and Salam

Breakfast at the hotel

Museum of Ancient Glass

Truffle spaghetti lunch

Back to Belgrade

Dinner at the hotel

Yummy last breakfast at the hotel 

<#

I dream about lollipops and earthquakes, a secret embrace, a broken earring and a table that was meant for two....

I'm not really sure what to say.  Aatman broke up with me two months ago under circumstances that left me devastated to the point where (with the exception of Stacey, and a couple of close friends who caught me in weak moments), I couldn't figure out how to talk about it with the people that I'm closest to.  So, I didn't.  Or, I haven't.  So, if you're reading this and it's the first time you've heard of it, that's why.

We were planning on a future together.  We had talked through all of the possible scary things we were up against, and decided that we could work through them together because we made a great team.  Our good significantly outweighed our bad, and most of the bad seemed manageable -- except maybe his parents -- but, that would change once they met me, right?

I never met Aatman's parents because, before I could, they ganged up on him with his sister, expressed their complete disapproval of me (based on superficial criteria), and gave him an ultimatum of them or me.  He couldn't walk out on his family, so he broke up with me.

It was like a bad dream.

I wanted to talk through it with him, but he needed some space -- so, I signed up for therapy, stumbled upon a bunch of articles about how often this happens in the Indian community, watched Meet the Patels, started working out like a fiend, did my best to pick up the pieces from my broken awesome life, and began the process of erasing a future that would now go on without me.


An exploding heart used to mean something different to me than what it does today.
<#

Poem

A Brief For The Defense

Jack Gilbert

Sorrow everywhere. Slaughter everywhere. If babies
are not starving someplace, they are starving
somewhere else. With flies in their nostrils.
But we enjoy our lives because that’s what God wants.
Otherwise the mornings before summer dawn would not
be made so fine. The Bengal tiger would not
be fashioned so miraculously well. The poor women
at the fountain are laughing together between
the suffering they have known and the awfulness
in their future, smiling and laughing while somebody
in the village is very sick. There is laughter
every day in the terrible streets of Calcutta,
and the women laugh in the cages of Bombay.
If we deny our happiness, resist our satisfaction,
we lessen the importance of their deprivation.
We must risk delight. We can do without pleasure,
but not delight. Not enjoyment. We must have
the stubbornness to accept our gladness in the ruthless
furnace of this world. To make injustice the only
measure of our attention is to praise the Devil.
If the locomotive of the Lord runs us down,
we should give thanks that the end had magnitude.
We must admit there will be music despite everything.
We stand at the prow again of a small ship
anchored late at night in the tiny port
looking over to the sleeping island: the waterfront
is three shuttered cafés and one naked light burning.
To hear the faint sound of oars in the silence as a rowboat
comes slowly out and then goes back is truly worth
all the years of sorrow that are to come.

"The Eagle has landed."

“The most important thing in the Olympic Games is not to win but to take part, just as the most important thing in life is not the triumph but the struggle. The essential thing is not to have conquered but to have fought well.”  ―Pierre de Coubertin

Also, I love Hugh Jackman.

When I was a senior in High School...

I took a creative writing class.

Our teacher would pique our imaginations by asking us things like:  Which is louder, a cough or a sneeze?  What kind of animal do your parents think you are?  Where do you think you will be, with whom, and doing what in 10 years?

And, then one day he told us a story about how James Dean predicted his own death.  "James Dean would tell interviewers that he thought he'd live fast and die young", the teacher said -- "and, then he died at 24 in a violent car crash... Have you ever thought about how you might die?"

I thought about it.  Would I live to be really old and die in my bed?  Would I catch a disease?  I lived in Colorado at the time (land of the terrifying drivers) and couldn't imagine ever living anywhere else, so I predicted that I would die in a car crash when I was 40.  I would be married, with 2 kids, a dog, and a minivan -- and, I would die driving.  I always pictured the kids and dog with me, but I also always seemed to think I would leave them behind with the mystery husband I never had a clear picture of in my head.  The kids were young.  The dog - fluffy.  The minivan - gray.

Midnight on January 22, 2016, I turned 41 and managed to survive (if you've been following along) my third death prediction.  Well, actually, I guess I don't know what time I was born on the 22nd, so maybe I was still in danger most of the day (sorry people who were with me on that day!), but it's now the 27th and I'm still alive, so I made it to 41.  :)

Whew!

....and many more....  ;)

Extras

There's a new movie coming out called Birth of the Dragon.  It's about Bruce Lee's last fight, which apparently took place in Oakland (wut?!).  Did you know that Bruce Lee was born in San Francisco's Chinatown??

I was booked as an extra getting off of the boat from China with the guy who came over to fight Bruce Lee.

I've only done extras work once before because I didn't really enjoy my first experience with it.  It was a lot of sitting or standing around, and a lot of waiting, walking from here to there, and resetting again and again....  Extras work doesn't pay well, it's a lot of time, and your chances of making it on screen are pretty slim.

This time was more fun, however, and I think I did get on screen.  It was still a lot of walking from here to there and resetting, but there was a lot less waiting around and a lot more random fun.  The group of extras they had that day were great, and the production team was astounding -- we got costumes, make up, hair, and props without a hitch, and the team on the ground kept things really fun and moving all day long.

It was cool to see the production from the talent side again, and I loved having the crew buzzing all around us.  It made me think about what will be next... ;) 

Quiet holidays

My parents and I had planned to meet in Illinois to spend Christmas with my extended family this year but, a couple of days before my parents were supposed to travel, my Mom got sick.  

When my Mom gets sick it tends to land her in the hospital for a few days due to some intestinal issues she has, so I rerouted my flight to spend Christmas in Colorado.  My brother was in Atlanta with his wife's side of the family, so my Dad and I prepared ourselves to spend Christmas with just the two of us, along with visits to the hospital to see my Mom. 

I told my Dad I could make spaghetti and a nice salad for Christmas dinner.  He told me he would get some steak or a turkey and make roasted vegetables for us, and that I could still make a salad if I wanted.  :)  haha

On our way home from the airport we went to visit my Mom at the hospital, and found that she was doing much better than we expected!  Things were looking up and it seemed like there was a good chance she would be released the next morning.  She was released from the hospital on Christmas Eve, so we were able to have her home for the holiday!  Yay!  Since she was still recovering, we had a quiet holiday together, but it was a really nice time for reconnection.  :) 

I headed back to the Bay for New Years thinking I would probably join a party with some friends for the night, when my handsome boyfriend told me he was heading to the Bay to spend New Years with me!  :) We ditched the parties, went to a nice dinner, and then spent the rest of the night on my couch -- talking, laughing, reading to each other, cuddling....  We eventually watched the ball drop on TV, and then faded into the night to the sounds of Drunk History...  :) 

Here's to 2016!!