Say anything

I used to write everywhere and on any surface -- paper (of course), napkins, the side of a coffee cup, my leg -- feverishly trying to capture splintered thoughts, haunting moments of possibility, the torture of a longing heart, wishes on pennies in fountains, an intoxicating kiss...

Bad poetry and gushing prose bleeding all over the place.  It was messy and honest and free. 

When I read back through it, I hate most of it -- but, I do find something pure.  Something present.  

Obsessive moments permanently inked... 

The shows

Just the ones I loved and haven't logged.  :) Not that the rest weren't good, or full of talent.

Salvage circus - amazing.
BAKED (sketchfest) - super fun
Half Moon Run - the most wonderful rock meltdown
Andy Kindler's particular show w/ guests (sketchfest) - birthday night w/ friends, great comedy :)
Upright Citizen's Brigade (sketchfest) - !!!
Of Serpents and Sea Spray - poignant, well performed, and a beautiful night...
OneRepublic - the best concert evar
The Cave Singers - the chapel!
The Nether - disturbing...but, great art.
The Unfortunates - physical and heart wrenching.  In a good way.
Palo Alto Players Gala - lovely history and company
James Carter Trio - magical :)
Duncan Trussell show - delightful and smart
Treasure Island - Zimmerman's brilliance

Croatia

...because, why not?  

Croatia was beautiful.  Simple.  Full of cobblestone streets and concrete beaches, coffee with piles of whipped cream, an abundance of truffles, and meals topped off with sweet alcohol.  The sea was an impossible shade of blue and the people were delightful. 

Here's what I want to remember: 

Dinner at the fortress in Belgrade with Shara, Siok, and Brian

Breakfast at the hotel

Driving into Croatia

Zagreb and the (awful) Museum of Broken Relationships

Yummy lunch at Pod Grickim Topom, the restaurant in the hill

Arriving in Rovinj

Meeting Diva the dog

Great Airbnb

Shara's birthday dinner by the water (and the stolen kiss)

Breakfast in Rovinj

Boat ride with the military guys

Amazing lunch at Hotel Adriatic

Walking to the Cathedral 

The terrifying and thrilling climb to the bell tower

Walk through the park w mini rock climbs

The cabana place and the controversial mural

Mexican food in Croatia

Breakfast in Rovinj again

Drive to the random city with the pizza place and the guy who complimented my smile. :) 

Arriving in Plitvice 

Charming VRBO 

Going to the caves and meeting Phillip

Getting groceries 

Shara's yummy cooking

Escaping the rain 

Driving out to the crazy rock park

Epic hike to the closed cave

Driving out to Zadar

Sitting in the sun and getting lost in the music of the wave organ 

Driving back to Plitvice

Heading to Plitvice Park

The wooden footpaths and waterfalls

Arriving in Zadar

Walking Old Town

Checking out Zadar's bell tower

Going to the wave organ again :)

Dinner at Hotel Niko

Meeting Joseph, Sara, and Salam

Breakfast at the hotel

Museum of Ancient Glass

Truffle spaghetti lunch

Back to Belgrade

Dinner at the hotel

Yummy last breakfast at the hotel 

<#

I dream about lollipops and earthquakes, a secret embrace, a broken earring and a table that was meant for two....

I'm not really sure what to say.  Aatman broke up with me two months ago under circumstances that left me devastated to the point where (with the exception of Stacey, and a couple of close friends who caught me in weak moments), I couldn't figure out how to talk about it with the people that I'm closest to.  So, I didn't.  Or, I haven't.  So, if you're reading this and it's the first time you've heard of it, that's why.

We were planning on a future together.  We had talked through all of the possible scary things we were up against, and decided that we could work through them together because we made a great team.  Our good significantly outweighed our bad, and most of the bad seemed manageable -- except maybe his parents -- but, that would change once they met me, right?

I never met Aatman's parents because, before I could, they ganged up on him with his sister, expressed their complete disapproval of me (based on superficial criteria), and gave him an ultimatum of them or me.  He couldn't walk out on his family, so he broke up with me.

It was like a bad dream.

I wanted to talk through it with him, but he needed some space -- so, I signed up for therapy, stumbled upon a bunch of articles about how often this happens in the Indian community, watched Meet the Patels, started working out like a fiend, did my best to pick up the pieces from my broken awesome life, and began the process of erasing a future that would now go on without me.


An exploding heart used to mean something different to me than what it does today.
<#

Poem

A Brief For The Defense

Jack Gilbert

Sorrow everywhere. Slaughter everywhere. If babies
are not starving someplace, they are starving
somewhere else. With flies in their nostrils.
But we enjoy our lives because that’s what God wants.
Otherwise the mornings before summer dawn would not
be made so fine. The Bengal tiger would not
be fashioned so miraculously well. The poor women
at the fountain are laughing together between
the suffering they have known and the awfulness
in their future, smiling and laughing while somebody
in the village is very sick. There is laughter
every day in the terrible streets of Calcutta,
and the women laugh in the cages of Bombay.
If we deny our happiness, resist our satisfaction,
we lessen the importance of their deprivation.
We must risk delight. We can do without pleasure,
but not delight. Not enjoyment. We must have
the stubbornness to accept our gladness in the ruthless
furnace of this world. To make injustice the only
measure of our attention is to praise the Devil.
If the locomotive of the Lord runs us down,
we should give thanks that the end had magnitude.
We must admit there will be music despite everything.
We stand at the prow again of a small ship
anchored late at night in the tiny port
looking over to the sleeping island: the waterfront
is three shuttered cafés and one naked light burning.
To hear the faint sound of oars in the silence as a rowboat
comes slowly out and then goes back is truly worth
all the years of sorrow that are to come.

"The Eagle has landed."

“The most important thing in the Olympic Games is not to win but to take part, just as the most important thing in life is not the triumph but the struggle. The essential thing is not to have conquered but to have fought well.”  ―Pierre de Coubertin

Also, I love Hugh Jackman.

When I was a senior in High School...

I took a creative writing class.

Our teacher would pique our imaginations by asking us things like:  Which is louder, a cough or a sneeze?  What kind of animal do your parents think you are?  Where do you think you will be, with whom, and doing what in 10 years?

And, then one day he told us a story about how James Dean predicted his own death.  "James Dean would tell interviewers that he thought he'd live fast and die young", the teacher said -- "and, then he died at 24 in a violent car crash... Have you ever thought about how you might die?"

I thought about it.  Would I live to be really old and die in my bed?  Would I catch a disease?  I lived in Colorado at the time (land of the terrifying drivers) and couldn't imagine ever living anywhere else, so I predicted that I would die in a car crash when I was 40.  I would be married, with 2 kids, a dog, and a minivan -- and, I would die driving.  I always pictured the kids and dog with me, but I also always seemed to think I would leave them behind with the mystery husband I never had a clear picture of in my head.  The kids were young.  The dog - fluffy.  The minivan - gray.

Midnight on January 22, 2016, I turned 41 and managed to survive (if you've been following along) my third death prediction.  Well, actually, I guess I don't know what time I was born on the 22nd, so maybe I was still in danger most of the day (sorry people who were with me on that day!), but it's now the 27th and I'm still alive, so I made it to 41.  :)

Whew!

....and many more....  ;)

Extras

There's a new movie coming out called Birth of the Dragon.  It's about Bruce Lee's last fight, which apparently took place in Oakland (wut?!).  Did you know that Bruce Lee was born in San Francisco's Chinatown??

I was booked as an extra getting off of the boat from China with the guy who came over to fight Bruce Lee.

I've only done extras work once before because I didn't really enjoy my first experience with it.  It was a lot of sitting or standing around, and a lot of waiting, walking from here to there, and resetting again and again....  Extras work doesn't pay well, it's a lot of time, and your chances of making it on screen are pretty slim.

This time was more fun, however, and I think I did get on screen.  It was still a lot of walking from here to there and resetting, but there was a lot less waiting around and a lot more random fun.  The group of extras they had that day were great, and the production team was astounding -- we got costumes, make up, hair, and props without a hitch, and the team on the ground kept things really fun and moving all day long.

It was cool to see the production from the talent side again, and I loved having the crew buzzing all around us.  It made me think about what will be next... ;) 

Quiet holidays

My parents and I had planned to meet in Illinois to spend Christmas with my extended family this year but, a couple of days before my parents were supposed to travel, my Mom got sick.  

When my Mom gets sick it tends to land her in the hospital for a few days due to some intestinal issues she has, so I rerouted my flight to spend Christmas in Colorado.  My brother was in Atlanta with his wife's side of the family, so my Dad and I prepared ourselves to spend Christmas with just the two of us, along with visits to the hospital to see my Mom. 

I told my Dad I could make spaghetti and a nice salad for Christmas dinner.  He told me he would get some steak or a turkey and make roasted vegetables for us, and that I could still make a salad if I wanted.  :)  haha

On our way home from the airport we went to visit my Mom at the hospital, and found that she was doing much better than we expected!  Things were looking up and it seemed like there was a good chance she would be released the next morning.  She was released from the hospital on Christmas Eve, so we were able to have her home for the holiday!  Yay!  Since she was still recovering, we had a quiet holiday together, but it was a really nice time for reconnection.  :) 

I headed back to the Bay for New Years thinking I would probably join a party with some friends for the night, when my handsome boyfriend told me he was heading to the Bay to spend New Years with me!  :) We ditched the parties, went to a nice dinner, and then spent the rest of the night on my couch -- talking, laughing, reading to each other, cuddling....  We eventually watched the ball drop on TV, and then faded into the night to the sounds of Drunk History...  :) 

Here's to 2016!! 

Thanksgiving and things

This year, I spent Thanksgiving in Colorado with my family for the first time in 15 years...

I don't usually go home for Thanksgiving because my family likes to spend Christmas together -- but, this year, my brother and his wife will spend Christmas with her Dad's side of the family in Georgia so, in order for our whole family to be together during the holiday season, Thanksgiving was our chance.  

It was strange to go back to a traditional American Thanksgiving after the mismatch of diners, road trips, Friendsgivings, Asian Thanksgivings, and Portuguese Thanksgivings that have made up my California smörgåsbord of Thanksgiving experiences.  Turkey, stuffing, potatoes, family, snow, football... it was all just the same as I remembered it.  Pretty boring with a lot of food I don't really care for... :) 

But, I have to say, the rest of the weekend with my family was quite nice.  :)  

As far as the "and things" goes, A Gentleman's Guide to Love and Murder was one of the best shows I've seen in a very long time and I think the best comedy I've ever seen.  It was delightful, creative, innovative, and brilliantly performed.  !!  I absolutely loved it!! 

All of the shows

At some point, I stopped writing about all of the shows.  I think it was around a time when I had hoped to write with more substance vs. reporting where I'd been -- but, I've missed logging some amazing things I've seen as a result so, in the last year, here are the shows I've found significant, and a few words about each:

JD McPherson (Pure energy and fun)

Faulted (Strange and wonderful)

Kinky Boots (Important, incredible, touching, beautifully performed)

Mike Birbiglia (Hilarious [and, I got to meet him!])

Kurios (Magical, creative, full of fantastic surprises)

Mittens & Mistletoe: A Winter Circus Cabaret (Impressive and fun)

Upright Citizen's Brigade (SketchFest - Amazing show)

Edinburgh Fringe w/ Janeane Garofalo (SketchFest - Best. Comedy. Showcase. Evar.)

Let There Be Love (Absolutely lovely and touching)

A Little Night Music (Delightful! Sexy, silly, beautifully performed)

Wicked (Denver - Visceral, beautiful, energetic, relevant...and, impactful)

One Man, Two Guvnors (Physically impressive, completely entertaining)

Plastic Persons (Matt and Tom - Perfectly nostalgic)

Jake Shimabukuro (Transcendent)

Amelie (FANTASTIC. Sweet, charming, touching, good silliness, beautiful set, great performances)

The Unheard of World (Dark, sweet, physical)

Fourth Messenger concert (Inspirational, moving, powerful)

Glen Hansard (Pure emotion)

Clybourne Park (Challenging, wonderfully humorous, topical)

SF Hip Hop Dance Fest (Energizing and inspiring)

Dogtown

Dogtown used to be written in spray paint.  

Now it's typography.

Main Street Theatre farewell

I stood there, snapped this photo, and thought briefly about all of the important memories I created while sitting on those stairs.... 

My birthday party, back when the space was new -- when I had to rent chairs and we piled people on old couches and let them dangle their feet from the balcony.  The stage lights were tin flood lights hung high from the pillars.  Rob brought in his sound system and a spot light for the trapeze act, and I invited everyone I knew and made them all wear mustaches.  It was one of the most magical nights of my life.  

Then, the first two 8s -- the weirdly successful stumble throughs.  

The last few 8s -- where I solidified the process, reconnected with the magic, and managed to make it my life.  

The shows I attended full of silliness and inspiration.  Sitting on the stairs with the residents of Main Street, feeling like it was exactly where I belonged.... 

And then, of course, there were the late night talks, circus bootcamp, the wild west fight night that no one attended... :) the delightful Sunday afternoon when Natty's boyfriend played the trumpet in front of the brick wall facade, the night Nik and Joan and I watched Scott Pilgrim vs the World on a tiny tube tv, the fight rehearsals, the laughter, the ability to create, the freedom to play....

Sweet Main Street, we will miss you.  ...and, we'll never forget you.  

Super moon

I was invited (kidnapped? is what they called it :) ) to join a group of friends who were going on a night hike to see the super moon -- we didn't actually see the super moon, but we did see this gorgeous moon the night before...  :)   

On the night of the actual super moon, I had gotten comps to a show at ACT.  The only time I would be able to see the super moon was during the show's intermission.  

As soon as the lights went up, Kat and I ran out of the theatre and looked into the sky.  We knew we'd have to get to the top of a hill or to an open space and we'd only have about 15 minutes, so we ran a couple of blocks to Union Square.  

As we crossed into the square, we could see the moon rising between the buildings to the East.  The eclipse gave it so much dimension.  It looked more like something out of a science fiction novel than like the moon to me.  Kind of other worldly, like a new orb in the sky vs something I guess I've come to think of as the night's shiny, shadowy source of light.  For some reason, the effect made me very aware of the space between us and, since I was viewing it from Union Square, how far from nature so many of us live our lives.  I found myself feeling very small and thinking that we must seem strange to the moon... as we stood there on the concrete, drowning in the lights from Macy's, with people in fancy jackets -- chattering and smoking cigarettes as they walked by.... we pointed, took pictures, ooo and aww'd, and went back to our seats in the theatre... leaving the red moon to linger in the sky.