You are not your job....

I'm watching fight club....which always makes me weirdly proud of my simple lifestyle and the fact that I've never invested in things like curtains.  ?  It also makes me re-fall in love w/ stage combat and, at the moment, feel better about not having a job.  ... not that it changes my desire for one, but it makes me just feel less stressed out I guess.  Which is nice.  

I am Jill's exhausted motivation.

I had two interviews today, both of which were very strange.... I had hoped to end the day with an offer, an acceptance, a job, and a plane ticket to surprise Aatman on a study break, but instead I'm feeling very unsure and like the race has maybe just begun.  Dammit.  

~

Jessica treated me to a punk rock show over the weekend and we happened to run into some old Mass friends while we were there.  It's weird to realize we've all grown up.  Was it really 10 years ago when we were in the thick of The Mass?  When I could screw up every local punk/metal/noise band's name as a vaguely recognizable rendition of the actual name because that was my life... ? 

First Friday

I feel like I've been unemployed for forever, but it's been like 3 days.... (and, only two of those were business days.)

I've had two great interviews and I'm being called back for both.  I have an additional call back from an interview I did a week ago, a new interview booked, and a new interview pending.  I feel....good?  I'm still nervous but, so far, I'm getting call backs for all of my interviews, so I think that's good.

(I just discovered that I'm writing about interviews in audition terms, which is weird -- especially because I find interviews to be a piece of cake compared to auditions... Oh, wait, I also mix up "half time" and "intermission", and "practice" and "rehearsal", so I guess it's not that weird.)

Last night I went out and had fun for the sake of having fun for the first time in about a month.  The purpose wasn't friend encouragement or support, networking, or soccer, it was just fun.  And free fun!  I dusted off my bike, pumped up the tires, and rode down to First Friday to meet Vasilia.  We wandered through the maddening, fascinating crowds of Bay Area'ns into galleries and warehouses packed with sculptures, paintings, handmade jewelry and clothes, food, DJs...and all of the little, big, weird wonderful things that make the Bay Area so freaking special.

:)

I needed that.  

Freedom?

It's weird to have a sense of total freedom and total urgency simultaneously -- especially when the weather outside is exceptional. 

It's my first day of unemployment. 

I woke up, made sure to connect with a few people, had a great interview, and went for a walk to get a bagel and coffee...now I'm laying in my papasan next to an open screen door just listening to my neighborhood.  I kind of want to drag the papasan out onto the balcony, but I'm afraid I'll fall asleep and wake up with spiders all over me... 

These two...

My family gathered in Illinois to celebrate my grandparent's 65th wedding anniversary last weekend.  We drove them up to Chicago, took them on a carriage ride through downtown, and to a fancy dinner at The Signature Room at the top of the John Hancock Tower.  It was an incredible celebration for a couple that knows what it's like to really love someone for a lifetime.  

I admire my grandparents so much...

The next adventure

I wake up with an achy jaw from anxiety dreams and wonder what's next, as my pulse races and the stress tightens in little balls along my neck...  I realize that my privileged life has led me to believe that I am in a crisis situation right now.  But, I still have a roof over my head, money coming in, a great resume, great references...and could probably find a job tomorrow if my only objective was just to survive.

We live in a time when we're supposed to follow our dreams, move forward, find work that we love.... and, in this time, we're not allowed to settle for anything less than our dreams will allow.  ....but, what if my dream job just offered me half of my present salary?  And, a not so dreamy job would afford me the lifestyle that I prefer and enjoy?  What then...?  Especially when there are no guarantees.... 

In the meantime, it never ceases to amaze me how generous people can be. 

Ay me! sad hours seem long.

It's been two weeks since I was laid off and I haven't gotten nearly enough done.  Time feels simultaneously fast and slow (but more slow) and I feel like I'm very aware of the moments as they tick by....

I miss my boyfriend, my stability, spending money freely.... ending sentences without ellipses....

....but, I know I just need to get my butt out there and make it happen....

Scrubs:

This guy

Aatman -- caught in an unintended model pose.... I hit the capture button sooner than he expected.  :)

It's been a week and a half and I already miss him like crazy.  I'm not sure how I'm supposed to make it through the next 10 + weeks without him, but when he comes back we're going on an anniversary/birthday (his) trip to Boston, so I'm hanging on to thoughts of a nice celebration once all of this is over.  I can't wait until we're in each others arms watching the fireworks on the 4th of July....

Aatman went to MIT, so he's anxious to show me around campus, take me to the best sushi in Boston, and show me all of the murals he's worked on, among countless other things he'd like to do while we're there.  :)

I have an impressively smart and talented boyfriend whom, I have to admit, also knows how to spoil me, take care of me, make me laugh, make me feel secure, inspire me, challenge me, and just hold me in the most perfect way.

I'm anxiously awaiting his return.... 

Sometimes things change, just that fast...

The film went into final shooting two weeks ago (...or was that forever ago, like it feels -- and, have I said much about the film?) with rehearsals and fight training 3 to 4 days/nights a week for a month or so prior in preparation. It was a demanding schedule to maintain alongside a day job -- not to mention playing soccer, spending time with Aatman, seeing other friends, and just regular life things like doing laundry and buying cat litter...

The film ended last Saturday after a long day at the beach.  I left dirty and tired, but incredibly grateful for a challenging and invigorating experience in independent film.  I learned so much working with Ashley (our director) and am anxious to see the final product.  Aatman thinks it's my best work so far, from what he's seen.

I went straight from the beach to Aatman's place to clean up and head out for a double date with Aatman's friend John and his girlfriend Lily. I was exhausted, but we had a fun night.

On Sunday, I took Aatman out for a day of Bay Area love that started with a quick stop at the wave organ and then brunch at the beach.  It was his last full day in town before heading home for almost three months to study for his medical board exams, so we planned to spend every second together exploring and enjoying ourselves.  We headed to Sausalito for the afternoon, and then back into the city for oysters at Hog Island in the Ferry Building.  We ended the day with the sunset and a view of the bridge on Treasure Island where we did a little ritual we created to help us through our time away.  We even caught a bit of the Bay Lights on our way out of town....

Aatman left for Dallas on Monday so, after a few extremely full weeks, I felt like my entire schedule was suddenly open.  I was thinking I'd take advantage of the time by starting new projects, working on the next 8, and catching up with friends -- but, then, Tuesday I was told my job was being eliminated. 

....and, back in the race again.  

I have so much on my mind and so much to do in the next few days.  But, (according to Aria) everything is under my control...and, from a certain perspective, it is.

I have to have faith that everything will work out  ...and, I have to remember that, right now, things are great...

*breathe*

A view I once loved...

They would open the side of the restaurant to the walkway in the summertime.  I remember standing there, watching people walk the mall in the rain with their umbrellas glistening....  I would lose myself in the passing silhouettes -- breathing deep and wondering...what was I doing waitressing in the middle of downtown Denver...?  Everything would shimmer in the afternoon rain.  The buildings, the street, the passers by.... It was a summer full of sleepless nights and cigarettes, and the kind of mismatched company that could land you in any corner of the city...if you were willing to tag along.

"...And if only it was that easy with you by my side, and creepy eyes staring at me over a milkshake with the whipped cream piled too high, and a pitch in my voice that I don't recognize because the atmosphere provided more stimulation than was expected.  And I could hear myself trying to leave but my ass was glued to a plastic chair in a toxic diner in the middle of a city I can't remember how I got to.  And now, on fate is all I can rely....or is it faith....or lack of sleep.".

- Wednesday, August 16, 2000, 5:07am

A local adventure

A quick stop for fresh artichoke garlic herb bread, a visit to a goat farm for the most yum inducing goat cheese, and a lovely picnic at a lighthouse complete with wine and a blanket to keep us warm -er.  To keep us warmer -ish?  It was pretty cold, but completely worth it.  :)

My relationship has its ups and downs, but the ups. are. exceptional. 

to write.

It hasn't come over me in a long time -- the need...though, it's achingly familiar.  I remember, how I used to have to write.  On the sides of coffee cups.  On napkins.  On my leg propped up on a bar...

Right now, I want to write...but, I'm not sure what to say...


"Nothing in the world is how it should be,

It's cold, cruel.

But then there's us. 

It doesn't matter where we're from,
what we've done, or survived.
Or even if we make a difference.

We live as if this place were what it should be,
to show it what it can be.

You may not be a part of it yet,
but we hope you will be."

- The Role Traversal, From Monument To Masses

Eight, take 5

Ah, yes... take 5.

First of all, I had 7 fl oz Coronitas at this show for a $4 donation each (along side regular sized beers for the same donation) and didn't realize it until I was unpacking the leftover beer into my fridge around midnight that night.  Crap.  If you are reading this, and you are one of the people who got a tiny Corona for $4... I apologize.  

We went back to Cyclone for number 5.  

Cyclone is an incredible space.  

...I feel like I tend to get confirmation on Cyclone a little closer to the show date than I prefer, however, which puts a lot of pressure on my lineup -- but, these brave performers stepped up to the plate:  

Jessica Gruner 

Sara Kraft 

Keenan Williams 

Alex Koll

Gigi Benson

David Madwin

Josh Pollock

Agatha Rupniewski and crew 

This show was polarizing and challenging -- it pushed boundaries, was exhausting, and impressive.

It was a crazy but successful night... ! 

Rob ran his ass off doing sound, lights, etc... I had Christina, Jose, and Monty behind the bar (Monty generously donated wine for this show!), Aatman managed the door, and Bob ran the house.  

I sold out at 80 tickets.  People danced before we started and during the intermission.  I told a very long story to kill time during one of the setups, and the program was wrong and I forgot to explain it.  

Whew, and I thought 5 it would be easy... 

I'm anxious to see what 6 will bring.  

;) 

Show day

I always have the same feelings on the day of a show... I generally start with wondering why I do this to myself -- and, then, my mind runs rampant through scenarios of how the night will go.  I consider all of the possibilities:  the success, the failure, the peace I tend to find on stage once I'm finally there, the way my hands will likely shake until that moment.... 

I put 80 tickets on the books this time and I've sold out....and, I have a bunch of people who still want to come.  

There's a moment when I realize that my hunger for the sale means I'll need to deliver on that sale.  I don't tend to see that moment until it happens, which is why this project has been so successful, and why this moment feels so daunting.