Awesome and Awkward

My job no longer feels like work...which is amazing.  I mean, to be fair, parts of it do still feel like work... but, a lot of it is just a blast.  !!

I got to produce a show (read: meeting/interview) the other day featuring this guy. 

I'm a big fan, but remained completely professional throughout the show.  After the show, one of my co-workers said, "Hey, Freddie's hanging out in the cafe, you should go say hi and take a picture.".  Even though I'm a big fan, I'm not much of a fangirl.  I'm completely fine admiring from a distance -- but, then my manager said, "Hey, if you want to talk to Freddie now that the show is over, you should do it."  I thought, well, why not... and walked into the cafe to find my co-worker standing about 4 feet away from him, pointing at him saying, "Hey, Kristen, he's right here!".  Freddie was getting food and was in mid-conversation.  My co-worker kind of pushed me along, so I held out my hand and said, "Hi Freddie, my name is Kristen and I'm a big fan of your work.".  Freddie shook my hand and said hi, and then turned back toward his conversation.  I took that as my cue to go, so I started walking toward the bathroom when my co-worker yelled after me, "Hey, Kristen, aren't you going to take a picture?  He's standing right here, don't you want a picture??".  I said, "No, no, I don't want a picture."  My co-worker said, "He's standing right here!".  I was starting to get embarrassed, so I waved my co-worker off and said, "It's okay, it's okay, I don't want a picture!".  

I went to the bathroom.  

When I returned from the bathroom, I found my co-worker striking the show.  I went up to him and said, "That was really embarrassing, why did you do that?"  He said, "I thought you were a big fan and wanted a picture.".  I said, "I'm a big fan, but I don't need a picture, I just wanted to shake his hand."  He said, "Well, after you said hi, he turned and put his food down to talk to you and take a picture, but you ran off and said you didn't want a picture, and we were all standing there waiting for you."  Bah!  To be perfectly honest, I thought Freddie was kind of blowing me off, which was fine, but now it turns out that I kind of blew him off!  :P  

And, now I wish I had gotten a picture... :) 

...the moment seizes us.

My transition from Admin to Event Producer has (of course) been more challenging than I expected it would be...  I love being close to all of the shows, the work feels right, and I've been learning so much -- but, it's hard being back in that uncomfortable place of not knowing how to really contribute in a valuable way.  I know it comes with time, and with every new job, but I just want to be there now.

That being said, things have been going pretty well.  :)

We recently hosted an award night for physicists where we got to screen the new Stephen Hawking film.  The film company wanted a high quality viewing experience, so they brought in and built a state of the art movie theater for the night -- and, it was AWESOME!!  It was completely exciting watching the whole thing come together.  They built these giant speaker towers, put together and mounted the screen, added surround sound speakers, did these fascinating projector tests... It made me happy all day, and then the event was chaotic and full of energy, and I just loved every minute of it.  !!  

What would you do if you found out you were Superman?

Brian asked me this question in the middle of a conversation about Aspergers, proposing the idea that maybe having the ability to process things quickly, without getting caught up in emotion, is the next stage of advancement.  This brought up some interesting questions.  Is it valuable to feel anger, sadness, fear, shame...and, are those feelings necessary in order to feel joy, peace, love, happiness?  Does the darkness define the light?  Or is it possible to bypass emotions and still find connection?  Could that be pleasure without pain? 

Immediately following this conversation, I hopped into my car, took a corner too short, and ended up with a flat tire at 2 o'clock in the morning.  I waited for about an hour for roadside assistance, which turned out to be two lovely old men.  One of them changed my tire, while the other one did my paperwork.  I was helping the other one read my VIN number when he told me that I was an angel and a magnet for people...he said he didn't know me from buttons (or something like that), but he could tell that people love me.  It seemed a bit hyperbolic, but I thanked him for his kindness.  He said that it was so nice to have someone appreciate their work and that I had made his day.  Before they left, he handed me a business card that said, "Look I'm On U Tube Search for '101 One Armed Push Up's By A 70 Year Old Man' Now I'm 72 and I can do 110.  And you can't do that".  He told me to look it up when I got home.

I drove home on my spare tire and pulled into my garage around 3:30am.  

As I was standing in the lobby waiting for the elevator, a man approached my building.  He was tall, maybe 6'3", and was wearing a big grey hoodie and sweatpants.  I waved him off, indicating I wasn't going to let him in at this time of night, but he came right up to the window next to the door and held up a red bra.  He was staring at me, so I stared back.  It took me a second to process that he was also wearing a black mask and white gloves... I tried to get out of his sightline, but there was no where to go.  He reached into his pants and started to masturbate so I grabbed my phone to call the police.  He went behind the door just as the elevator arrived.  The police answered the phone, I gave them his description, and they said they'd send someone by... 

I got to my apartment with my heart pounding and the image of the man's eyes burned into my brain.  I was safe.  ...though, pretty shook up.  

I didn't know what to do.... I closed the blinds and sat on the couch with the cats, trying to be strong.  I remembered the business card from earlier and decided to look up the video.  As it turns out, the 70 year old push up man was the nice man who changed my tire. 

Does the darkness define the light? 

Rilke

...I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.

Rainer Maria Rilke, 1903

in Letters to a Young Poet

Wake up

...you have to follow the rabbit to see the woods.

The Wonderland adventures are the process by which Alice grows up and discovers her identity.

Of course.

"...until you conquer the fears inside you, you will never be more than a child."

Home

I got to go home for a week to visit my family.  My grandparents were also visiting from Illinois!  

We cooked, played cards, walked the mall, and sat around in my mom's immaculate house in the middle of an immaculate Colorado Springs suburb.  :)

It was so peaceful sitting in the backyard with my grandparents, admiring the Colorado sky...  

Whales!

Aatman finished his first clinical and had a little break, so we went to Carmel and Monterey Bay for a little getaway!  

Todd and Michelle had gotten us a whale watching trip for Christmas last year and a gift certificate to a nice dinner in Carmel for my birthday.  This seemed like the perfect opportunity to use both!

We headed down to the wharf and hopped on a boat for a 3 hour tour of mild seasickness and a bunch of whales!  We saw like 15!  It was a blast!!  

Dinner was at a cute little Italian restaurant in Carmel called Little Napoli.  All of the food was great but, I have to say, I'm still thinking about the artichoke we had as an appetizer...  Yum!!  

Oh, my darling, what if you fly?

I almost always find parking right in front of where ever I'm going, even on crazy nights in busy neighborhoods.  Don't get me wrong, I have driven around in circles convinced that a party will be over by the time I get there.... but, it's rare.  If I'm 7 minutes away, and have 10 minutes to park and get into a seat at the theatre, there may be some running involved, but I tend to make it.  Same with visiting friends or meeting people for dinner in tough parking neighborhoods.  ...and, I seem to have great luck (karma) in the parking lots by Aatman's place.  There are two little parking lots really close to his building that are always full.... except when I arrive.  ? 

I've been reading a lot about positive psychology and how when you look for something, you tend to find it.  Like, when you start dating someone who's Indian, and then the world is suddenly filled with Indian people.  The Indian people were probably always there, you just didn't notice them before because your last boyfriend filled the world with Asians.  :P  The point being, again, that when you focus on something, you have a tendency to find it.  Like Indian people, or parking, or positivity.  This is why I think I always find parking -- because I'm looking for it with the belief that I will find it (though, Aatman thinks it's because I'm magical).  But, again, it doesn't always work, so why do I believe it?  Maybe having it work more times than not makes me willing to continue to try.  Or, does it even happen more times than not?  Maybe I just focus on the times it does work...  ?  Which makes me think it always works... ??  Or, maybe I'm just always willing to try... ? 

I do have a point here, stay with me.... 

On my 36th birthday, I decided to put together a benefit/variety show in the hopes of bringing together my very diverse group of friends for a night filled with all of the things that I love, which included all of them, and the celebration of the performing arts in all of its inspiring forms.  :)  People wore mustaches and generously donated their talent and gifts to helping me celebrate, and to paving the way for more art.  The night turned out to be magical, and not just for me, my performers and my audience also seemed to feel it.  I guess that's what happens when you do something that terrifies you and it works.  

After my (accidentally) wildly successful birthday party, my friend Joan and I decided to produce a similar show called Eight, which would feature 8 performers for 8 minutes each.  We pulled from the things we thought worked at my birthday show, and added things we thought would make us successful producers.  Joan came up with the format and brought in big ideas and great details.  I brought in passionate enthusiasm, creative solutions, and a sense for management.  The show was a success, but it turned out that Joan didn't really enjoy producing.  I, on the other hand, seemed to have a knack for it.

One day, as I was feeling bored and stuck in my last job, I started thinking about ways I could use my skills and passions to move forward.  I had been shadowing a lighting designer and a stage manager outside of work, and I knew I wanted be a part of the "big show"...but, I wasn't sure which part, and how best to leave my cushy job to pursue it and not starve, especially with no real experience.  

In the meantime, people kept asking me when I was going to do my next show.  They wanted to make sure they were on my show list...?  I didn't have a list, but it appeared that I did have a small following.  

Producing made a lot of sense to me so, with Joan's blessing, I decided to independently produce the series of 8.  It was a perfect chance for me to continue to bring people together around the art that I love, to use the opportunity to give back to the community (something I had also become passionate about), and to use my skills and passions to hopefully gain the experience I would need to move in the direction I wanted to go.  

(And, the point, finally.)

In September, I will start working as the new Associate Event Producer at one of the best companies in the world.  I know that this is the goal I have been focused on and working toward for over 3 years now... but, it feels just like magic. 

The Mass, second first show

The Mass played their first show on Sunday, March 11, 2001, in a tiny venue called The Attic off of Mission St.  They timidly handed out ear plugs, and then proceeded to rip the walls apart with a sound much bigger than they were at the time.  I remember Matt screaming vocals into a polished, silver, crooner mic on a stage so small that Matthew couldn't even fit with the rest of the band... It was one of the only nights The Mass ever performed their song Flu.  

"I'm siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick!!!!!"

For their second first show, they weren't quite so timid. 

July 18, 2014, Eli's Mile High, Oakland 

Fourth

I've learned to never underestimate the fun I might have playing a drinking game led by Joe... :) especially if I can get someone else to do the drinking part for me.

And, it's so crazy to think that two years ago I gave my real phone number to the most gorgeous boy I could ever dream up... And, we just celebrated our two year anniversary.

Nostalgia

My brother won an educational award for the engineering work he does with high school students and was offered a fully expenses paid trip for two out to the award ceremony in Vegas to receive it.  His wife was traveling for business at the time, so he asked my dad to join him.  My mom thought it would be fun to tag along too, so they asked me to join, and we made it into a little family vacation.  

Our last family vacation was 5 years ago.  We thought it would be the last one with just the four of us, with the idea that maybe I would be married before we'd have another one.  Well, hearts broke... and, we had had like 3 or 4 of these "last family vacation"s before that one, so they were starting to feel like we should stop calling them that -- but, then, to our delighted surprise, my brother got married.  

I didn't think about how our last family vacation might've actually been our last, until this one...which technically was our last one now.  ...and, I had no idea how nostalgic it would make me feel.  

Puppet

I do what they call "real people modeling" because, you know, I'm a real person... and it pays pretty well.  Also, it appears that, for a handful of companies, I represent a momentary quintessential mom, nurse, doctor, pharmacist, business person... even though I'm not really any of those things.  

The puppetry of modeling is usually easy and relatively fun.  They dress you, do your make up, feed you -- and you usually get to hang out in a beautiful house or on an immaculate set of some kind.  Every once in a while you end up in an office, a hospital, or a store, but you're still generally handled with the best of care.  I say generally because modeling isn't always as glamorous as one might think (of course).  Acting like a mom to child who doesn't want to be there, not messing with all of the products sealing your hair and face into place, being really happy about the earpiece or tablet or medical machinery you're "using" while being told to stand over there, sit down, smile, get the kid to smile and interact with you, move to the left... "Can you look at the product?", "Just act natural, like you're hanging out (in a million dollar living room with a bunch of strangers starring at you in clothes you'd never wear)", "Smile a little more", "Too much smiling, try being more serious", "Can you move your hair?", "Can someone move her hair?".... 

The last three modeling shoots I've done have included, almost getting lice from one of my "kids", awkwardly starring at boobs smooshed into a mammogram machine, and getting hit really hard in the nose by another one of my "kids" who misunderstood how to appropriately tell the interrupting starfish joke.  

:P

Kindness

...it might just save the world.  

As I was carrying a heavy bag of laundry from around the block to the mat, a man walked by and noticeably noticed my struggle.  He kept walking.  It didn't bother me that he didn't offer to help, but it did bring to mind the many men in my life who would've offered.  I was right on his heels for the next half a block when I went to hoist up my bag and one of the straps came loose.  It didn't break completely, but there was a big ripping sound, and the bag dropped a few inches making it significantly harder to carry.  A woman's voice from behind me hurriedly said, "Can I help you with that??"  I said, "Oh, no, it's okay."  She replied with, "No, let me help you.  At least let me take one strap and you can take the other."  I turned and saw a small woman, maybe in her 60s, smiling and taking the other handle saying, "I know what it's like to carry a heavy load -- I live over here on the third floor."  Her name was Jane.  

Jane taught me two things.  

1.  It doesn't matter how big, small, young, old you are, anyone can lend a helping hand, including me the next time I see someone in struggle.  

2.  As familiar as kindness can be, its impact almost always surpasses expectation. 

Bossston

Aatman's murals !

Ula cafe
Sam Adams brewery
Fugakyu
Finales
Bookstore breakfast
Isabella Gardner museum
Craigy on the main
MIT
Top of the hub
Pour House
Commonwealth cafe
Boston Plaza
Faneuil hall
Giacomo's
Rooftop garden
Sinha
Cafe Luna

Four days in Boston in the rain was crazy busy, really cold, a little dirty and a little exhausting -- and, so full of awesome moments.... :)

8 (take 7)

Someone once asked me what I did to make this show so special... I told them that I didn't know -- I just put together a show I'd want to see.

The March 8th fabulous lineup:

Ruth Halpern

Laura Kirkeby

Alex Kelly

Allison Lovejoy and Zoltan Bartolo

Larry Rekow and Geo Epsilanty

Elizabeth Santana

Ross Travis

Christian Cagigal

My amazing partners: 

Matt running sound

Joan keeping the house together

Aatman holding it down at the door

We had a bit of a stressful pre-show this time.  I had a terrible stomach ache, the bar logistics weren't confirmed, and everything felt a little last minute.... but, my stomach ache cleared up, Brian and Teresa graciously jumped in to help with the bar, and all of the last minute loose ends managed to come together, like they always do, and we had a great night.  :)  We even had people stand for us after the bow!  Wut?!  :) 

Tahoe!

I got to spend an extended weekend in Tahoe with Stacey!!!  There's nothing like being in a beautiful place with a beautiful friend... :) 

I was invited to join Stacey, Todd, Mark, Ryan, (and more!) on their annual snow boarding trip, so I packed up my board and boots and drove up to the Sierras.  The weather was perfect, if not a little warm, and it was a blast!!  Some good time on the mountain, good time laughing with old friends and new friends, and some well needed time with a great friend.  

I am constantly baffled by the vast goodness that exists in some people...and, how easily nature can take your breath away. 

:) 

Birthday

I wanted a quiet birthday this year so Aatman planned a night out for the two of us.  He booked dinner and a comedy show in San Jose but, then, I was offered free tickets to Amaluna (the Cirque show)!  So, we skipped comedy and went to the circus!!  It was simple and perfect, and Aatman spoiled me with loving messages and wishes all day.  :)

I kept thinking, geez I'm old...  and then, whatever....  ;)

The series of events that led to this particular moment made it perfect in every way.  ...though, I suppose you could apply that logic to everything in life -- even the hard parts if you'll allow yourself.  :)

And, the show was AMAZING!!  Topical, invigorating, visceral, and flawlessly performed...!!!  

Along those lines, I also have to say that I looooved The Secret Life of Walter Mitty.  

magic

mag·ic

ˈmajik/

noun

noun: magic

1. 1.

   the power of apparently influencing the course of events by using mysterious or supernatural forces.

   • mysterious tricks, such as making things disappear and appear again, performed as entertainment.
   • a quality that makes something seem removed from everyday life, esp. in a way that gives delight.
   • informal

     something that has a delightfully unusual quality.

adjective

adjective: magic

1. 1.

   used in magic or working by magic; having or apparently having supernatural powers.

   • very effective in producing results, esp. desired ones.
2. 2.

   informal

   wonderful; exciting.

~~~~~~~~

You know how movies create serendipitous moments filling the heads of the romantic and hopeless with dreamy impossibility... ?  

I love those.... 

Good madness

Last year, on New Year's Eve, I made a wish after midnight that should've been more than a fleeting thought thrown into the ocean...  It should've been a goal.  A commitment.  ...although, wishes have a way of finding their way, don't they? 

I've had a very introspective holiday season.  

I'm thankful for a New Year.  For perspective and an eye opening journey.  For the capacity to change and grow, and for shared wisdom.  

"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as making a life. I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

— Maya Angelou